I think I need to tell her now

So, things are coming to a head with my wife and I think I need to come out to her in the next couple of weeks. She asked me the other night if she was still on "probation". A couple months ago I told her that I was in therapy and one of the issues was our low levels of intimacy. I had told her we needed to work on our marriage and I would some day have a real conversation about everything.

She has concluded that I am considering leaving her and is blaming herself. I put her off again by telling her that I loved her, was not planning on leaving and that we needed to have a good long talk soon.

The real issue is that I have not disclosed my bisexuality and how I almost cheated on her a couple times with hookups. I needed to get my shit together, and a health issue resolved, before I disclosed all that.

I feel terrible that she is taking all of the responsibility for our problems because I have not been honest. But, now I am terrified, again, about how she will take the news. IF she doesn't already know.

I feel like I am in a fog. Like I will be telling her something I made up in my mind...I am not really bi...just confused. I will come out to something that is not really me and have to wear it with her the rest of my life.

I know this isn't true (I did almost hook up with another guy...that's sort of a clue!). It's just that it would be so easy to tell her, and myself, that I was just anxious over my health and now everything is O.K. and go back deep in the closet and stay married for another 30 years. After all, life was pretty good on the low end of the Kinsey scale. Looking back, it seems more appealing than looking ahead.

Just putting this out there. No real advice needed.

 

OTH

I have wondered if I should just leave out the whole CL thing...my therapist agrees with you. She is freakish about disease potential and that may be all she hears. But, I am worried about not telling her everything because there is a pretty good chance she will out right ask if there is anything I am not telling her. She does know about a couple of other near misses...another guy and two other women in the past year. But, those were sort of "clean" things...not "dirty" deception with internet pervs. She likes the guy that propositioned me so she has sort of enjoyed it. I could just say I really wanted to do him too and see if she might get distracted!

If I could NOT tell her about the CL thing this would be so much easier.

COS

I think the intimacy problems we have been having are largely due to her. But, there is a part of it that could be due to me holding back on part of myself and that is preventing us from sharing as deeply as we could. I love the Seinfeld analogy too. I have done that to her.

 

OTH

Good idea. She will likely be more upset with why I have not been upfront about my orientation for so long anyway (I did tell her while we dated but did not reinforce it). I will just say that I became really interested in acting on my desires and that is why I freaked out (sort of the truth). She may not want the details.

Thanks...I am feeling more comfortable. You're right that I have to jump. Playing "what if" scenarios in my head is not productive.

 

Thanks Dirtyshirt, Adray and Siennafire

I still go back and forth on the disclosure of what I have done. I think I am going to just let her ask for details if she wants them. I am not sure she will. When I told her about my concerns about our intimacy issues a couple months ago I told her I had been seduced by three people in the last year and none were my wife. She did not even ask for details. I told her about them a few days later in detail at my option. So, maybe I won't have to lie about CL. My wife is almost paranoid about internet privacy stuff and she will just hate that I "met" someone online. She would be less concerned if I drilled a guy I met on a bike ride (oops...fantasy here) than discussing a meetup online. If it were any other venue...

SF. Your concerns about me telling her my orientation while I am "negotiating" intimacy has been why I have not told her sooner. I do not want this to be a threat...sleep with me or I'll sleep with him. It is a risk I have to take because she admitted being so worried right now and I feel like I cannot string her along. I cannot not tell her either. The lack of intimacy has fired up my same sex desires. There is no question, in my mind, that the two are related. At least I also had opposite sex "almost" encounters during the same time.

She will, certainly, ask if I want a boyfriend and how that would work. So, I should have an answer ready...except I don't know if I want that anymore. My wife does not respond well to the "scripted" response. It worked terribly when I discussed our intimacy issues before and my therapist warned me not to do it again.

Oh man, I wish I would have had the balls 30 years ago! Where is the damn closet!

---------- Post added 11th May 2016 at 03:44 PM ----------

Andy

How long have you been married? Any kids?
Are you looking at staying in the marriage?

 

It has more to do with the quality of the intimacy and the recognition that she finds me sexually desirable and that I can satisfy her or even that she wants me to satisfy her. She has not initiated sex in 15 years. So, she needs to want me. It is not, really, a numbers thing.

My hope is that my bisexuality sparks some interest on her part. She is turned on (as much as she gets these days) by male male sex in films or when I "make out" with a friend...as a joke. She also describes hot guys on her swim team to me. So, I may have some material to work with that would improve our play time and maybe that's what we need.

Next week I meet a new friend of hers. A guy that was widowed at 70 something and then came out as gay. Odd timing!

You asked about a contingency plan. I don't have one! I am winging this! Our marriage will survive, in some manner, no matter what happens because I would never abandon her. I don't want to...that's authentic me!

---------- Post added 11th May 2016 at 06:13 PM ----------

I know the feeling about dying in the act of coming out. I started worrying yesterday and had to hit the gym and the pool all evening (raining too hard to pedal my frustrations away). I could hardly move this morning!

I made a date the weekend after next to "talk". So, my deadline looms. Your therapist calls you "gay" and I cannot even get mine to label me as "bi"...the closest is "bicurious" because I have never acted on it except a little bit as kid.

My wife loves the gay guy comes out and stays married as friends for life story. But, she sees the wife as not needing sex so what does it matter if her husband is gay! It is a different story for each of us! If only I didn't want sex with my wife most of all!

 

I probably should have made it clearer. I have no intention, at this point in my life, with not having some outlet and openness for my sexuality. I know it would explode again if I am not getting the emotional and sexual intimacy that I need.

My wife is wonderful except for this thing. Really, every other aspect of our lives is like a fantasy come true for me. My fear is that she and I cannot become sexually intimate again...not that we will not stay married as friends. Leaving her is not an option. It is not financial...we are independent financially and each have our own house. She needs me...I take care of her.

If she cannot fulfill my sexual needs, I am pretty sure she will allow me to find it elsewhere while remaining married. It may be with men, rather than women, because that may be more acceptable to her. She will not deny me this, but she may not allow me any sexual contact with her if I go that route. I am bi. So, this might not work.

It is just that I want her more, much more, than some dude I haven't even met. My fear is that her knowing my sexual orientation will make that less likely. My hope is that it will bring us closer together. Had I not started to search out hookups it would be a different story. Although that was my watershed moment.

 

I think I get where you are going with this and I have certainly considered if I can be completely satisfied without exploring my same sex desires. I am sure I will not be satisfied. That is a given I guess. But, this is the plight of being bisexual I suppose. I will never be completely satisfied in any monogamous relationship and yet I am monogamous.

I need to build on what I have and not try and start over. The only way is to be honest and hope I can find an answer with my wife. She is really trying to be closer and things have gotten so much better already.

Thanks Siennafire

Will it be enough? We'll see. But, the first person to know if it isn't will be my wife this time.

 

My wife's entire life is built around me. I am outgoing and make friends easily. My wife does not. Her entire family is held together because I have relationships with each and they are estranged from each other. That's the practical reason. The emotional reason is that I have never met another person like my wife. We have both been extreme athletes and are in exceptional condition for our ages. We spend hours a week doing some amazing outdoor activities..some pretty dangerous.

So we have a different type of bond than most other couples...very hard to explain...but, I could never find that with someone else..I would give up sex if that was the choice...it might be.

We have two houses because we work in two different towns three days a week. We each would work 40 hours in three days so we had 4 day weekends to spend doing our sports.

We are a pretty atypical couple so a lot of the usual relationship metrics don't apply.