Reflecting on coming out to my family

I'm starting this thread just so I have a place to put thoughts and reflections on bits of conversations as they come up in my brain. Others' expereinces are very welcome.

Like I said in the Chickening Out thread, most of the things that were said were positive beyond what I could have hoped. I'm sure I'll reflect on those things at some point.

Right now, I am thinking about that moment when mom back pedaled a bit into the obligitory churchy things. Like, saying that she does think "it's wrong" (though I swear she said WRONG in all caps, even talking). You know, that the Bible says it's wrong. I told her that I understood that, because Ithought that for a really long time, and I tried for a really long time to be good and follow all the Bible rules, and I have tried to date men, but it is really stressful and difficult. More like griting my teeth in anxiety, not happy at all. And, most of the men Ilike are gay, so that doesn't really work out. She asked about K who Iliked in college. I thought she already knew he was gay, but I outed him. I told her he was gay, that he came out a year after we graduated, and has been in a committed relationship with W for years and years. (I think, like, 7 years? But I'm not sure.) I kind of lied about my actual religious stances, as I'm not sure there's a God at all right now. But, I told her that a God who really loves us, surely he would want us to be happy and not toruture ourselves? That he would want us to be honest and not have to hide and be ashamed? That surely he would be ok with people loving each other and helping each other make the world a better place? For all three family conversations yesterday, I majored on that I'm lonely, and I like some things about singleness, but Ireally wish Icould have someone and have a family, that Ihaven't ever had a girlfriend, but I wanted to tell my family Iwas going to look for one, so they could have some time to get used to the idea before there was a person involved that they would have to figure out how to relate to. Iemphasized that they are important, and I want to be able to talk to them about what's going on with me....

I need to make some lunch. I'll be back and type more, I think....

---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 01:47 PM ----------

At one point, mom pointed out that it's tough for two women to have kids, and then reminded herself that there was always adoption. I said, yeah, there's adoption, or that sperm donation is pretty easy, or that some women already have kids, so raising step kids like my cousin is now doing is an option. Good lord, I said "sperm donation" in a conversation with my mother. Bla! Let's consider that for just a moment .... Yeah, enough considering.... I talked about kids for a while, that I'm glad I work with kids, and that Ihave considered adopting as a single person, but I just don't think I can logistically manage the day to day grind of raising kids by myself. She agreed with that, and she seemed to resonate with not wanting me to feel stuck as single forever and that there are lots of ways to have and raise kids and that seems to be a thing she wants for me.

---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 01:53 PM ----------

At one point mom clarified, "Well, I'm not exactly excited about this." I guess she felt obligated to say it. That's ok. It hooked in me becuse it sounded so much like what my bi teenage client's mom said last week. "Well, I'm not exactly jumping up and down for joy.... I'm not going to encourage this." Sort of an eye-rolling well, if you have to, I guess. And that doesnt' really feel good. Bt, you know, given that options included never speaking to me again, disinheriting me, saying she no longer has a daughter, calling me lots of bad, mean names..... I will totally roll with and be grateful for "Well, I'm not exactly excited about this."

---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 01:59 PM ----------

C'mon, burrito! Finish baking! I'm hungry! .... Yay, burrito alarm!!!!

... One of the kindest things that got said yesterday.... and I get teary even just thinking about it.... My dad, who Ithought would just be silent and not have a category in his brain for any of this, one of the first things he said, real quiet like, was, "I hope you can find.... a companion of some sort." Like, that looks weird written out, but it was said with so much kindness and wanting the best for me. And I think it was maybe the most embracing, supportive thing he could have possibly said. Later in the conversation, he said, "When Iwas in college, I could feel lonely in a crowded room." I think he just really resonated with that idea of wanting a partner, wanting to love somebody. And he's seen that I'm ok single, but he quickly understood that I am not exactly single by choice, that Ifeel like Ihave been forced to be single, and dating women is kind of a way out of that.

 

I'm really glad that what I'm writing is helpful. I am writing it mostly for me, historically I have sucked at journaling without an audience, and y'all are a really perfect and encouraging peer group. I'm glad that the help is going both ways. I'm glad we don't have to do this alone.

