About Bi guys and how they date

It was definitely those two guys. Most bisexuals are normal people who just happen to like men AND women.:icon_wink

 

I think the question behind the thread is quite a common one. An inability to understand something that has resulted in an unfair stereotype but based on a genuine query.
Other examples that have been made such as hair colour, race, eye colour etc are not really satisfactory comparisons.
There is obviously a significant difference between men and women, both emotionally and physically (sexually included). So whereas the difference between blue eyes and green eyes is insignificant, they difference between a P and a V is very significant for example.
Without feeling attraction for both genders, it is impossible to truly understand so you just have to accept that if you are in a relationship with someone who is bi, they have chosen to be with you and no one else. If you are paranoid about them cheating on you then maybe it's not the right person to be with. No matter who you're with, you have to trust them, often on good faith so regardless of sexuality you have to run the risk of being hurt if you want the chance of being happy.

 

As I said in my earlier post not only am I a Kinsey 4.5, and I am poly, when I met my wife and decided to be in a relationship with her, I knew she would only accept a monogamous relationship so I not only gave up men (which I am more attracted to), but I gave up being poly. Now 20 years later, even though I do miss being poly and being with men, my promise to her to stay monogamous is still just as strong and will remain that way until I die. So don't think all bi people are assholes.

 

I think you need to separate ''sexual orientation'' or ''attraction'' and ''fidelity'' they absolutely are NOT related.

My sexual orientation is bi so I am attracted to both women and men, it doesn't mean I want to be with a woman AND a man just that I could be attracted to a woman or to a man, not that I need both. The same way you being attracted to men doesn't mean that just because you have access to other gay men that you want to be with every single one of them.
I am more attracted to women BUT if I was to fall for a guy then there would be only him.
It is possible that I'd miss women or intimacy with them BUT it doesn't mean I will cheat.
If my attraction to the same or opposite sex was to become a deal-breaker then I would do things properly and break up with the person. Whether or not I would end up with the same or opposite sex after my break up would be irrelevant. The same way that the fact that your exs went back to girls after your breakup is irrelevant. It may have hurt you but you knew they were bi so you knew they were attracted to the opposite sex from the get go. Cheating is wrong regardless of who you cheat with. Cheating with the opposite sex isn't worth than cheating with the same-sex, cheating is cheating.
It is perfectly normal to be pissed/hurt if someone cheats on you.
It is perfectly normal to be pissed/hurt if someone you cared about / love leaves you and start dating someone else within a week.
It is not normal to be more pissed because their new partner is of the opposite sex.
It is not okay to stereotype the behaviour of an entire group based simply on one person.

From what I have gathered though, your ex boyfriends haven't done anything wrong. Yes their behaviour sucks (and trust me you are much better off without them !) but in the grand scheme of things they haven't done anything wrong. They didn't think the relationship was going to work out so they broke up with you and very soon after started a relationship with someone else. Your problem seem to be the fact that this someone else is of the opposite sex, but it really is irrelevant. They've put a stop to that relationship because they didn't think it was viable, who they have sex/date after you is irrelevant.
Once you'll have wrapped your head around the fact that it's the cheating that's bad and not who with, you'll have a much easier time dating bisexual people.

Good luck though, as I understand it must be tough and a bit confusing! (*hug*)

 

I feel like this post should be stickied. Well said!

 

Bisexuals can lead fulfilling lives with monogamous relationships just like heterosexuals and homosexuals. Though, it is harder for younger Bi people trying to accept themselves.

I'm at the stage where I've mostly accepted myself but not there 100%. Being bisexual definitely has its own challenges and issues that others don't deal with.

 

Yes, those are .. well, maybe "bad" is a poor term. "Inconsiderate" is what I would go with.

Since this thread or something like it re-occurs every week or two, should save it and repost each time.

Perhaps a way of rephrasing our response to the OP's issues is to suggest avoiding people that are questioning their sexuality? That seemed to be the case to me?

 

Haha thanks.

Haha, I'll copy paste it.


I wouldn't advice him not to date people that are questioning as I think we have all been through this questioning phase and would have all hated being discriminated against just because we weren't a 100% sure that we were gay/lesbian/bi or just because we didn't want to label ourselves.
Dating people that are questioning their sexuality isn't for everyone though, so I would advice the OP to ask himself whether or not the idea of his partner possibly realizing that they are indeed straight or simply like girls more would be too difficult and if so then maybe dating a bisexual person or someone that is questioning isn't in his best interest.

