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Gay married men's sexual life with their wives

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by thinkreal93, May 4, 2016.

  1. razorsharp

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    No disrespect but homosexuality just isn't for me. I don't agree with it and it simply is not an option for me in life and never will be, for complicated reasons that I needn't go into. Yes I am a virgin.
     
  2. Nickw

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    Viagra will not necessarily increase one's libido. Frankly, getting hard, which is what Viagra helps with is only 1/2 the "battle". If you are not attracted to women you may not be able to "finish".

    I hope you consider how your wife would feel here. Do you believe it would be fair to her for you to need drugs to find her attractive and share intimacy?
     
  3. razorsharp

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    Nickw: that is a good question and that is what really worries me. I would want to be a good husband and to cut a long story short there is a lot of pressure on me to get married to a woman by family/friends. The last thing I would want to do is hurt a woman or not be able to satisfy her needs. People don't realise how difficult things are for someone like me.
     
  4. thinkreal93

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    Since you don't have interest in living a gay lifestyle even though you're Kinsey 5, I suggest you find a lesbian who shares your interests, or more better, an asexual woman who doesn't have big sexual demands. Even with her, she may like to be sexually involved sometimes but not so much as a straight woman. I think the best scenario for you will be falling deep in love with an asexual woman. There are stories of gay men who fall deep in love with women and are pretty happy in marriage.

    I think using viagra just keeps your penis erect. It has very less to do with libido. Anyway, I don't think it will be an easy life for you. You will have risks of depression, anxiety, & what not, which may lead to bigger problems. You will have to keep your desires at least priority and distract yourself from them, keep yourself busy. Even then, there's no guarantee that your sexual desires will not break away from your control. It's going to be mentally exhausting.
     
  5. razorsharp

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    Thinkreal I agree with the last bit of your post. You are absolutely right, it will be mentally exhausting and I may be depressed/ anxious. I know because this is the state I have been in for most of my life, trying to suppress these desires. The whole thing has made me extremely anxious and depressed and I'm not even married yet. Most people constantly ask me why I'm not married etc and it makes me feel very uncomfortable being the weird one/ odd one out.

    The reason why I joined this forum was because of my struggle. I don't mean to sound sorry for myself but it has been quite hard for me. To the point where I've even seriously considered self harm.

    I was interested in this thread because I was thinking that maybe I'm worrying too much and that it may be ok with a woman. I am slightly attracted to some women. I'm not sure about your other point because where on earth am I supposed to find an asexual woman?
     
  6. thinkreal93

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    You will have to go to asexual forums on the web. Asexuals are pretty rare, so it's gonna be reaallly difficult. You say you're Kinsey 5, so you will enjoy being with a woman, but it may only be a matter of time for you (maybe around 10 years, or even less) to become wary of it or your homosexual desires pressurize you.

    Seeing your problem, why would you want to live such a sorrowful life ? Why torture yourself over something that isn't really harmful to you ? While living the opposite has more chance of hurt to both you and the family you want to construct. I mean I get it's (probably) due to certain religious beliefs or society expectations, but you have your own life to live for yourself , and religion is meant for us to be God-mindful & to live good, humble & disciplinary life. It's not meant to cause us harm. I don't know exactly why you disagree with homosexuality but you need to make peace with this by either embracing it or by curtailing its importance (which is not impossible, but comes with risks as I told above).
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    A large part of your anxiety and depression is probably coming from your attempt to deny your sexuality, at least that was the case for me. I would strongly encourage you to use EC to help you overcome your internalized homophobia and shame, rather than trying to get advice on how to stay in the closet. Your EC profile doesn't list your location, so perhaps your challenges are amplified by where you live.

    Please strongly reconsider your stance. You are gay. Turn and face the music. You will become a better and stronger person as you accept yourself (&&&)
     
    #27 SiennaFire, May 8, 2016
    Last edited: May 8, 2016
  8. Morgana

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    Actually, Viagra requires that one be sexually stimulated to work. It's not the instant erection pill that seems to be the public perception. It facilitates erection when there is an organic cause for erectile dysfunction, such as diabetic neuropathy, poor circulation, etc. It can't cause arousal where no arousal exists. There ARE medications that can cause an erection without concomittant arousal, but they are less common. The only one I know of off the top of my head is called Caverject or Edex (trade names for Alprostadil), and is injected directly into the base of the penis.

    I tried it once on the advice of my urologist for my ED due to diabetes and it worked, but somehow sticking a needle into myself just did something to kill the mood, ya know?

    For what it's worth, I would tend to agree with those that have said you seem to be denying your very nature, though. Perhaps it would be best to revisit that with a competent caring therapist that can help you come to terms with who you are. I realize I don't know you, and this may be unwanted advice. If so, I apologize.

    Take care,

    Morgan
     
  9. razorsharp

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    Thanks for the advice I know you all mean well. I'm not your average EC user. I know my own life better than anyone and trust me when I say this: despite having same gender attractions since I was a child, homosexuality is not an option for me in my life and never will be. Yes, I admit, a lot of it has to do with my upbringing, religion, family and society that I belong to. Despite that, I also happen to disagree with homosexuality. I know some of you do not like to hear this but people like me do exist. I am sure you will all agree that I am entitled to my opinion.

    I saw this thread and I thought that maybe because I might be a Kinsey 5 on the scale, then pursuing a possible life with a marriage to a women (with the best of intentions) might be possible sexually.

    I agree it is not an ideal situation and worrying about it is tearing me apart, I admit. This has been such a long term issue. I do accept that I have same gender attractions, that are unwanted. I know most of the guys on here are happy to embrace these desires, but I am not. If I could make them go away, believe me I would, but this seems difficult.

