So I finally ordered a real binder a few days ago after years of just wearing tight sports bras. I see this as my first step in seeing what it might be like to actually start transitioning. I've also been experimenting with using my male name and pronouns online secretly, again, just to see how it feels. I figured, hey why not use my male name for the order? It wasn't until today that I realized this is going to say my male name on the package and I live with my fiancee. I didn't think about it at first because she has been out of town all week, but she is coming back tomorrow and she will be home all week while I am at work. I don't think she will find it that strange that I want to wear one, but I'm now terrified she is going to see the package first and I will have to have a conversation about it before I'm ready. I've mentioned my dysphoria, but haven't told her I'm actually thinking about transitioning. What should I do?? Should I try to see about getting the name changed? Or maybe I should use this as an opportunity to talk to her about it before the package arrives? The thing is, I haven't even had a therapy appointment yet and I really don't know how to talk to her about it. If I do go that route, how can I bring this up? Although I have told her about my discomfort I don't think she understands how much it affects me daily because I rarely talk about it out of fear and uncertainty. Help!
Hmm. Tough situation. If you don't want to tell her yet, you can try cancelling the order if it hasn't been shipped yet. You can usually track that online. If it has already been shipped, you can track the shipment and it will usually tell you the delivery date. This can give you a way to get the package before she sees it. If you really think that this may be the outlet to explain yourself and your feelings to her, then maybe let it be and she may or may not receive the package before you do. You don't have to tell her that you are thinking about fully transitioning, but you can just tell her that you are trying to be certain in your feelings by trying these things (using different name, pronouns, etc) Explain to her that it is just a step to try to figure out what your true feelings are. Honesty and communication are a big part of a relationship. Best of luck!!
Thank you. You know I didn't even think about cancelling it because I want it so bad and I'm already tired of waiting. I did.check on the order and it is still processing. I'm sure I could easily cancel it. But part of me definitelt feels like this is some sort of divine intervention trying to force me to talk to her. It isn't fair for me to just blow up at her drunkenly everytime she contributes to my dysphoria when she couldn't really understand how I feel. At the same time it kind of feels like she is tired of hearing about it before I've even told her. I feel selfish. But is using a different name and going online and talking about her and ordering secret products dishonest? I have a very hard time expressing my feelings aloud. ---------- Post added 16th May 2016 at 01:50 PM ---------- She definitely has no idea I've picked a name. I think that might be very shocking. ---------- Post added 16th May 2016 at 02:09 PM ---------- Maybe I should talk to her but gently and still try to intercept the package so I don't have to talk about the name yet, but she won't be as surprised if she sees it first.
I don't know what to say to help, but I also got outed to my parents before I was ready (the receptionist at the doctors told my dad my male name). It was very stressful and upsetting, but after a while it cooled down a bit and I was relieved it was just all over.
If you feel comfortable talking to her about it, then just be honest. Tell her you're not sure of your plans yet, but you've picked a name that fits you, and you're considering transition. If you don't feel comfortable with that, tell her you've been trying out male names just to see how it feels. You don't have to tell her yet that this is the name you've chosen for yourself. It's okay to not be ready to tell her everything yet. Staying closeted isn't being dishonest.
I appreciate it. I'm definitely uncomfortable talking to her about it, but it's not really her fault. She hasn't done anything to suggest that she will be anything but accepting when I do talk to her about it. It's just that I've barely accepted myself and talking about it is painful. It always makes me emotional, which is also painful. I'm not usually an emotional person at all. Talking about this is the only thing that ever makes me emotional. It is weird. I need to make sure that when I talk to her I have a plan and I'm totally sober when it happens. The only thing she's ever really heard from me is incoherent drunken blubbering about how I don't like it when she says the word actress because now I can never act if people might call me that lol. Not just that but dumb stuff like that. We've yet to have a rational discussion about it. I wrote her a letter ( that I will never show her) but it's dumb too. I'm sure she expects it to an extent, but it's just really difficult to say out loud... ---------- Post added 16th May 2016 at 10:43 PM ---------- Actually, I think I did mention once of course drunkenly that I've always been interested in Patrick as a name if I ever did transition. But to her it was a very hypothetical conversation even though to me it was real. I don't recall her being very thrilled with that choice, though she liked it better than Ashton lol. Reading back over this post, my fear of talking to her seems pretty stupid. She is very understanding and supportive and has straight up told me she would stay with me if hypothetically it ever happened! But talking about it makes it real and I don't want it to be real. >.<
I think this could be a really great chance to come out to her! If you're genuinely serious about this, she'll have to figure it out eventually and honestly, it's great to have a support network. You'll be surprised at how much anxiety goes away when you have someone that close to you on your side. I told my fiance about my name change in a very similar way, and it was honestly really smooth and easy and she didn't really question it; although I had been out as trans to her previous to that. It being 'real' is a really genuine worry, but honestly, it being real makes it so much better than just a dream. There's something good about having a tangible, solid goal. Being trans isn't bad. There's quite a bit of start-up anxiety but you'll build your network up and it'll be okay. Take the chance and make it real, we're all here to help!
