I've been questioning my gender seriously for the past four or so months. Just a few things about me: I've never felt connected to my female birth name; it's always looked foreign to me, and I didn't "feel" like an Emily. I hate shaving more than almost anything, but I do it because I'm afraid that people will judge me for presenting as female and not having smooth skin. I bought a binder a couple months ago and I wear it fairly often, but never around my boyfriend or my family, though my sister knows that I have one. I cut my hair short in February and it was the most relieving thing I've ever done. Recently I've started to dress more masculine and I love it. I love the way I look when I have a flat chest. But I don't really have an issue with my chest. Sometimes I look at it and I wonder why it's there, but I don't hate it or anything. And I have no issues with my genitals in that way either. I also do enjoy wearing dresses and doing my makeup, but I'm in love with presenting masculine. That being said, I have, however, experienced social dysphoria. An example: One day I was at work and teaching a class of kids how to do a self portrait. They were looking at my example that I'd made and a little girl said "You look like a boy there," to which I responded that I look like a boy in real life too. She replied again saying "I don't think so. You look like a girl." That really hit me hard and made me pretty upset inside for the rest of the day. Situations similar to this have happened to me countless times. I've told my close friends that I'm trying to figure out my gender and that I may not be a woman, and they're all majorly supportive. They call me "dude" and "bro" and "man" instead of "girl" or "lady" or my name, and have made it clear that they love me regardless of gender expression or identity. I guess I just wanted to write this all down and put it out there to see if anyone can relate, or has any advice, though I'm not exactly sure what advice I'm asking for to be honest. I really don't want to make this an "am I trans enough?" post, but that's essentially my dilemma. I don't know, man.
Your not alone in these feelings. I don't hate my down stairs either. And while I do sometimes hate my breast I mostly just tend to ignore the fact that they are there, and often time I can't understand why I have them when they are just an utterly useless thing. Flat chest feels more right to have. Could it be that you see yourself as guy when looking in the mirror and feel like like one even when not looking in the mirror? It can be jarring when its so clear, to us at least, that we look like/are guys but no one else seems to see it. As many people will tell you, there is no such thing as not trans enough. You are valid in your identity. And some advice would be not to worry so much on what your gender is but to instead find what makes you comfortable. You've started already with the hair cut, binder, male pronouns, and masculine clothes. You can always try to find a label you like later We also have an anonymous thread to express feelings of not being trans enough should you have like to use it. I'll bump it so you can find it after this. Its always nice nice to see other people share similar feelings.
You definitely have company here. My birth name is horribly feminine and I have always hated it and how "princessy" it is. I never really felt disgusted with my body parts either, but more just disconnected to them. It wasn't until I started binding that I ever felt any discomfort with my chest. Now I can't stand not being flat-chested. It just looks and feels so much better. I never knew what I was missing before. But my social dysphoria has always been around. I don't like being called a girl, ma'am, woman, lady, female, daughter, girlfriend, etc. I don't like being treated like a woman and I don't like when people see me as such. I've always only ever wanted to be one of the guys. And it's weird being around girls and trying to flirt with them as a straight guy but they see you as a lesbian woman. I'd be so much more confident with women if I passed better, honestly.
