Hi guys, I would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Basically I'm almost 29 and I've just recently come out to everyone. I literally put my love life on hold my entire life until now for religious reasons and societal pressure (homophobic environment). I feel great having come out, but I suffer from low self esteem and chronic social anxiety. This has really prevented me from living the life I wanted all these years and I get so upset thinking about the life I could of lead had I of sought help sooner. At 29 I still feel and look young. However I'm shocked to learn that people view anything outside 30 within the lgbt community is old? I suppose I can't fathom why this obsession with age is such a big deal within our community. I mean it's not as if we have the same demands placed on us as straight people e.g. have kids by such and such a age etc (although I understand many gay people want kids). I guess all this obsession with age has stirred up some further angst with myself and my own situation. There are many mile stones in my life that I've never had a chance to experience yet and now I'm being told I'm too old. I just want to experience everything now from clubbing, to intamacy, to getting a boyfriend and even travelling. Is there really anything wrong with this?
Hi Domo2016, welcome to EC! Yes, in a nutshell, there is something very wrong about this, however, I do think things are changing. There are still too many depictions of washer-board abdomens on young adonises, but if you get out there, and get involved in LGBT organizations, etc, you will find we come in all shapes, sizes and ages. You are still so young! I can tell you, at 56, I am having the time of my life! I am in a loving and wonderful relationship. Keep it real, get out there, try things, gird up your loins and get involved, there is so much you can do! I volunteer for a LGBT hotline here in Montreal, and for a while I was in a gay choir..I am certain you can find similar things to get involved. All the best, and keep us posted on your progress. You took a very courageous step in coming out, you now know what you are capable of, use that knowledge to move forward!
Where did you learn about this from? I mean what is it that makes you think that 30 is old within the 'community'. There are a lot of pressures on age in all walks of life and the stereotypical norms are being challenged right across society. However, in the LGBT, especially for gay/bi men, there is an issue around youth that may cause the problem. Without the pressure to 'grow up' that straight people face, it is easier to be older and feel younger. In my experience this can lead to men in their 30's+ seeing themselves dating other men that are as young as they feel, teens and early 20s. I know that for some people that isn't an issue at all (when I was in my teens I was 'involved' with men in their 30's) but for many people, it is a big problem. It has lead to this image of older gay men being predatory weirdo's and in a few cases, it is right. Sadly that means that for the majority of completely normal ordinary guys 30+, they are branded as desperately trying to cling on to their youth or being some kind of predatory pervert. I'm 33 next month, I've been out for around 19 years. I have this exact same problem as nearly everyone I know does. Don't worry too much on 'lost time' when you could be busy out doing the things you feel you're missing out on.
Hi guys! Thanks so much for your replies. They have definately given me food for thought. With regards to aging I certainly don't want to be seen as the old weirdo down the line, but in the same token I have spent many years repressed and I want to experience everything that I've missed out on in the last 10 years. I guess I worry that others will see me as desperately trying to be 20 when I'm 30 but ya know what, I kinda want that! Most people assume I'm 22 and I don't feel old by any means. I can understand how some older guys may look like creeps but to be honest I'm only interested in guys my own age anyhow. This might sound crazy but I actually look at artists like madonna who at 57 is constantly being put down for trying to cling onto her youth but to be honest I can see myself doing exactly the same lol! Not quite sure if this is a good or a bad thing tho! Cheers for your responses guys!
if you looking to date guys that are 22, then maybe they might think at 29 your "older" despite your looks. If you date guys that are your age, they might think that your "younger" given your looks. At the end of the day, just as greatwhale said, times are changing and, outside of magazine covers, age really seems to be a diminished construct. There are plenty of older guys (however you define it), that only want to date younger guys; there are plenty of "younger" guys that only want to date older guys. And there is everything in between; including those that just want to stick with their own age group. Ignore the media stereotypes, they are completely old school at this point. We are living in new times with new perspectives. Everything from marriage equality, to evolution of non discrimination, and even to how the community defines age.
As an old fart, I had to LOL at this one. I recently had a kid message me: Do you "do" twenty-year-olds? If you're into it, there's no end of sexual partners available at any age. Just for the record, I responded: Not usually. I ended up having quite an interesting conversation with him. Nice kid, a little hung-up on his body — I think he'll be fine. Also, for anyone who IS having sex with a young person, Dan Savage has some very sensible advice he calls his "Campfire Rules." Google it.
I would say as a general rule, when it comes to dating age, it's best to only date people within the same age range as your friends. If you generally don't have shared interest or common ground with a certain age range then it's unlikely that it'll work long term. Your partner should be your 'best friend' I suppose. There is a difference between clinging to your youth and living to your potential. My Great Great Aunt' was still holidaying in spain, drinking alcopop and dancing on the tables in clubs, in her 80's. She was 'pulling' guys I could only dream off, lol. That being said, she wasn't wearing spandex and flashing herself on stage. I really hope she tells me her secret soon because I'd love to have her energy now, never mind in my 90's. One of my best friends is in Gran Canaria for Pride right now and he's ten years older than me. Some people might think he's too old for that but I know what he'd say to that. Do what makes you happy.
I'm 46 and I don't feel locked out of the community at all. I can't imagine feeling that way at 29. You'll be fine.
I'm not sure I buy this idea of agism - the one thing everyone will go through is aging, it happens to us all. I've no doubt you can find your place in the community at any age. After all it is just a number. Youth is wasted on the young
Maybe because being lgbt used to be considered a risky lifestyle associated with reckless teens rather than an orientation? I definitely agree that this view is changing in recent years though.
