From an understanding dad

This is my first post and it is a LONG POST. It took me an hour to get it right, mainly because I want to get it right in my life with my oldest son. I see a lot of perspectives of mothers who wish to approach their children, but rarely a father's cry for help.

For me, it's a little bit more of a challenge. The Lord blessed me with 3 wonderful children and has allowed me to keep on this earth two of them. I lost a daughter (from a previous relationship) a year and half ago in a single car accident that claimed her life at the age of 20. I have two sons, one is 15 and the youngest is 13. Both of them are extremely intelligent, respectful and well-mannered young men.

As a brief background I will tell you that the mother of my sons and I separated when my oldest was just 2 years and 8 months old. Since then, I have never missed a scheduled weekend, a child support payment or any critical (or even trivial) moment in their lives. I call and talk to them every day and spend as much time with them as I can.

This last weekend was not my scheduled weekend with them. There was an annual festival where they live and mom couldn't take them so they called dad to the rescue. I drove down (100 miles one way and I do it gladly every other weekend) and took them to the street dance and fireworks. While making the trip, I booked a hotel for the night, and took the boys out on the town. After the festivities, my oldest son asked if we could take one of his friends, whom I know is gay and open about it, home who needed a ride. I took him home and we spent time with him at his house playing cards a while. Late in the evening the friend's foster mother came home from a night out and shortly after about 4 more teenage girls and 2 more boys from their respective evening events. It began to get late. When it came time to leave, my oldest son begged to stay, but I explained to him that I didn't like the idea of him staying with his friend in a house full of people I had only met an hour ago. He continued to plead (almost like a 2nd grader) with me to stay. I made a counter offer and said that if his friend wanted to, and if it was okay with his foster mother, that he could spend the night at the hotel with the three of us. His foster mother agreed and off we went.

That night, my oldest son had left his phone charger and it died on him. He used my phone instead to watch Netflix and the two of them stayed up all night watching movies while I and my youngest son slept the night away. After breakfast, checkout, and taking the friend back home I took my sons back to their mothers home and then commenced to the long drive home.

When I got home I noticed that the Netflix page was still up under his sign on. His google account was also up. Everything that's trending, recommended, rated 5 stars by him or on his watch list (like a to-do list for Netflix) was all gay movie or television show content. This, of course, prompted me to look at his recent searches in his Google account. He is looking up homework help, gay porn, and what it is like to be gay without a father?

The last search really dealt a crushing blow to me. And before you all go on about me invading his privacy, he knows we all share the same Netflix main account and I can see his list anytime, just like he can see mine. But I do consider looking through his online searches as a serious breach of his privacy; but I had to know.

It's not like I didn't already know that he would be gay. When he sauntered and sashayed across the preschool grounds at the age of 4 I knew! :lol:

Right now, I am so hurt. But not because he isn't telling me or isn't ready to tell me, but because he actually may have thought that being gay meant he wouldn't have his father or his father's love. Nothing could be more the opposite! I hurt for him because I know it will take years to tell his mother. The best thing I can say about her approach to him having gay friends is a flat out "not in this house or anywhere" attitude. She and her husband (who is 14 years younger than her and a very big 6 foot 3, 375 pound self-admitted "my picture is beside the word" redneck) even went so far as to plan a "speech" and call me with him standing right beside them 4 months ago and express her feelings on various subjects. Which included, but was not limited to, never allowing him to date outside his race, making him stop glee and show choir, and never being around and believing that the gay lifestyle is acceptable.

The conversation continued with even more bigotry and close minded opinions that I listened to, but never responded to because I was so taken aback by the fact that I actually created children with this woman. I knew her family was one that I "tolerated" because I, honestly, felt sorry for them. I had hoped she would have learned that by being with me all those years and with my parents (whom have passed away) that she could tell the differences and see error where it lies and be a better person because of it.

The reason I tell this whole story is this; my son is gay and I know it. But I hurt because I know if, at his age, he tells his mother, that she and her parents, along with her husband, will spend every dime they have to get him in 12-step school programs that try to correct something that doesn't need to be corrected! I believe truly he was born this way. They will, as lovingly as it will appear, persecute my son. To get away from it all, he will lie and say he is rehabilitated to have his mother's approval and love. Deep down inside, he will be in anguish and so depressed he may not see that he has an alternative.

I worry that he will cover up the wonderful young man he is and slide deeper in despair later in life and I simply can't bear to lose another child. I can't and I won't be able to go on living. I wouldn't hurt myself, but I honestly believe that if I lost another child I would die from grief.

I know he is stronger than this, maybe more so than I give him credit for. However, I am prepared to fight for my son. But how do I let him know that I know? How do I tell him that I know he is struggling? How do I tell him that in his small town he will find it hard to keep close confidence with his friends about it because, sooner or later, his mother will find out. How do I drop hints that I want him to come forward and to know that my home may be 100 miles from his friends, but at least it is a safe haven and he will find love and support from his father?

I don't want to scare him or embarrass him, but I also do not want him to think that he could never approach me. I don't want him to think he never could tell me what I already had a feeling about all these years. But most of all, I don't want to see him outnumbered and outgunned, fighting prejudice within his own family without knowing he could have come out to his biggest advocate...his father.