---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 07:58 PM ----------

At one point in the conversation, mom asked how long I knew. I told her that I kind of knew about attractions for a long time, and I would look at them and then shove them down and then look at them and then shove them down, over and over. In my early 20s (like, age 21 to 24ish) Iworked for this baptist group home and was essentially a house parent, so my housing was part of my employment. I told her that when I lived/worked there, I was afraid that if this information came out I would lose my job and my housing in one fell swoop. I also explained that the reason I cut off contact with my best friend and college roommate, B, was that I was in love with her for years and years, but she didn't see it that way, and while I was trying to follow the Christian rules, it was just too hard to stay in contact with her. That started to make the peices fall together for mom, that this has been at least a decade long thing, why I stopped talking to my best friend, why I was so uncomfortable talking about B's wedding last summer. I had to dodge that I had told my friend Mark the situation (I told him looking for some kind of religious support), cuz Ithought that would make mom offended, that I told other people years before her. But, it was kind of neat to see her putting the peices together, realizing oh you responded like that because of this, you said that because of this. Like, I think it helped her to realize that this has been real for a long time and not a phase.

 

***Trigger warning.*** DIdn't expect to go there, but I wrote about some triggering trauma stuff in this post. Avoid if you need to.





Mom called tonight. She's having a hard time, but she's sweet and really doing well. She just really doesn't know about things. Poor thing, she called me because she was watching The Bachelorette, and thinking about me being gay while watching them have the parade of straightness was too tough for her. Like, it's cute and pitiful and awful all at the same time. I'm really proud of her for calling to talk about things. I can tell I'm going to have a hard time figuring out when I'm being a mature daughter and when I'm being her therapist. I'm glad she found a friend to talk to. I hope I can get her to watch some videos or look at some articles at theparentsproject.com or whatever, so Idon't have to be the educator therapist person 100% of the time.

She aparently was confused about what it means to think ladies are pretty versus what it means to be trans. She asked if I was going to want surgery. I reacted with a pretty big no. I don't identify as trans, Ireally do identify as a woman, but I also feel a little gender queer sometimes. Maybe sometimes I feel like a lady who has a lot of interest in packing and strap ons? Lol, but, moms really don't need to know anything about their kids' adult toy preferences, right? But, yeah, had to teach her that trans is a different thing.

She also brought up that she is afraid of me getting HIV, because lesbians can get it, too. I was real tempted to give information, but Ithink she just wanted me to keep saying that I understand that she really cares about me being safe, and she's worried about me. She also brought up again that she is really worried about online dating. She said that someone could pretend to be a girl but really be a guy. Ugh, damn you, fox news, confusing my mom about trans people, about ssafety, about actual sexual assault risk! Again, choosing to not mention when I actually did get assaulted on a straight date. I find it really strange that anyone thinks that it's LESS safe for me to date a girl than a guy. But, you get scared of what you don't understand. And she doesn't understand online dating, which is scary. And she doesn't understand dating women, which is scarry. So she's super scared when you put them together. .... Really, Ithink that I opened myself more to being assaulted (still not my fault, still his douchebag self's fault) because I was trying so hard to be open to a guy, trying so hard to shut down my natural defenses that were screaming to run, telling myself that dating requires vulnerability, trying so hard to be open to dating a guy that I didn't listen to any of my red flags and get out while I could... Ugh, I didn't expect that to go there. Blarg. Yeah, that was my last date with a dude. Can't shut down all my feelz and intuition about who I'm attracted and expect to keep the feelz and intuition that actually keep me safe. Ugh..... My heart feels like lead just thinking about it.

 

Something that got brought up with last night's family conversations and tonight's conversations with mom.

I thought dad wouldn't really have much of a category in his brain for all this. He brought up his aunt, who was always single and moved from rural Tennessee to Washington DC for most of her adult life. I had been thinking a lot about her in the last week, kind of wondering. In high school I realized that she was kind of ditzy/flakey and also kind of mean, so Ithought that was a part of why she was single. Today mom said that dad has thought about it more than I know, because of his aunt. Mom mentioned that the aunt had a "roommate" for a long time, which I never knew about. Thanks, great-aunt, for paving the way! She died a couple of years ago, so I'll never really know, but sounds like we have a strong suspicion, and I benefit.

 

Birdie, yes, I'm so proud of her for calling and talking!

Gazelle, maybe we all have a secret gay family member? Might be real convenient if that's true.

