Im 40 dating an 18 year old guy

I'll say this, if you keep it as just FWB and he wants more, it could end sooner than you might think. 18 year olds have a unique ability to get over stuff quickly, so he might feel heartbroken by you not wanting to be more than FWB, and he could end up moving on and finding somebody else quickly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with casually dating him. You don't have to get married, but you can be committed to each other and just let things happen as they may. If that's what you want, anyway.

 

Oh poppycock.

You might as well argue that a 30 year old isn't emotionally mature enough to be with someone over 40 because they're going to have had different life experiences so aren't "emotionally mature" enough to deal with it.
Or that a person who hasn't been in a relationship at all, regardless of age, shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has, because they've not had the experiences to be "emotionally mature".

Sure, an 18 year old is likely to have a different mentality and idea of what they want compared to someone older, but the "emotionally mature" argument really is just a vain attempt to justify ageism and conform to social ideals of what people should and shouldn't be doing.

It's also a way for older people to patronise those that are younger to make them feel like they've "grown up".

As I say, if an 18 year old is perfectly capable of being used in state sanctioned killing, then they're more than capable to have a romantic liaison with someone older.

 

Well quite - he knows his own mind.

As long as you feel good and you talk to him about what he wants, just as you would in ANY relationship, you go for it and have fun.

I mean, again, as with ANY relationship, if you start to think you're taking advantage of them, then you must reassess your situation, but that is age irrelevent.

---------- Post added 12th May 2016 at 05:11 AM ----------

What utter drivel.

Implying a member is a rapist. Good call, administrator.

 

Blighted... Really inappropriate, immature, and offensive comment by you. Hope you calm down and reconsider the hyperbole.

I may not have completely disagreed with you and was going to add to the discussion, but there's no point when you're this out of line.

 

Yes! Go for it! There will always be someone like me to pick up the pieces if it doesn't work out (note. Sarcasm. You seem to only be able to read things you want to read).

Look. He is an adult, you are an adult. It is not my place to judge this. But, I have known young people (men and women) who are scarred by these sorts of relationships. So, please do not hurt him. Please.

There is some truth to blightedsights posts. Age does not guarantee maturity. And youth does not mean immaturity. But, the odds are that at his age he is not ready for a relationship (sex is a relationship) with someone so much older. He could be the exception. But, how would you know this meeting on a dating site?

 

Lol, you're easily swayed, OP.

What does it matter what anyone on here says? I guess you did come for advice, but as Nickw points out, seems like you're only listening to what you want to hear - which is fine. Is a 40 year old dating and having sex with an 18 year old appropriate? No, not really. Actually, it's pretty gross. It's legal, but does it seem logical or rational? I mean, not really... what do you two have in common besides wanting to screw someone in an age range that's impressive to the both of you, but for opposite reasons?

Young people date old people all the time, usually for some kind of gain. I don't know how much this kid will be harmed by having a relationship with someone so much older than him, but you should maybe think of yourself in this situation, too. Are you looking for a loving, long term relationship with someone you can share your life with, or just hoping to have fun? If you are looking for something serious, you're wasting your time on a child when you could be looking for the right person. I can't imagine you're taking this relationship very seriously. Coming on here and getting opinions, and then flipping back and forth based on what others say to do, speaks of your attitude toward this person. And maybe that's a reason why you shouldn't be screwing around with an 18 year old, because you're not truly taking this person and their baggage into consideration, and that could mean that you won't be ready for the emotional storm that may come your way; no one who's all there wants to date someone over twenty years their senior. Like others have said, he's probably wanting a father figure, and who knows what else. People are manipulative. But who knows. Maybe not.

 

I think somebody has a Chip on their shoulder






(!!)

 

You know what, Chip? There are actually many people, not just Blightedsight, who disagree with you on this. They've just been bullied in to submission by your predictable narrowsighted vitriol. So, dont try and make out that Blightedsight stands alone on this.

You talk about power imbalance... but in many relationships there are power imbalances... it doesnt mean that the person with the most money or the most experience, by default, is taking advantage of the other person. You also said that this 18 year old sounds particularly vulnerable... But I havent seen any evidence of that. I understand where you're coming from when it comes to vulnerable people. And OBVIOUSLY if someone is particularly vulnerable then they shouldnt be taken advantage of but you know almost nothing about either of the 2 people involved. You havent asked any questions of the OP about anything, you've just come to a judgement on a situation which you have imagined in your own head.
You are judging this situation on age alone and you are letting your own past get in the way of your judgement.

And, yes, you have basically accused someone of being a rapist and its not actually the first time that you have accused someone of this sort of thing on this forum.

 

First off, if a professional therapist, with the background, experience, research and history deeper to understand this dynamic reflects professional views with the perspective of both the younger individual and older individual in such a dynamic, those views should be respected. And I think it is also understandable how both sides might get a bit expressive in their emotions given the sensitivity of the subject at hand. (and as anyone whom has visited with a very good therapist knows, its the job of the therapist to challenge the patient and sometimes that challenge can come across as being extreme, but thats their job).

That said, the attraction to younger guys by older guys is pretty obvious - youth. The perception of youth is powerful. For some older guys, its the perceived loss of youth, maybe the perception that their youth has somehow been stolen from them and they never had a youth, a potential feeling of inferiority, etc. etc. From my perspective, being with a younger individual (and as I am thinking about this, its clear this is not just an LGBT issue, but a heteronormative issue as well), helps an older individual placate their insecurities and somehow allows them to recapture what they feel is otherwise missing.

For the younger individual, whom might not have had a proper parental figure that provided a loving and emotionally positive environment, being with someone older helps them find a perceived emotional parental figure that they otherwise felt they have lost. In the case of the LGBT community, the inherent homophobic views of society might have actually help create this impression whether real or perceived; which is why its seems more prevalent.

After I came out, I had a lot of the same insecurities of an older individual. When I was younger, I also had similar insecurities of a younger individual. I have seen both sides of the coin.

When I was an adolescent, while I thought I knew what I was doing, and I aggressively chased an older guy and manipulated him into sleeping with me, I thought I had everything under control and new exactly what I was doing. And I also thought I could handle it. The scars of which only showed themselves many years later.

As an adult, looking to re establish my youth after coming out, I focused on meeting a lot of younger guys (all of legal age). And as many of you whom have followed my journey over the years know, I did not hold back meeting people. It was very clear to me to see in those younger guys exactly what I saw in myself. In fact, it was so easy for me to just sit back and have these individuals be proactive with me. Now, I can also say that some of them were mature and seemed to have a very strong emotional foundation (My partner was 26 when we met, we are engaged now; and sure he was well past his adolescent stage at this point), but moreso than not, my perception was that a lot of these individuals were trying to fulfill an emotional hole.

I will say, I never got more involved with any of the younger (I will use the range of 19-24) guys than having a hookup or two; I was not interested in pursuing relationships with them. Where I have had two intimate relationships since coming out - one was with a 35 year old, and the other with my partner whom is now 28. Clearly they are both still quite younger than me, but in both those instances, the individuals have had broader life experiences, have faced challenges and enjoyed some accomplishments, such that, from my perspective, they have a mature foundation in order to develop with someone on a more mature and intimate basis.

But even then, with the age gap present with my relationships (as compared to hookups), challenges exist. Debates arise and differences of opinion due to age and mature present themselves. In those cases, it is important for the more mature partner to have patience and recognize those situations for what they are. Either that, or find someone older to have a relationship with.

I personally and not being judgmental here. As I stated in a prior post, proceed with caution. It is up to each individual to decide what that means.