Mood swings shifts orientation

I'm the opposite actually. When I'm feeling relatively content, I can surely see myself with guys and less with girls, and I don't stress about my attractions as much. When I'm feeling down, I can't picture myself with either gender. I think it comes down to the fact that I feel less bi when I'm happy, so it's probably some internalized homophobia - feeling happier because I feel more 'normal'. Idk but I have anxiety and depression, so I'm sure that influences things, just like my bc pill (when I'm off it, it's much easier to get aroused). So yeah, you're definitely not alone in this.

 

I think this has less to do with your actual sexual orientation and more to do with it being a symptom of something else. For example -- and this is just a theory -- it could be that you're (unconsciously) suffering from internalized homophobia which is more present when you're in one of your "lower" moods and (the shame) makes you temporarily "turned off" to the same-sex and feel more comfortable with the idea of being with a guy because the thought of it reduces the internalized homophobia and shame.
I know that I, myself, experienced something similar when realizing that I was a lesbian.

 

Wow, I can relate a lot to what you said just now. Acceptance definitely takes time and the internalized homophobia won't go away overnight so I also get stuck in the mindset sometimes that you described where you just think that there must be something wrong with you for being gay and that it can't be a truly logical part of you so maybe you're "tricking" yourself into thinking you're gay. At the same time it doesn't make any sense that you would *choose* this and the deep-seated shame is proof of that as it literally contradicts any desire to be gay. It's all just part of the mind games that the shame plays on you.

I just want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for liking girls and there is nothing shameful about you. You may not believe it right now, but I do.

Is there anything that can make you feel better about liking girls? If so, maybe you could make use of that whenever you're feeling bad about it just to see if it can help pick you up. It seems like you're on the right path to accepting yourself, though, since you said you already have times when you don't care about it

 

That's so interesting. From what I've seen on the forum, it seems like our experience is quite common among those questioning themselves.

Ohh, I think I get it. I understand that you're worried but if you don't allow yourself to fantasize about women anymore I think it can make things even more confusing for you because it reinforces the shame and potentially represses any genuine feelings that you might have for them. If you were to end up realizing that you we're wrong this whole time, there would be nothing wrong with that. Heck, you even have very reasonable reasons for thinking of yourself as not straight since you said, for example, that thinking about sexual things with girls is arousing to you and that would make anyone, who isn't in complete denial, question themselves. It all makes very much sense and it's likely that in time you'll become more confident in yourself and the self-doubt will fade away.

Awesome! You should totally look forward to the future and all that lies ahead of you I hope things go well for you.

 

Right, pretty much everything you said I relate to. In my case it's obvious that I only like girls if I look at all the data from an objective standpoint. Despite this I still sometimes think I've somehow ended up making myself gay and that it's all my fault and that I should and must fix it. Essentially, I blame myself for being gay and in turn being "wrong". That's why I try to talk myself into believing that there might still be a chance that I'm bisexual -- even if there is practically no evidence for it as in, I've never been attracted to a guy. The point is that this is all rooted in shame because I refuse to see what's right in front of me just because I'm terrified of not being good enough and there being something wrong with me just for being gay.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the 5 stages of grief that many people go through when coming to terms with not being straight, but I think I'm in the bargaining/denial stage when I doubt the legitimacy of my sexuality -- and to me it sounds like you might be as well.

Looking back on my own questioning process I realized that it had to take time because I wasn't ready to figure myself out yet. Consciously, I thought I was, but my unconscious was still fighting and holding me back -- again because of shame. It was too scary for me to all at once realize I was gay so it was very much a process for me. Time sounds like something you need as well, even if it may be frustrating to have to "wait", things really do become clearer if you just allow yourself to take your time.

 

Geeezz stop reading my mind, will ya lol. But seriously it's almost uncanny how much I can see myself in your situation o.o that also makes it difficult for me to help you since I haven't figured everything out myself yet (or maybe I have but I'm just in denial/bargaining..) -- and though our experiences are very similar I can't rule out that the causes could be different.
But even if I had the best advice to offer it's ultimately up to you, as you said, to uncover your sexual orientation. But if you want more of my own perspective on it (and I'm trying my best to be unbiased) you already talk about yourself as if part of you thinks/knows that you are gay. You even said yourself that you don't want to do anything with guys even if you find them good-looking. So far I've not seen anything that indicates any sexual attraction towards the opposite sex. I also still stand by this quote:

One thing that helped me figure out if I was gay or bi was to pay close attention to "attractive" guys both in real life and everywhere else basically. I would look at plenty of pictures and videos of guys and fantasize about them sexually over and over again till it finally just dawned on me that I'm gay. Another practice you could try is that the next time a same-sex fantasy arouses/excites you, try to immediately change the girl to a guy and see if it does anything for you. Maybe you've already tried these techniques though.

The part about not being able to rely on any scientific evidence and feel like your sexual orientation is out of your control because you can know for a fact that you didn't choose it if science would say so is what I've literally thought many times. But when it's still ambiguous it can be easy to automatically go to blame oneself or people around you for being the way you are because why else would you be GAY!? Like, that is such a big deal and not something that just happens to anyone and if it does, surely there must be something.. wrong with them... At least that's where my thinking process goes.. Goddammit shame -- ugh. Just trying to figure out how the hell you could be gay yourself can cause a sort of malfunction in your brain @__@

Btw, I'm not sure I can provide much more advice than I already have and there's no point in going around in circles, but if you still want to talk more about this you can hit me up anytime (or we can continue talking on this thread if you would want that). Also, quickly, how long have you been questioning for?

---------- Post added 30th Apr 2016 at 09:38 PM ----------

Just to add: what would happen if you took some time to think of yourself as entirely gay without any doubts or thoughts that you may be fooling yourself and then go on to do the same thing but with imagining yourself as bi or straight? For example, try for a day or so to tell the voice in your head that calls you a liar to shut up and that what it says is not true and your feelings are entirely genuine. Just try it (maybe more than once) and see how you feel.

 

Are you experiencing mood swings in other areas of life?

I have experienced a very similar pattern of there being a relationship between happiness/feeling gay & doubts going together with a low mood.

Personally I have found that I was projecting a whole lot of issues onto my sexuality- I felt that all was ok in the world when I thought of myself as gay, but when I felt that I could be bisexual, I associated it with a lot of sadness- like I would have to give up being with women, or could never be happy, or was somehow resigned to always being unhappy.

I am now realising that those mood shifts were about more than just my sexuality, and I projected them onto my sexuality, because that way the problem became simpler.

I still have a lot of anxiety etc. but I managed to shift it away from the sexual doubts- they way I approached, was to basically tell myself "you don't have to ever be with a guy, if you don't want to". That gave me some control over how I felt - I did not have to worry about 'ending up with a guy'- because I told myself that I did not have to.

 

I understand how you feel and can relate to this- it looks like you want the security that a label provides, but are worried that you will not be able to live up to it, if your circumstances/feelings change.

But a label is not a magical tool which will make everything fit.

Your words and your feelings are valid as they are- what you can do is try to convey some of the meaning of the labels with your own words, without 'committing' to the label yet:
eg you can say " I am not into guys right now", or "I don't want to date boys", " I am still figuring things out and I am not ready to talk about it properly yet", etc.
Let all those things that make you feel happy and good about yourself, stand valid on their own, without trying to attach them to a label.

Once you grow comfortable with yourself and all the things that you like/want and which make you happy, once you give yourself permission to just be as you are, then with time a label will find you.