A tale about confusion and possible responsibilities towards a lesbian.

Yay, confusion! I really thought I had this all figured out but apparently I don't. I'm new here and I've been looking through the threads here and I'm relieved to know I'm not the only confused person out there, but still.

So, let me try explaining what's going on =) First of all: I'm 28, female and a feminist. Sexual orientation: i have no freaking clue anymore.

Once I was 13/14 years I thought to myself "hey, you might be bi-sexual" and that was okay, although I rarley told anyone. Or rather I've never told anyone in my vicinity, but I was quite active online, so "strangers" knew. After a while those "strangers" became my friends but since they didn't live in the same city we rarley met. Anyhoo, I have never had a same-sex relationship of any kind. There has been some kissing, but that's about it. But I still somehow knew that I wasn't straight although I've only dated straight guys.

Recently I started thinking about my so called bi-sexuality and noticed I'm not comfortable with that label. I wasn't comfortable with any label, so I started seeing / identifying myself as queer. I even used a dating platform to find new people since it seemed impossible to find queer/lesbian/trans*/etc. people in "real life"; at least in my city.

And here begins my dilemma.

I messaged with some straight guys and although I always said I'm not looking for a relationship this one guy kissed me after our meeting. Seriously, how often can you say "i'm just looking for new friends"? So, that didn't work out. And as I've browsed through the profiles I found a girl. It took me forever to message her and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped when she replied. We've been writing for some time and our messages got longer and longer. Around christmas she asked if we could meet face-to-face. My heart stopped again, by now, I'm quite sure I had to be a zombie or undead at least xD I said, I'd be happy to meet her and she, of course, never replied again. I say "of course" because I'm a little pessimistic. I was disappointed but it was okay.

A few months ago I thought, well, let's try that dating platform again. I texted with a straight guy and suffice it to say, he turned out to be a sexist. But of course *he* didn't see it that way. I admit I was / am confused whether I want to see him again or not.

But as I was drowning in my own insecurity, I got a message. From that girl who never replied again. 4 months later. She was honest and told me, she had a crush on someone and it broke her heart. She apologized for not replying and not having said anything. I answered and told her, I figured it would be something like this and it's okay (it really is). And then she wrote me another long message - as before, and now I'm confused. When she didn't reply around christmas I secretly thought I dodged the bullet because I wouldn't have to figure out what I want and how to tell her I've never had a same-sex relationship.

And I think that's the point. I don't know what to do. Do I tell her that I've never been in a same-sex relationship? Is it important? Is it my responsibility to tell her? Would it be unfair not to tell her? Do I tell her that I'm still figuring myself out? Is this a topic for a conversation if you've never met yet? I *know* I'm not straight. I *know* I hate it when people assume I'm straight - sometimes I'm seriously offended when someone asks me whether I have a boyfriend or not (depends on my mood). Am I thinking too much about it? It's still quite possible she's not interested in me and just wrote me because of her conscience. But I think I'm scared.. I don't know exactly of what but I know I am.

Uhm, yeah. That's my dilemma. And I think it's not just because of her but a question for the future. I have no idea what to do. I don't know who I like except for I don't only like straight guys.

If someone has some insight or tips I'd be most grateful. This is all new to me and I'm confused.

thanks for reading =)
Leeloo

 

hey, thanks for the reply!

well I'm still not clear of what I want but I don't think it's experimentation. I guess I'd be open to the idea of a relationship as long as we get along, but I think that's the usual part of confusion

As for the messages, they were somewhat deep. Or rather she would tell me about her days at work, or some insight in her family matters. And so would I. But we've never talked about what we want or our own sexual orientation / experiences and so on.

I thought since she wrote to me after 4 months, there had to have been something, right? I mean, I don't think I would write to someone after 4 months just because of the heck of it... I think.