Agreed, however it isn't the role of a therapist to impose their ethical ideals on their patients. If it were then you would have just made an argument supporting the religious groups intent on using 'conversion therapy' on young LGBT adults. It is their job to challenge when at work but it is not their right or obligation to do so in any other environment. Challenging the patient is an important tool to encourage them to find the answers for themselves, it isn't the role of the therapist to provide those answers or dictate what they should be. It is also against ethical practice to judge a patient or attempt to manipulate them for the benefit of the therapists ethical/moral goals. It is also worth noting that the OP posted in a support and discussion forum and wasn't expressly seeking therapy.
If its consensual, you're both having fun and you're keeping each other happy... There's no harm in messing around with each other (however you want to take that.) BUT, sometimes age isn't always "just a number" You both are and will always been in completely separate stages of your life. It would be slightly more fitting if you were 52 and he were 30, there would be more maturity and he wouldn't be just beginning his adult-hood, but it's still such a vast difference. I'm only 24 and I cant even fathom to understand my mindset and thoughts about life when I was 18. I'm sure I'll feel the same way about my 24 year-old self when I'm 30, too. But who am I or anyone on this forum to keep you from someone that makes you happy? In the end, do what you WANT to do and what makes you happy.
You have seen my post, you know where I stand on the issue which is rather balanced; and I did not take offense from the post. Those that objected, maybe it stung more for a reason. And for those whom have objected, they certainly do not need to participate if they found that much offense with it.
I didn't see Chip as providing therapy to anyone. What I read was that he offered his experience and expertise in the dynamics of this sort of relationship and the potential pitfalls. I think it is valuable to recognize this expertise. The reason most of us are here is to learn and share. Sometimes that involves a harsh dose of reality. Sometimes that involves someone with experience stepping forward with a strong response. When one sees the damage that CAN be caused as a result of this sort of relationship, it is hard to sit back and say "to each his own". The OP did ask the forum what we thought. So, there it is. It's all fun till someone gets hurt!
Apologies if you felt I was criticising your point of view but that wasn't my intention. Your full post was balanced and I don't disagree with most of what you said on the issues directly related to the thread.
When I was 31, I met a 19 year old guy who totally captivated me. He was mature, intelligent, funny, gorgeous...I have to admit, I fell hard. Surprisingly enough, so did he. He didn't have "daddy issues" (I love his dad!). Now, 6 years later, we're married and the parents of a 5 month old. I won't say it was easy going at the start...but we were committed to working through the problems and issues that arose. I'm not saying that relationships with age gaps are easy, or that they work for everyone. But yeah...they're possible.
I could care less how many people disagree. I also know that age gap relationships are prevalent in the gay community. So is crystal meth, and so is low self esteem None of these is remotely healthy, and so it's important to educate people about the risks. Especially where there's a younger person who stands to get harmed by this. 100% true. And just because there are more forms of power imbalances than just the ones inherent in age gap relationships isn't a justification for age-gap relationships. He's clearly seeking a father figure. It's obvious in how he describes what he's after. That means he doesn't understand the difference between longing for an older figure to model himself after and being in love with someone. That's someone who's pretty vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I find it particularly amusing that you're making assumptions about my past. Actually, my past has -zero- to do with this situation. I've never been in an age-gap relationship at either end of the curve. My concern about it comes from the numerous experiences people have described here and many other places, by the reports of people who work with these populations in various settings, from studies and anecdotal reports looking at stability among age-concordant and age-gap relationships, and other factors. No, it's not because I got burned. Sorry to burst your bubble. I disagree with your characterization, but it's illuminating in that it says a lot about the people who interpret the words I used in that way.
I agree with both of these views. Certain therapists have views of what a client should do or how they should act, even if it isn't said outright. It can be read in other ways. They shouldn't cajole people into their way of thinking or their personality style. Correct. The person in the OP came on for opinions and not for therapeutic advice. And many gave opinions. This is a touchy subject for more mature folks who don't want to feel rejected and for younger folks who don't want to feel preyed upon and made uncomfortable. That's what comes out of large age imbalances from what I've been able to observe.
Oh my lord, another thread moderately derailed. Um, I'd say that you should really think about it very, very hard, OP. I'm 18, most of my friends are the same age, and I don't think that any of us would chase after a 40 year old without an ulterior motive, conscious or not. Partially because, it simply isn't sensible (so thanks, everyone here basically saying that 18 year olds don't know their own mind! That's not at all patronising!) or practical in the long term. In a relationship with such an age gap, it's not going to be something that you will just forget about in time. It's always going to be there, although sure, if things go well it won't matter as much. Please don't take that the wrong way! There's nothing wrong with being 40. It's just that you are, to put it bluntly, old enough to be his father and that is not something you can just dismiss. It might work out totally fine. Age isn't everything and just because this man is a lot younger doesn't necessarily equal an unhealthy relationship. Personally, I'd just say that you should really try and find out exactly *why* he is doing this, and how it might end in the long term. If you want a serious relationship then you have to plan for the future.
