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Fuck My Life

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by AKindOfMagic, May 31, 2016.

  1. AKindOfMagic

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Late April, I tried to kill myself. But I told my mom that I took the pills, and we got to the hospital and I lived. And I went to a mental treatment center for 2 weeks (Standard stay is 5-7 days) and picked up a habit of scratching. I got out and was supposed to go to a outpatient program,but they sent me to a different place instead. I was there for 2 weeks. And nothing changed AT ALL. Right now I just got home 12 hours ago

    . I'm going to start a outpatient program tomorrow, but I am very suicidal so I will try to get sent to a treatment place and work very hadrd on getting very better.

    Or I will completely lie about suicidal thoughts and kill myself tommorow.


    The latter is much likelier but hopefully I will do the first.


    I'm just so fucking annoyed because I am supposed to get better and I'm only worse. Why can't I get better? I'm supposded to get better!
     
  2. entopen

    Regular Member

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    I'm not one to usually offer support. I'm just not the type. But the opportunity presented itself.

    So, I was once in a similar position. I almost.... murdered myself (i can't say the actual word). I'm still a struggling self-harmer today. I've almost lost all my will to live. But theres a poem I found that helps me. Maybe it will help you too:

    "If you're having a hard time wanting to be alive
    Every night, pick a star to live for.
    And if you can't see any in the sky,
    See them in the eyes that love you."

    But listen. i want you to go to that program, and get the help you need. I want you to get up everyday with the willingness to change. I want you to get up every day, find a mirror and tell yourself "I'm beautiful. I'm smart. I'm cool. I'm awesome." etc. Because even if you don't believe it, you eventually will.

    I want you to find a reason to live. Find something that distracts you from all the bad thoughts. Youtube, TV, hobbies, etc. I'd recommend finding a hobby. Maybe go on a walk or jog, play a sport. But if you can't find a reason to live right away, then every night, when you go to bed, pick a star to live for, because you are worth it. :slight_smile:

    You may be in a bad spot right now(you've probably heard this), but things will get better. If you only knew what the future holds for you.


    "Save your strength and stay allliiiivvvvveeeee."
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Pain is no fun. But life can be. We all go through tough times and all... I don't appreciate life much right now, either, even though I'm better now than I was half a year or so ago, when I was also obliged to pay my respects to a mental health infirmary thingy.
    Things are a bit better now, though... and hopefully I'll be able to get even better as time passes. If I can do it, so can you. Just hold on, okay? Find something you love or something fun and cling to it.
     
  4. Butterfly2016

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    I'm dealing with these feelings too. Almost everyday now. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut...an endless one at that. People tell me it will change, but I don't see how. The world won't let me find a way out. So, yeah, its bad. I too try to look on the positive side though. Even though in my case it only lasts for a little while. My episodes are very frequent. But so far I'm sticking around. Not sure what for though..
     
  5. Systems

    Regular Member

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    Out to everyone
    Check out Speaking of Suicide

    For your sake and the people who are close to you, and the rest of the world, read at least this article. Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself? : Speaking of Suicide

    Suicide lies and gives you false hope, but it can't help you. Would you trust someone who wanted to kill you, just because they said it would help you? Suicide is a lot like that. When you try to kill yourself, you are likely to survive and end up hurt even worse. Even if you "succeed", death isn't exactly an improvement. It means you won't ever feel anything good again, and it guarantees adding more misery to the world. You deserve to heal and live. You deserve a better life, and you have a chance to have one. As long as you're alive, there's hope for things getting better. You can't get better if you're dead.

    Suicide can seem like a reasonable solution, but I refuse to believe death can be good for you.

    Starting in about March last year, until about March this year, I was hell-bent on killing myself and suffered indescribably. Several things changed. First, I was watching TV with my parents, and the main character's sister was brought to the brink of death, and in that moment I realized just how devastating my death would be. Before, I liked the idea of spiting the world with suicide, but getting a glimpse at that despair changed my mind. I became determined not to hurt my mom most of all, and not anyone else. I was already scared of what my death would mean for the trans community.

    The other thing that changed for me was finding medications that helped. Some medications don't work for certain people, and can even be harmful, but finding the right medications can turn your life around. It turned my life around, and I was sure I was a lost cause. I had tens years of thinking and planning to kill myself, then a full year of planning to kill myself shortly, and urges to not bother with planning and just do it. I'm very glad I didn't kill myself. I never imagined that happening. I'm glad I didn't kill myself ten years ago when I first considered suicide, and I'm glad I didn't kill myself this past year. I'm glad I didn't attempt it.

    Suicide is not productive, and it's not a solution. It either makes things worse in one way, or makes things worse in another way. Either you end up wounded with possibly disabling injuries, or you end up losing all hope at happiness.

    I hope you don't try to kill yourself. You would be a serious loss for a lot of people, especially your family, friends, and the trans community.