Thanks to Barista and Nerdbrain for checking in on me on my wall. I haven't been in here very much except to simply how everybody else is doing. At this point, I really have no choice but to play it straight. My wife and I have reconnected and I just don't have the strength anymore to attempt to change anything. Her needs and need to be loved and taken care of by me won. I'm making a conscious effort to be present with her and life in general. I'm also trying to be grateful for the last M2M relationship that I had, thankful that for once in my life I was truly loved for all of who I am with no façades or pretense. Just me. All of your stories are inspiring and each of us works through this differently. Some people make it through to the other side, but for me, the walls are too high to climb over, the swim too far, and there is too much to lose. I have accepted that this *is* my path, so I'm just putting my nose to the grindstone like I've always have and playing it straight.
Hey there friend. it's good to see you on here again, I've been thinking about you. I hope you are taking care of you as well. I know this has been a struggle for you. Don't forgot you've got a bunch of people on here who support you. (*hug*)
Hi Taxodium I know how difficult this is when you care so much for someone. How it can feel so awful to cause someone pain, simply because of who you are. I stayed in the closet for far too long because of those fears. I also felt, and still feel, that my wife's happiness is, somewhat, my responsibility. I know every relationship, and every person, is different. I respect that you have made the decision to protect your wife at the expense of your happiness. But, frankly, can you continue to do this at your own expense? When does your unhappiness create such a toxic environment that your wife cannot be happy anyway? Last week, I promised my wife I would stay with her forever. But, only if she came to the table too. Before my talk I had the Stones in my head..."you can't always get what you want....but, sometimes...you get what you need". That was what I was prepared to promise. You and your wife maybe should decide together what those are. I know...easier said than done...believe me. I hope the best for you. Worried about you too. You must take care of yourself too!
Hey man, I can completely understand how you feel, and I'm glad you've found some new intimacy with your wife. You're not the first guy to go down this path, and you won't be the last. I have few words of wisdom for you. In my own case, I essentially burned the bridge early on by separating from my wife before I had things figured out. Now I'm struggling to adapt and regretting my hastiness. That being said, having read lots of stories here and elsewhere, it seems that the urge to come out doesn't recede but in fact grows stronger as one ages. Not saying this to discourage you or contradict your choice. But I think it's important to consider that this issue may not be fully put to bed, so to speak. Anyway, I imagine you'll need a place to vent, so thank goodness for EC!
Thanks everybody for your responses and for worrying about me. Barista : Yes, it's great to know there is a place where other people get it. Nick : I'm so glad to see your talk with your wife went so well. I really hope things work out so that both of you can be secure in your commitment to each other while you get to explore making yourself complete. Nerd : Believe me, I know that the urge gets stronger and I don't know how long I will be able to "play it straight," so to speak. But at this point, I think I can only describe what I feel as "defeatedly resigned" to living out this life that I chose and that I have created with my wife. Fully coming out, divorcing and living separate lives is just not an option that is on the table for her and I simply cannot take responsibility for destroying her so I can be "happy."
You sound like your doing good. Glad to hear from you, been wondering how you were doing. Thank you for the update.
Good to see you on here Taxodium. I too am committed to a monogamous relationship with my wife. I have decided I will be happy and content with this woman who loves me. I wish you the very best.
You sound so frustrated and feel defeated. It's sad to read the fact that you have resigned yourself to something that is less than ideal. But I say this only because I and the rest of the EC community want the best for you. I can relate to everything you say about feeling committed to your wife. Been there... done that. I'm living it... but I was able to find peace in the way that I came to that decision. And I guess when it comes down to it, that's what I hope for you: Peace and tranquility in your decision. I wish you to not live in frustration and pain. We only get one shot on this earth and I hope you have no regrets at the end of it. Coming out is a journey. Some people find all the shortcuts to find their true selves and find bliss right away. Others take a longer route. Perhaps things will stay the same for you. Perhaps somewhere down the road, you will reevaluate. I hope during the process you don't beat yourself up and you don't feel any resentment toward your wife. I wish you the very best. We're here for you whenever you need us. (*hug*)
I know we haven't really talked but i have read most of your posts. And seen the struggles you have gone through. And only you know your life best and what's good for your family. I hope your decision brings you happiness and joy that's what life is all about. We are all here for you. *hugs
