Daughter 'thinks' she is gay? Advice please!

Most people figure it out by their mid-late teens, but everyone's different. I have gay friends who knew at ages 4, 6, 7, etc. It took me until my early 20s to know for sure.

Just by being here, asking questions, showing your support for LGBT people, and wanting the best for your daughter, you're doing an amazing job as a parent.

DFW can be a decent area for gay people. I dated a guy from that area and he said Dallas especially is fairly progressive and gay-friendly. Highschool, I'm not so sure, but kids on the whole are much more accepting of LGBT people these days.

 

Re: 10 year old DD says she thinks she is gay...

I think here are many things that could mean "think" in this case. For example: she's probably not completely sure because she has no gay experience yet (the Internet is full of people telling you you can't know for sure then); she knows she is but hasn't accepted it fully yet (well, denial is a funny thing); she feels like she is but isn't sure it's going to stay this way (it's rather easy to believe it could be just a phase with so many anti-lgbt people around); or it could mean she's sure and is just testing waters (it's never easy to tell your own parents, however supportive they seem).

 

Just give her time, there is no deadline for her to be "utterly sure of things". Just let her know that you're there for her to talk to whenever and once she feels that she's sure of things, she may or may not talk about it and that's ok. It's great of you to be supportive of her, you two are very lucky to have each other. Maybe try taking her to a local LGBT center so she can talk to someone or find a group of kids her age that are also LGBT so she can have that added support so she doesn't feel alone.

 

The best advice is probably not to rush it. The more you push the more she will think it is either a serious issue or something to he ashamed off/she needs to hide or both or at least that is how I felt. I knew I was different ever since I had my first tg experience at the age of five. Ive been in doubt untill last year and Im 29 now. So when ahe says she 'thinks' that is probably exactly what she means. She probably feels she is different but is not quite sure in what way (also she is (hopefully) not sexually developed mentally so that doesnt help either).

 

Looks shes coming up on the toughest years of her life and it's very confusing! She may be gay she may not be. If you have suspected it for a while though then she probably is. My mom knew I was gay by the time I was 3.

 

I agree with this. And I think you're absolutely awesome for being so supportive!

It's possible for her to know at such a young age, even though some people will say she's too young, and doesn't know what she wants yet. But those same people don't question when a girl that age says she likes a boy, because that fits into their perfect little ignorant views.

I say just give her some time to come to terms with it herself. She has touched on the subject, which means that there is something there, but by avoiding talking about it, she's saying that she's still trying to figure this out for herself, and trying to find herself. When I was about her age, I realized that I became jealous when my female friends talked to other girls, or even boys. I wanted them all to myself, but didn't quite understand exactly why that was. Seeing as you're so supportive and open about LGBT things, your daughter was able to put a name to her feelings, and that's wonderful!

Just keep being awesome about it, and wait for her to come to you. She now knows that you won't shun her for thinking she's gay, so she doesn't have that fear, like many of us here have of being rejected by our parents/peers. I think it's wonderful that you are willing to move to a friendlier environment for the sake of your daughter!

I grew up in a very homophobic environment, and I think that my parents are only now coming 'round now that they have to deal with LGBT stuff themselves (I came out to them as bisexual, and we suspect my cousin is in a lesbian relationship with a family friend, and another family friend is openly lesbian and engaged to a wonderful woman). So now that it's people closer to home, I think they're starting to see that it's really not the end of the world.

So yeah, my advice to you is to give her some space and wait for her to come to you.

 

There's a difference between thinking you're gay and knowing you're gay. I thought I was gay back when I was about her age, but I only knew I was gay last year (at sixteen). The space in between - as your child grows older, matures physically and sexually, and learns more about herself, in every sense of the word - can be tumultuous and confusing for parent and child alike, so expect this not to be the last you hear of it.

First off, she might really end up identifying as gay, period. I did. A lot of people do. That doesn't mean the time in between won't include a lot of questioning and vacillation. Sexuality is a pretty scary thing to consider - even for someone as lucky as she is to have such an accepting and supportive family - and she'll be asking herself questions about how it'll affect her relationships with her peers, whether it's really worth the social stigma, whether she really doesn't like boys at all, whether she could truly see herself with a woman for life or not. It's always tough driving against the social current, particularly for someone as young as she is. You'll need to be there for her in that time, for emotional support, if nothing else. She'll have all the pressure of a typical teenager who's just starting to learn about crushes and sexual attraction, and then some.

Keep in mind that she is, indeed, young, and this quite possibly won't be how she identifies as an adult. This doesn't mean, of course, that what she says now doesn't have any effect on what she says later, being that she's so young. But she is young, and she will have time and reason to explore herself as she grows up. What she has told you makes it more likely that she will identify as gay long-term, but it's neither a be-all and end-all nor entirely insignificant. She could easily decide that she's bisexual, pan sexual, or some other non-straight identity; only time will tell.

As for the move, the exact nature of the community you live in, the intensity and direction of their oppression, and the depth of their effects on your daughter are important factors to take into consideration. Are the children at school likely to ostracize her for it? Her neighbors? Adults at church? How social is your daughter, and how much would it kill her to hear the people around her saying negative or hurtful things on the occasion that she's around them? Conversely, how much would a move affect her? You should probably talk to her gently about all of this and get her honest opinion. She might prefer to stay and see how things go, despite the possibility of social negativity.

In any case, your daughter is very brave to have told you this, and you are brave for taking it so seriously and so well. It makes me so glad to see how careful and caring you are about your daughter and her sexuality. Damn, I wish I had grown up with parents like you, honestly.

Best of luck with your daughter and the move, keep being awesome!

 

The fact that she felt comfortable telling you before she's even sure yet is evidence to me that you are really supportive and great parents and that you've shown her you are accepting and that it's okay to not know things yet or to make mistakes.
I would say most kids, even of accepting parents, have a hard time wanting to say anything before they're 110% sure, even if it means hiding things and feeling like they can't be open around their parents, because they don't want to disappoint them if they don't have to in a sense, or confusing their parents if they change their minds later on.

So really, that's awesome. She probably doesn't want to talk about it now is probably because she's still trying to figure things out in her own mind.

Also, she may feel like she's put a certain expectation on you guys by telling you, so I think mentioning to her that it's okay no matter what she finds in the future.

Best wishes.

 

I just want to say that I told my family that I "thought" I "might" not be straight in the hopes that they would treat it more lightly even though I was very sure at least that I wasn't straight. So definitely take her seriously. It's wonderful that you are so supportive! I've found the best thing was when my father told me it wasn't a big deal. I just found that very reassuring.