I am just going to throw this out there - There is No WAY I would want to be a youthful adolescent again (teenage to younger 20s), nor do I find that age period attractive! I certainly do not miss this initial adolescent stage of my life (and yes I was sexually active back then, with both guys and gals prior to closing the closet door). I was a complete immature idiot during my initial adolescence; and I looked at the world with distorted glasses. Most young guys I have come across, with some exceptions, have all too often reminded themselves of me. To me, maturity and life experience are the definition of sexiness and attractiveness. And I do consider this notion to be mutually exclusive to age (where my partner is much younger than me, but himself is wise way beyond his physical years). I guess when others refer to age is just a number, this is what that comment really means to me. As far as physical appearance, I do not necessarily equate age to physical attraction (at least not anymore where I certainly did immediately after coming out of the closet). Recognizing there certainly are very good looking younger guys out there, my physical tastes in guys has evolved massively. It seems, as I have gotten to know myself better and matured into my mid life gayhood, I have found physical characteristics for which I am attracted to have matured as well. And maybe, as I am typing this, I have actually become a bit cynical towards adolescent guys. This might be because I have gone through my second adolescent and, in conjunction with the life experience I have had, realized that types of insane decisions that happen during initial adolescence, and even with some silly decisions I have made during my second adolescences, I have been able to avoid making similar catastrophic mistakes as I made back in my initial adolescence (everyone keeping up???). Then again, maybe I also have a bit of empathy for the struggles that today's adolescent youth still experience, and that offsets my ability to see youth as attractive. Or, it could just simply be that I have matured well past my second adolescence. I would also add youth is a mindset, age is physical. A person can have a youthful perspective on life while still being mature; whereas mother nature really dictates how well we physically age (albeit controllable based on healthy lifestyle choices). If you consider that Life Expectancy in the US is 78 years old, and the OP is only 29 years old, he has only a handful of years passed the one third mark of his life. This means he is still very much on the youthful side of things, but has the benefit of life experience and maturity to help guide him. Taken together with a youthful appearance, seems to me like he is ideally situated at this point in time!
As several have basically said; Don't worry about it my friend! You are YOUNG. I had the same view a year ago when I started looking into coming-out AT 50. I created a profile or two on Gay dating sites just for friendship at this point. Let's just say, the moment I am free to become more than friends there seem to be plenty of options. If you are almost too old... then I am dead and buried. Which I am not yet! Good Luck.
That's what your filter or reference group might be telling you. Without using labels, I was very sexually active from about 32 or 33 up to about 40. But then I liked people my own age and up to about 10 years older, and, on a few occasions, some were slightly younger and they were the ones who indicated interest first. I could only see this happening if you like guys who are younger than yourself or like guys who are the same age, or even older, who happen to like guys who much younger than they are. There's a segment like that. If you can avoid them, and want to avoid them, do it. If you can't, it might lead to this sort of message. There's nothing wrong with that if you can see it for what it is. The biggest hurt seems to come to people who keep advancing in age and don't move the age group they focus on up along with them, even if it is younger. Instead, it remains sort of frozen. That's also an issue in the heterosexual community. Some can work it. Most can't.
From Brené Brown's qualitative research on gay men, we do know (at least according to Brené) that concerns about aging (and appearance, which is somewhat related) is one of the biggest shame triggers for gay men. The ageism perceptions that the OP speaks of does clearly show up in her research, and she has spoken about it many times in her clinical trainings and in other places. So I think the perception that the OP has heard about is a fairly wide one. That said... I strongly suspect (with nothing to back it up except limited anecdotal data) that the perception that Brené's interviews have identified is likely prevalent more among specific groups, such as those who go to clubs and bars, or use hookup apps and the like. In other words... it probably applies to a significant subset of the gay male population, but it is probably not prevalent across the spectrum of gay men. I know plenty of gay men, across the age spectrum, who don't view people "old" at 30 or even 40. The way I look at it... the ones who view someone as "old" at thirty are the same ones who are shallow and focused mostly on appearance... which are not ones I'd want to spend time with anyway, so it really doesn't matter.
Hello everyone, Thank you so much for all of your detailed responses. I have read them all and really appreciate your thoughts. To be honest I was quite drunk when I wrote my original post. On reflection I feel that I am totally over reacting. Age really is complete bullshit at the end of the day and really these convoluted conversations mean very little. When I originally posted this I was filled with angst but now I see things so differently. None of my straight friends view 29 as being remotely old and to be honest I'm actually embarrased that I raised this subject to begin with. I understand I'm still young, thats a given, but I think most of my angst comes from the fact that I spent so long closeted and deprived myself of things which I want. I will be approaching my 30's with the knowledge that I will be making up for the times I spent closeted. I truely want to make it the best decade so far.
I think if anyone ever said I was too old for them, I'd agree. Too experienced, too mature, too intelligent. I'm 53 and pleasantly rounded, I have nothing near washboard abs (unless you're talking about strapping a washboard to my abs to flatten them), but I know I still have a lot to offer someone with the wit to see it. At 29, you show a good level of maturity and empathy, which I think will stand you in good stead as your life goes on. Morgana
Interesting thread, I haven't read all of the posts yet, I shall return to them shortly. In the mean time. A concern I have is, I'm a teen locked in a middle age body - I've read trauma victims can have these symptoms too. My innate sexuality was pretty much shut down at 14, 15 - ruthlessly. I've never gone on dates, kissed, had a lovers spate, any of that. My god I just recently learned that looking into someones eyes can mean you are into them. I'm like one of those guys who's let out of prison, exonerated by DNA evidence, 25 years after the fact. You see this happen all the time, they ask, "whats a cell phone?" I really do not know how to date. (I really did not date girls growing up....gee I wonder why?) So there is anxiety galore. So what am I saying? I really don't know the does and don'ts.