BUT the problem for the OP and other people like him as nothing to do with them dating people that are question their sexuality. The OP has for example has been dating two bisexual guys, they aren't ''questioning'' they like both and they know it, OP knew it too but for some reason chose to ignore that fact and assume that them dating him meant they were actually gay. I think that's where the problem lie. Most of the people that write that kind of posts have absolutely NO understanding of bisexuality and what it entails, they have their own version in their mind that seem to be that those guys/girls are actually gay/lesbian so when their partner show an interest toward the opposite sex it comes as a total shock to them and they start throwing words such as ''greedy'', ''unfaithful'' , ''cheaters'' and so on. Truth is, they've misled themselves into thinking that the ''straight part'' of their partner ceased to exist the minute they started a relationship with them when that's not how it works. My advice to the OP and other people like him would be to get inform about bisexuality, to talk about bisexuality to their potential/future partner and ask them what it means to them and see if that's something they can deal with.
If you are gay and think your boyfriend cheating on you with a woman is worse than him cheating on you with a man then you are probably not made to date bisexual people. It's fine, different strokes for different folks just don't delude yourself about what bisexuality is and what dating a bisexual mean or entail and then come back calling ALL bisexual people ''greedy'' and ''cheater'' because you hadn't understood how bisexuality worked.

I understand bisexuality is a complicated and very abstract concept for a lot of people that can't imagine liking both and I sympathize but it is very annoying to see people that obviously have no clue about bisexuality willingly choosing not to inform themselves or ask questions, coming back a couple month later heartbroken and whining about how ''bisexuals are all the same'' when this could have been avoided had they talked about bisexuality at the very beginning of the relationship and realized they couldn't handle it.
The same way I would not dare entering a relationship with an asexual or a transgender folk without asking them question about their sexual orientation and what it means for them or would mean for us if we were to take things further. If I can't live without sex I would be stupid to start a relationship with someone that is asexual as it would most likely not work out and I would end up hurting that person's feelings as well as mine, so it is beyond me why some people that, apparently think being attracted to the opposite sex is an abomination, would want to date bisexual people. Though they do.:rolle:

Ah well, it is a funny world we live in.

 

This isn't the case, the OP expressed that the first guy he dated wasn't open about his bisexuality. The pain and damage to his own confidence could have been devastating depending on his own journey, considering this was his first same sex partner. This isn't entirely the fault of the other guy but the OP is entitled to have these concerns due to the rejection and self questioning caused as a result.

Isn't that just an argument that bisexual people couldn't possibly be in a lifelong monogamous relationship with one person? I don't think everyone would agree but it's a view that many share and is a huge part of the biphobia arguement.

 

As I said I totally sympathize with the OP and totally understand why he may be heartbroken/ feel as if bi guys can't be trusted. There is no doubt here that those two guys weren't in any way good people and that he is much better off without them.

I still don't think that the problem are people that are questioning their sexuality or are bisexuals though. I think the problem is the people who have a problem with that. There is nothing wrong with liking the opposite sex but there is a problem with finding it wrong though, the same way there is a problem with finding homosexuality wrong. When someone judge or discriminate someone else because he happens to like the opposite sex or doesn't happen to be a 100% gay then he is no better than homophobic folks that do the same with gay people.
As I said, cheating is bad regardless of the gender you cheat on with. Thinking the cheating is worse because it was with someone of the opposite sex is ridiculous. Being offended or hurt because the person chose to date someone of the opposite sex AFTER the relationship ended is ridiculous as well. It is absolutely normal and fine to be hurt by seeing someone move on as it is never an easy thing to witness, but it is unreasonable to more hurt/angry because the person is moving on with someone of the opposite sex.

You say '' This isn't the case, the OP expressed that the first guy he dated wasn't open about his bisexuality. The pain and damage to his own confidence could have been devastating depending on his own journey, considering this was his first same sex partner. ''

But why ? As far as I am concerned they didn't cheat on him. They broke up with him and then went out with girls. Yes it sucks and yes it probably hurt. But why seeing them move on with girls should be more painful and damaging than seeing them move on with another guy ? That's where my problem lie.

As a bisexual person I find it very annoying to have to disclose the fact that I like the opposite sex to be certain that the person I like is okay with it and won't discriminate me or rule me out as a ''cheater'' because of a stupid stereotype. I hate being made to feel like I am the problem when the problem is actually them being very insecure and misinformed.

As for this, I don't know of anyone that is bisexual that would say that they could not be in a monogamous relationship (not saying that those don't exist) so I would have to go with the belief that this argument have been created by a group of people that have been cheated on by some bisexual people and chose to put us all in the same bag.