One of my sort of coming out gifts to myself and sort of just and impulse buys was this really woodsy, earthy tarot deck on Amazon. It arrived today. I have never had a tarot deck before. But let me say, hot damn, this thing is helpful! Idon't now how much it's tapping into the energy of the universe and how much it's tapping into my own brain, but, who cares, either way, wow! I'm real tempted to start a Tarot Readings On Myself About My Life, Issues, And Gayness thread, just to keep a hella interesting record. Damn, why coudn't Christian prayer involve cards and pretty pictures and telling stories?

 

Gonna put the coming out care packages in the mail tomorrow morning!

 

Yeah, I think most of my mo freaking out about safety is just not understanding how the world has changed. Even in my small town, I might get some rude comments if I were holding a girl's hand or had my arm around her on the street, but I wouldn't be really afraid. And, damn, who doesn't do online dating? This is not just a queer thing. And, mom's afraid of AAIDS, because she grew up with LITERALLY no education about STIs, safe sex practices, etc. (If people don't know straight safer sex practices, they probably don't know ANYTHING about queer practices) and even though she's a medical professional, people think that HIV is a death sentance when it isn't. And, why would she know anything about Lesbian STI transmission risk, or anything about testing? Yeah, different is scary. My mom is dealing with different orientation, different attitudes towards sex, different STIs in existance, different STI prevention methods, different STI treatment methods, different attitudes towards orientation, different conceptualizations of orientation and gender.... Yeah, no wonder she's scared to death.

---------- Post added 27th May 2016 at 03:58 PM ----------

So, other thing about coming out to mom....

In that first conversation, as she was trying to be open, she made some awkward comments about race.

Context, we had just attended my cousin's wedding. His wife immigrated from a latin american country as an adult, and given the amount of racism in my extended family, I had concerns. But, my family's racism theme seems to continue that interracial couples are mostly ok as long as they aren't a black/white couple. Mom somehow thinks this has to do with the bible. O_O Sigh. Oh, mom. At least we got you to quit calling asian people Oriental last week.

Anyway, first coming out conversation with my mom, she was trying to be supportive and ramble about how different kinds of couples are ok. She was rambling about how before she went to the wedding, she though the bride was black, and she felt much better when they got there and saw she wasn't black, and it's ok that he married someone of another race and how he married someone who already had two kids. ... .... ... How did I not pull my eyebrows out during this conversation? Oh, Ihad already tweezed the crap out of them before the wedding. That's the only way. Blarg.

Ok, so here's part of what I have on my mind. I like all kinds of ladies, and there are many black ladies that I think are totally gorgeous. I think maybe it's that there are so many black lesbians who present kind of androgynous, and I reeeeaaallly love that, that sort of masculine presentation that still has this beutiful softness underneath, but hidden where not just everyone notices it. I can totally picture myself with a black lady. But, I really think my mom (maybe not the rest of the family) would have more of a problem with me dating a black person than dating a woman. How crazy is that? Thanks, deeply engrained culture of racism. Arg.

I'm sending a few dating profile emails today, and I've emailed back and forth a little bit with this black lady, and I'm ohmygawdyursoohawt!!!! But, I'm like, maybe I should avoid a black girlfriend right out the gate?? Like, one step at a time? And, I don't want to burn any possibilities. Like, no one is a "throw away" date to me. Dudes, yeah, I totally had throw away boy dates. I went out for practice dates with dudes with all of the emotional commitment that I have in a kleenex. But with ladies, I feel much more like, you are beautiful and rare and wonderful, and I dare not squander any opportunity with you. If I'm going to do this, I should do this right.

 

Bunny, that's true. I don't want to regret not moving any more, cuts I have been on hold for so long. At the same time, I feel like there's kind of a limited number of gay girls, a limited resource, so I want to try to make sure I'm talking to someone with as many of the planets aligning as possible, so to speak, as not to waste the chance. Not sure. I'll continue to ponder.

 

Nice avatar, Morgana!

 

Dammit. My post got eaten. Trying again.

Mom called tonight while I was at Target. (I'm gald we did not talk about the target restrooms/dressing rooms.) She says some hurtful stuff. I know that it could be worse. On a scale of One to My Mom, she was only like a 6 tonight. It feels like it's not that bad, but a 10 is really terrible. Mom starts saying hurtful things at like a 3 or 4. *sigh* I really, really want her to find someone else to talk to about all this so there will be a chance, a teeny tiny chance, that she will filter out some of the hurtful things. This is unlikely.

She asked me if I have ever had sex with a man before so that I could know how wonderful it is. I told her I was not comfortable talking about that at Target. I hope she never brings it up again, but if she does, I will tell her I'm not comfortable talking about that at all.