Thank you so much! That is very reassuring. I definitely want to tell her, but only her for a while. I'm certainly not ready to cause a huge commotion in my social circle. Even when I tell her though, what does that mean? It's not like I'm going to make her change the way she refers to me yet. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I don't want to get married as a woman though. We have been together almost four years and engaged for one. But really you are right. Perhaps I will feel better once some people know. Having a secret like this weighs you down and I am fortunate enough to have an openminded social circle. I am just too cowardly. I'm even afraid to tell the two people that should be the easiest: my fiancee who already knows I have dysphoria and let me reiterate this, has already told me she would stay with me if I was trans!!, and my best friend who is also a transman. That is just pathetic. How am I going to tell anyone who might not be supportive if I can't even tell the people who have no reason not to be?
Hey now, take it easy on yourself. Just because you know it won't be a transphobic or rejection-laden shit storm doesn't mean that coming out to the most important people in your life is any less emotional and meaningful. You know it'll go well, but this is a very important part of you that you're sharing with them for the first time. It's a big deal. Let yourself treat it like a big deal without being a dick to yourself. You're not pathetic (and I'm willing to bet if someone said that about someone you loved who was in the same situation, you'd be pissed). You can work on telling less safe people after you get more comfortable with it yourself, and after you're out to a few loving people who are on your side to cheer you on.
You are right but I still don't know...she just got home today and we've been hanging out for several hours. Coming out to her is all I can think about but I almost cried thinking about it. >.< i almost had myself psyched out when she was gone but it is much scarier now that she is here.
That's very understandable, when it's "real" it suddenly feels way bigger and way harder than when it was a hypothetical plan.
I actually made my first therapy appointment for thursday...maybe I'll either wait till after my appointment or just tell her for now I'm starting therapy. ---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 12:00 AM ---------- Ha someone told me staying in the closet wasn't dishonest, but it sure feels dishonest. She doesn't even know I'm starting therapy and my first appointment is in two days. If I don't tell her before then am I just going to sneak out of the house for therapy?? ---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 12:02 AM ---------- And this is also money we are talking about. Like a lot. And we basically share money.
If she was questioning her gender identity and wasn't ready to come out to you, would you be mad if you found out she spent money to see a therapist? You have your own standards in your relationship, and I don't know what they are, but try not to hold yourself to standards she won't be holding you to.
Update:I got my binder! We were both home and fedex knocked on the door and I made sure to answer it. I quickly opened the package and threw away the label and when she asked what it was I said it was a shirt. I'm actually wearing it now under my shirt and haven't said anything to her. I don't know if she hasn't noticed or is just not mentioning it. It looks awesome though! I look completely flat and it might even be more comfortable than a sports bra. I was worried about my breathing being constricted but it is no worse than a bra. ---------- Post added 18th May 2016 at 12:02 PM ---------- Lol I must've been flatter than I thought if my breasts can just disappear and my fiancee doesn't even notice. I really like how this binder looks just like a tank top. I got the full length. It doesn't look like a bra but it doesn't scream "binder" either. Underworks.
Yay! Great interception! And, glad you like the binder. You know, she's been gone a while. Maybe she thinks you lost a couple pounds. Anyway, I'm glad it makes you feel comfortable and that your catastrophe dream didn't happen. You will get to tell her when you're ready. Take your time. You're going to do great.
Hey thanks for the interest guys! Another update: I did tell her i have a therapy appointment tomorrow. After some hesitation I told her it was with a gender therapist. She at least /sounded/ pretty happy about it! Clearly she understands I am having problems and she is glad I'm getting help. This is quite a relief. After just breaking that initial ice I feel like I can tell her anything later. At least she knows it is still on my mind.
I'm definitely happy! I just hope she understands what that entails...like I'm not just going to talk about my gender dysphoria, but this may very well be the first step in me receiving hormone treatment some day, and some day I don't even know if she will be attracted to me anymore...but at least I know she is going to try and make it work and she is not horrified by these thoughts...
So good! I'm so proud of you! I think this might give you a conversation starter for whenever you are ready to have conversations with her about this. "Hey, so I wanted to talk to you about what happened in therapy today," is a pretty good way to break the ice if she knows you are going. Also, most therapists are willing to help you have that kind of conversation in session if you want, or if she had questions about things, she might could go with you and you could explore the answers together. You're in such a good position now. I'm very proud of you.