    At times when I am busy with other aspects of my life, these attractions are less prominent and I am able to ignore them, somewhat. I am hoping that if I eventually end up marrying a woman, then I would be busy with my marriage, family etc which would also be a distraction from these unwanted attractions. I have read that some people have taken this route and have been successful in the long term.

    I hope you all get where I am coming from now. One of the things that worries me is sexual performance with a woman, of course, which is exactly what this thread is about.
     
  10. Jeff

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    Anything you try to do about this is possible so far as short term. It's the long term that will wear you down and turn you into a depressed nutcase that nobody around you would know how to help. You would be living a lie, and pay the price for it, and everyone around you would pay a price as well. Are you fine with making others unhappy so that you can have the "image" is a straight honest marriage? That is all you are going to get is the image of it, not the real thing.

    The best of intentions, and getting by sexually is often the easier part of the puzzle, it's finding out that your perfect marriage is making you miserable beyond imagination that is tougher to get by on.

    The future can also play tricks on you, your interest in men increases X 10, and at 44 year old after 7 years of the games you've been playing at home, a new guy is hired at the office, and this new guy makes you feel real like you have never felt before. Just being around him awakens you to feelings you have never felt. It gets so bad that you must quit your job and get away from this wonderful man. This is when you really become tormented like you have never felt. For the first time in your like you are falling hard in love for a man, it is real, and more real than your phony marriage. This wonderful guy is one in a million and its not going to happen again, yet you must walk away because "homosexuality is not an option for you in your life and never will be".

    You will then spend the rest of your life wondering about that one, the one that you let go of, and living in regret. All this usually drives one to drink and drugs, and anger at yourself and the ones around you.:bang:
     
  11. justaguyinsf

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    Hi razorsharp, I thought I would respond to your dilemma since I've been in your situation and probably have similar attitudes to you about my homosexual desires.

    If I were you I would date women and enjoy whatever happens in that context without trying to figure out how you would perform sexually if you were married to a woman. This will probably give you a chance to do some "first base" sorts of things with women, like kissing and making out, etc. You can then see if you become aroused by being that close to and touching a woman. If there is a mutual desire to go further then that will be another opportunity to see what you enjoy in real life, rather than just trying to project what you might enjoy. You should also be honest if she asks about your sexual history and if you're not sure about your sexuality ... you don't want to deceive her. If your situation is a deal-breaker for her then respect it. But if you're a gentleman and honest you'll have self-respect no matter how she responds.

    While I find sex with men significantly more fulfilling I also thought sex with my ex-wife was good as well. I never had any performance issues. I would have been willing to trade-off the sexual "fireworks" for a good heterosexual marriage, but there were other problems at work as well as my not telling her about my sexual feelings. I have a sense that she was sexually confused by me, which didn't make the situation better, so if I could go back in time I would have been honest with her about that part of myself before we got married. But I never cheated on her and I have a grown daughter, which is a blessing.

    If I were you I would also try dating men, if you can do that safely where you are. This will also give you information about what you may fit with you.

    FWIW, I have had several sexual relationships with men and would still be open to an intimate relationship with a guy but it is extremely difficult to find gay men who are relationship material, and I don't want to go through the whole "disclosure" thing with a woman at this point, although there are no doubt a lot of available women around my age who would be good relationship prospects.

    Good luck and do some experimenting! And don't judge yourself as you go ... just gather information and experience!
     
  12. marriedcd

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    This posts speaks to me as a MtF trans, I so am like OnTheHighway, once I accepted myself as a woman, I honestly think I enjoyed the intimacy with my wife...kind of had an epiphany this weekend...the sex was just mechanical.
     
  13. JonSomebody

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    This was something that I always wondered. You see, I knew this guy ever since I came out because one of my friends at the time was really good friends of his and had introduced us to each other. This guy was very flamboyant, but had a wonderful personality and quite a keen sense of humor that kept me in stitches whenever I was in his company. However, years later, we wound up working for the same hospital and what I found quite shocking and unbelievable was that he was married with two young children. I found this out because the family came to pick him up from work one evening and he wanted me to meet them. The next day, I saw him at work and he approached me laughing hysterically because he knew that I was shocked at what I just found out about him. I did not know what to think considering that whenever he and I would meet up for lunch on occasions, he would be checking out guys and commenting on them like a gay man. He went on to inform me that they have been married for 10 years at that time and that he has never messed around with guys since marrying her and although he is very flamboyant (He put me in the mind of Little Richard!!!)...she adored the way he took care of her and their family. Furthermore, the both of them were very active in the church community as well. I have to say that although he was blatantly flamboyant, he had such a wonderful personality and sense of humor that if you had apprehensions of being in his company because of his behavior were quickly dissolved or overlooked by those qualities that I've mentioned. Not too long after becoming very good friends with him, he and his family had moved to another state. I happened to be out Christmas shopping several years ago and all of a sudden, this car went passed me while I was about to enter the mall and this car came to a screeching halt where this guy jumped out screaming my name. It was him..and he immediately just jumped out of the car and ran towards me with his arms open wide and tears rolling down his face from being so happy to see me. We both became quite emotional right there in the parking lot and people who witness our reunion were applauding because he was hugging me as if he did not want to let me go and then he resulted in cracking jokes as usual and his wife was looking at us laughing as well. That was the last time I saw him..but apparently from their relationship, that confirmed to me that there are gay men who are married with children and yet somehow, they make it work for those involved.