How The Heck Have I Had Transgender Tendencies Suddenly?

As of late I've had tendencies of wanting to dress like a girl, act like a girl, and be a girl. But, I feel it wasn't always that way.

0-15 years old.

At 0-15 I was a fairly ordinary boy. Definitely very shy, and somewhat sensitive, but I wouldn't say "girly". Though I was never a fan of sports and competitive play, I always liked action figures and games. I did get along well with girls, but for the most part my friends were boys, the boys who tended to be less aggressive: and I was happy with that. I never once gravitated towards wanting dolls, tea sets, or anything like that. I was contented getting short male haircuts, so I never felt I needed my hair long.

At most, there were a few girly things that happened to me while I was 0-15, but nothing I considered substantial or intrusive. I remember when I was about 7 or 8, my relative decided to dress me and my friend up as girls. I remember really being happy that day, happy taking photographs of me in my pretty dress and my pretty wig. My friend was ready to stop, but I wanted to keep going. However, this was one mere instance.

I also remember when I was about 12 or so, I wanted to go into my mom's closet and grab some girl's clothing. But I gave up when it was too big for me, and never really bothered trying again. I didn't really care.

I would also pick the girl character in video games 50% of the time. I was happy to play as the girl character, although my rationality in my head was that I would pick a girl because she was attractive.


16-21 years old

At about 15- 16 was when my sex drive slowly started. I was a late bloomer. When I first "sexually stimulated" myself, I did imagine myself dressed as a girl. I thought that was strange, but it didn't bother me too much. I would tend to self stimulate from time to time, as most normal 16 year olds do. 50% of the time I would think about girls, 50% of the time I would think of myself as a girl. Again, I was okay with that. It was a one time day thing for me, so I never really made a big deal of it. 30 minutes a day at most I felt like a girl, and the rest of the time a boy.

And more or less, I felt like a normal boy. I grew my hair out long, and enjoyed having long hair. But I never thought of myself as a girl. I was a boy with long hair. I liked video games with cool long haired characters. And I liked metal music and rebelling. So the long hair suited me. I was happy looking androgynous, and when I wanted to be really cool, I acted as such. I even worked out at the gym to get some muscles. I had a deeper voice and I was happy about that, not sad. I never desired a beard often, but I never really had one, so it didn't bother me.

At around 18-19 was when I started having crushes on girls and acting out upon them. I never got too far, but it was normal for me.

22-23 years old

At around this time I started having sexual relations. I was more contented being more submissive and less dominant, but it never really bothered me. It left some of the girls I was with unsatisfied, but not me. At times, I would think of myself as a girl during sex, and that was definitely somewhat intrusive. But I was able to shrug it off. For the most part I still reclaimed my masculinity.

Around this time, there were other "girly" triggers. I would see a pretty dress or a pretty wig in a store window, and I would imagine myself as a girl in that dress or in that wig. But it would usually be a very brief and slightly disturbing fantasy for me. Afterwards I would go about my day as a guy.

I had a few times I desired to crossdress during this time period as well. I wore some ladies' shirts, skirts, and dresses from my Mom's closet. But this only happened a few times. 2 or 3? I was pretty much okay beyond that. My girlish desires were still manageable, and counteracted by some masculinity.

24-26 years old

The femininity has really started to feel stronger during this time. Some of my secondary gender traits had appeared such as some facial hair and slightly more masculinized body. I had felt deeply dissatisfied with that. I want to look as neutral in gender as possible. I'm fortunate to say that my body is more or less feminine, for a man. I thank the heavens for that.

But it gets worse. Lately, I hardly even feel like a man anymore. I keep wanting to dress like a girl everyday. It feels like paradise when I get the chance. I legitimately have have wanted to be a beautiful princess. I'm wearing a skirt right now. And I ignore my genitalia, and pretend I have female parts instead. I legitimately pretend I am a girl most of the time, except in social situations.

Needless to say, these recent developments....have highly disturbed me. Whereas a mere 5 years ago I felt like 70% male and 30% female, those percentages have legitimately inverted: where I now feel like 70% female and 30% male. How can I reclaim my desire to stay a man? While still holding onto some of the feminine quirks that I enjoy?

 

It is sudden though, in the sense that any feeling of transgender tendency was extraordinarily mild up until about age 21/22. And it should be noted that it seems directly linked to my sex drive.

 

It was never such a serious problem until now. Back then, it was hardly even a problem at all.