 

To Libra71: Thank you for taking the time to respond with your comments. You're right that I may be assuming what his mother will say, however I highly doubt she will be supportive immediately. She does love the boys very much. I just know her initial reaction (no matter when he tells her) will be hurtful to him. I am also very positive that she will hear it from somewhere else and confront him badly and crush him.

In regards to the options you mentioned, I am concerned about option 1 as any supportive parent should be when it comes to making my son uncomfortable and approaching it before he is ready to talk. I do understand it's a disadvantage, but I feel it will be a very short setback. This is primarily because we have a very good relationship between us.

With option 2, my main concern is that I will appear "too little, too late" in his eyes. While we do have an excellent relationship, I have not really thought about bringing up LGBT supportive conversation at places like the dinner table. He may see it as odd behavior on my part. Yes, I talk a lot :lol: but it usually stays on topic. Perhaps, I can refer him to a Facebook post I made about a year or so ago, that was also a long winded rant, about the freedoms being taken away from LGBT people in the name of "religious freedom".

For the last part, I have the bigger house, I have the more suburban large community that can shield him easier (larger towns usually help keep anonymity), and I have on speed dial my attorney; and she is tough as a two dollar steak!

I wouldn't want a fight, but I will if I have to and I am easily in a position to take custody of him, his brother, or both of them anytime. The only reason the youngest is not living here now is because he doesn't want to leave his friends or his girlfriend. However, he has voiced his opinion to me quite clearly how he detests his stepfather and his, to quote him, "caveman mentality".

To OutofZCloset and pinkpanther: Thank you for taking time to comment. Also Thank you for saying what I wrote was meaningful enough to show him. The only thing I am worried about is him reading the part about sauntering and sashaying. I hope he wouldn't see me as picking on him.

To Guitar: Thank you for your offer to continue discussing this. I am new here with this being my first post and only being here two days. I'm not new to forums, but the messaging service is new to me. I'm a smart guy though. :lol: As soon as I figure everything out I will be more than happy to continue seeking your advice and suggestions.

Thank you all for the responses. Please keep them coming. Any and all are welcome, good or bad. I want to get this right.

 

Wow! All of this advice is so helpful. I have big news! Really big news!

I called him, just like I do everyday, and we started talking about my next vacation. I explained that we would be going to Florida to spend time with my friend from school and his family. I also said that I hoped he would have a good time meeting the kids. They have two, a 15 year old daughter and an 17 year old son. I let him know that his son came out to his dad and is gay and told him when he was about the same age he is now.

I told him how much I support my friend and how loving he is to his son and the courage it must have taken to come out to his father.

My son then asks me if I was still planning on getting him from school and going over to his bestie girlfriend's house for a visit. I responded that that was still the plan and he responded by saying "Good because she and I have something we need to tell you."

I replied by saying "will it be an equally courageous conversation"?

Long story short, we spent the next 20 minutes on the phone and I could tell he was preparing to come out to me on Friday. I waited for an opportunity to come up and I told him I would like to shoot him a link by text and to read it. It was a link to this very page. I asked him to read it carefully and text me back or call me back when he finished reading it.

20 minutes later he texts me and tells me "I read it! And I love you! You are an amazing father and I feel so loved!"

Words cannot express the weight and stress that has been lifted from me. My son came out to me!! And we did it together!

I'm beyond overjoyed. However, I still have so much to learn and so much ground to cover now. It will be quite a while before he will be able to talk to his mom and we are working towards the possibility that his current environment may not be conducive to his orientation. Saturday, we plan on making any and all contingency plans and getting them in place should he ever feel like he is in a no win situation.

Further advice will still be needed. He came out, but now what do I do to make this the best place for him and continue to be that "superman" dad I have always been?

 

We had a great weekend and we made all the necessary contingency plans. I embarrassed myself a couple of times. I kept telling him I had a great deal to learn and he replied that I was being silly. He said "you don't have to watch the same TV shows as me to understand me, just keep being yourself and things will be fine, Dad."

He asked for no preferential treatment. Of which, he received none. We talked and then he hit the books and we worked together on driver education training. He will have to study for that license in 3 more months!

My sons are my best friends and maybe I do try a little too hard sometimes, but it does come from a good place.

 

I do appreciate the wonderful comments. I feel a big weight has been lifted off of me because now my son knows that he is safe here and loved always.

What I wonder now is this... Which section of the forum do I go to from here to find out what to do now? It's not necessarily for me as it is so much for him. What I mean is this... I made it easy for my son to approach me. I was open, honest, caring and understanding. But he still is very much closeted to his mother. I believe that this is both good and bad for him. It's good because he is still safe from ridicule, scrutiny, embarrassment and persecution. It's bad for him because I feel it must be very tough for him to keep it from her. It can't be good for his overall mental well being, right?

I wouldn't really know how he feels of course because of my orientation. So I cannot even begin to grasp how he must be wrestling with this. I will continue to love and support him no matter what, but I also have no idea how to nurture or care for his mental state of being or if I should even intervene at all.