She was more explicit that she is worried Iwill go to Hell. She said several times that I will have to answer for what I do. She also expressed concern that I have "changed a lot over the last couple of years." When Iasked what she meant, she said that I say things (???) And that I cuss. Like I "say 'What the damn hell' all the time." I reminded her that this is even light for the kinds of things that people can say on prime time TV. (I litterally picked up that phrase from How I Met Your Mother and use it a lot because I prefer to reseve my f bombs for special occasions.) She expressed concern that if I am in hell, she will not get to see me for all eternity. (Because, right, while I am burning in eternal fire, it's still all about you, mom.)

One of my head things that I have cried about a lot over the last few months is that I feel like a dissappointment to people. Like, I was actually kind of glad when my youth minister died that he would never be disappointed in me about my attractions. Mom actually said that she feels disappointed with how I have turned out. I somehow magically managed to not cry at Target about that. I wanted to real bad. I am now just thinking about it.

She kept saying that she wants to "talk me out of it" but she knows it won't do any good because "you've already made your decision." I explained in several different ways that it's not a choice, because people don't choose to do things that are this painful and difficult and cause rejection. (I hope that one day I can be so at peace with myself that I would say I would choose to like ladies. I still don't think I'm there, because of shit like this conversation with mom. In the mean time, I will use all this as evidence that this is not a choice.) Mom sort of seemed to get it. Idk.

I talked a lot about how she needs to talk to people or talk to a therapist or get support or something. She is really resistant. She did tell the lady who owns her favorite sewing store. And she may tell her massage therapist. Hopefully, good enough. I gave her my blessing to keep talking to them.

My friend wants me to set a boundary that we can't talk about this stuff because she will say hurtful shit. I don't know that I'm comfortable setting that boundary. For one, I don't want her to shut up, because I don't want her to be like my friend's mom who just pretends he never came out. Like, I see the shit my mom is doing as a level up from that, and I don't want to send her back down.

Maybe I could like assign her youtube videos and we could discuss them. Like, introduce an element of structure rather than just mom freestyling the homophobic crap that's in her head and me feeling obligated to sit there and take her emotionally punching me in the gut, feeling like if Istand up for myself she will take that as an excuse to say that I'm bad and wrong and hell bound and dissapointing and all the other things, even more.

I don't know. I need to ponder what boundaries I'm comfortable with, for my own self protection. I feel obligated to be a doormat when I'm on the phone with her. I want to give her logic, which Ido a little, but generally she's not in a position to accept logic. She's just like stream of conciousness processing, and she doesn't really want answers, just to express herself. And she doesn't and/or can't care that her self expression is hurtful to me. But, I don't want to be a doormat.

---------- Post added 28th May 2016 at 01:28 AM ----------

She also talked about how she feels like she has missed me for the last 20 years. I tried to clarify, and she was saying that she feels bad that I did not open up to her about this since I was a kid, that she's a bad mom. I told her that she was not a bad mom and that all moms make mistakes and that it's not her fault. Actually, Ido think she is a bad mom. But, what good would that do to say? The song says liars go to hell, so, let me burn for that, lying to my mom to reassure her that she's a good mother. I didn't have the presence of mind to tell her how hard it was for me to even come out to myself, much less her. But, shit. This is exactly the thing that made me not want to come out to her. This is me, my pain, my struggle, my life, and now I'm consoling her that she's not a bad mom and it's not her fault. Shit. That pisses me off. Like, why the hell do Ihave to mother my mother through this? I mean, Iknow that her reactions are all pretty normal. I am just really sick of spending my whole life, including tonight, emotionally taking care of my mother. But, Ialso don't want to lose her. She might suck a lot, but she's still my mom, and she's still important. I feel like she'll come along this road faster if Ido a little bit of hand holding . But, I'm also worried that I am going to be so bitter about it. She was actually supportive of me and thinking about things from my perspective the night I came out, maybe more than she ever has. I feel like that was some flash in the pan, that we have used up all of that. Poof. Gone. No more mom taking care of me. Back to the same old same old, me taking it on the chin to take care of my inconsiderate, emotionally fragile mom who seemingly had a daughter in order to have a mother..

I usually refrain from trying to diagnose my mom's mental disorders. I kind of want to pull out the DSM with her in mind. I know that's not healthy, though. I won't do that. Typing, youtube watching, and maybe tarot-ing about my feelings. I'll stick with those.