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Am I just making it up?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by coolb, May 29, 2016.

  1. coolb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    For years I've been worried about my sexuality. I guess when I was young I just never really knew that someone could be gay, and then when I found out my immediate reaction was to be worried. I remember suddenly being really worried that I wasn't straight, in about sixth grade, and worrying about how I would tell my parents and what they would think. And then I remember once a kid on my bus turned around to ask the girl sitting next to me if she was gay, and he said that "people with round chins are more likely to be gay." That seriously worried me, because I felt like I had a round face, and I thought if he asked me I wouldn't know how to answer. Since then I kind of forgot about it, but for a year or two I've been almost constantly thinking about it. I've never been in a relationship, and I have no interest in being with a guy, but I think I like girls. I'm having a hard time telling if my crushes are real or if I just want to be friends. I find both guys and girls attractive, but I think I'm almost jealous of guys who are attractive. I think there are girls that I've had crushes on, but for guys I was always young and I was just picking randomly to fit in, because I thought having a crush was cool. When all of the girls in eighth grade said that the new Spanish teacher was hot, I certainly found him attractive, and made a big deal about pointing it out to my best friend, but if I did have a crush on a teacher, it would have probably been my female English teacher. When I think about it, it makes sense to me to call myself gay, or bisexual, but I've always felt like I've been lying to myself, and that I'm really straight and just asking for attention or trying to be different or over-analyzing it. I guess I usually just try to ignore it, telling myself that I'll figure it out eventually, but it just gets really frustrating and nerve-racking not knowing, and I guess I'm just asking for your advice and experiences to help me figure out my sexuality.
     
  2. gryf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    new haven, ct
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    You aren't making up your feelings.

    From what you write, it seems you aren't strictly straight. You may be gay, or since sort of non sexual.

    Are you constantly song yourself from having fantasies about women? It do you just drift that way and drift away from it?
    Your answer could help you determine.
    Consciously blocking your fantasy could indicate repression. Just randomly going into and away without and lingering thought could just indicate curiosity.

    You say you are scared, could it be you believe you are gay and that idea is scary?

    Are you telling others if your feelings? Almost bragging? It didn't seem like that. If you are keeping thoughts and actions to yourself, you are not doing this for attention. It's internal.