Today as I woke up without an alarm, I felt happy. Half an hour later, still laying there, I remembered that today is Mothers Day. I remembered years of going to church on mothers day and crying the whole time, or avoiding church and crying, or forcing myself to show up even though I was 30 min late, crying, and leaving early. .... A few months ago, I finally gave up on religion and stopped identifying as Christian. Today I removed all the religious references from the About sections of my facebook page. It's now facebook official. Jesus and I broke up. As I kept chilling in my bed, hugging a cat, swimming in pillows, I was grateful that I finally dont feel a pressure to go to church and cry today. I shall instead rest in the hammock in my back yard. Snuggling back into my blankets, my brain decided to roll another thought out of the closet to myself. I told people that I cried on Mothers Day because singleness is hard and I do want a family. Though those things were true, I cried extra hard because I felt I could never manage a relationship with a man and I would never be allowed to be with a woman. And I couldn't explain that to myself, and certainly not to anyone else. Right now, I'm sitting on my back deck, which is one of my favorite places. The weather is perfect. Beautiful sun and shadows and trees and breeze and leaves. My favorite neighborhood kitty (I call her Xena kitty because she looks like a beautiful, strong, royal huntress) has been sitting in the grass for half an hour. Today, I am grateful that by luck, design, destiny, or something else, my coming out process does not involve a husband or children in my household. Though I still wish I had kids, I don't know if I could do this if I had to bring anyone else with me, especially kids who dont have a choice. I am grateful for my current status as single and childless. I am grateful that I now no longer feel like those statuses are fixed and unchangeable. Maybe someday. At the end of the song She Keeps Me Warm, Mary Lambert repeats the line "I'm not crying on Sundays." I know that I have fussed about crying a lot lately, but its nothing compared to the crying I used to do on Sundays. I remember getting ready for church and asking myself, are three hankies enough to get through church? Usually not. I'm grateful to not be crying today, or if I do, at least I feel like the tears won't go on forever.
I'm glad to see you having a happy Mother's Day. One's faith should not be a source of pain, but rather a source of comfort and warmth. Take time, explore, find a faith that fits your needs, or make one that fits your needs. Mine is a quiet thing, felt rather than mandated. It brings me comfort, happiness, and guidance. I hope you can find or create a faith that does the same for you. As for motherhood, it's a great thing, but it's also not for everyone. Motherhood, like faith, should bring you joy, not pain. That's not to say there isn't pain in motherhood; sometimes there is. But overall, it should be a thing of joy and wonder and smiles and laughter and yeah, some tears sometimes, but even those can be a good thing. I cried when I saw my daughters' dance recitals and choir performances. I cried at my oldest daughter's wedding and will probably cry at my youngest's. I'm technically a dad, not a mom, but I've always felt very strong feelings about being a parent. Both my girls are grown, and I'm so proud of both of them. I'm glad they're in my life and I'm in theirs. If you find that joy, I wish you the best of it. If you choose not to, I wish you the best of that. Warm hugs on this non-crying day for you, and I hope it's a wonderful lazy day for you, full of comfort, smiles, and laughter. Morgana
Morgana is right, faith should not bring you to tears. I am a Christian, but I'm sort of broken up with religion, not Jesus. I really don't think Jesus is the hypocrite who makes me wonder things. How is being gay so awful that I'm presumably not welcome with this lifestyle, yet there are plenty of known liars, cheaters, adulterers, fornicators, etc....who enter the doors every Sunday? It just doesn't make any sense based on what I read. Enjoy your day. Don't cry.
Aww. How lovely that you are in a place where you are willing and able to more fully see and understand the nature and intensity of tears on mother's days in the past. As I've been more open to seeing and understanding who I am, I'm finding that some of the intensity of emotional reactions I've had in the past now make so much more sense to me, and now feel so much less pathological to me. I thought maybe I saw some of that in your post too. Big hugs to you.
I'm so happy for you Katchoo...peace is such a beautiful starting point! Oh, those voices from religious pasts. Remember that you didn't choose those beliefs...they were chosen for you by someone well-meaning, but who didn't know you all that well. Let it go (sounds like you are/have!). My primary thought for you is that you are *so young*...you have so many amazing years ahead of you to experience fulfillment of every sort you choose to pursue. And don't lose sight of the fact that we only have the regrets we choose. *hugs*
