Transgender, Maturity, and how it effects your gender

I totally feel you on that. I used to say that I had "Peter Pan Syndrome", which google says is an actual thing, but I meant that I felt I would be young forever. (Hopefully, a young boy ) I had a lot of trouble feeling that I couldn't grow up, because I couldn't reconcile myself at the moment with growing up to be a woman.

And I still have trouble now, because I have no idea if or when I'll transition, and can't reconcile the idea of peter-pan girlish me now with doing the things I expected to do as an adult, as a man. To some extent I think it's because I don't look my age; I look young enough for a boy that when I go out with my mom people have asked if I'm nervous about starting high school. I'm not sure if T will be the magic answer, but I think starting to look my age will be a huge, huge relief.

In regards to your second question, for me I think it stems from the fact that this has always been something I saw teenage girls do-- like, 'fangirling'. And it's something I did a lot more of in my early teens. So for me to do it now, I almost feel like as a sort-of adult I should have progressed beyond such behavior... but I'm starting to think of it as more just part of my personality. I, as a person, tend to obsess over things like that and happen to like things that are cute.

 

This might have to do with the world seeing women and femininity as less mature than men and masculinity. Specifically trans experiences with this might be because so many of us live behind personas, and societal violence against us often leads to us being mentally ill, which sometimes is seen as sobering.

I felt pretty average maturity-wise until I went through the wrong puberty and lost all hope of ever looking female or living as myself. Then mental illness and my hypermasculine persona came in, and I felt extremely mature. I felt much older than my actual age, and I looked like it too. I was regularly mistaken for being in my mid-20's when I was as young as 16. I was hopeless and meaningless without a trace of idealism or personal expression. Pessimism and masculinity are considered mature, but I find this idea of maturity to be arbitrary and destructive.

Since I started my transition a year and a half ago, I've become close to the person I wanted to be. I've accepted my femininity, and I've become idealistic and sometimes even cheerful. All this has led to me unconsciously considering myself less mature. I'm almost 21 and I'm just now starting to get a grasp on social skills and life skills.

When I really think about it, I consider myself more mature than ever. I've had massive personal development during transition. I think I'm more mature than the average person about most things, except life skills. All in all, I consider myself so off the beaten path that the idea of maturity is too simple to cover my complicated character.

 

I've never felt my age, but I don't know if it's because I'm trans or I have mental illnesses or because it mirrors the way people assume I look or I just like that I act younger. I hope it's mostly the last one. When I do something like react to cute animals or a celebrity, I don't feel silly and feminine, but more like an excited child. In the best way. And I hope I never really lose it, because I don't see it as clashing with my actual age. Its just having fun and enjoying things in a world you only get to be in once, so I don't care if people think I'm immature.

BUT I would like to do those things in a body I'm comfortable in and I do see T as going through real puberty; that's one of the reasons why I can call myself a boy or a guy but not a man. Maybe when I'm on T, I'll go from feeling like an excited child to feeling child-like excitement.

 

Well put, Connor.

Sometimes I do get this way, almost ashamed of coming off as silly or girly. But I'm a bit eccentric in general so I can get away with it around my family. Around strangers, though - especially back when I was more consciously trying to come off as male - I'd shun those interests and behaviours like the plague. Even when I started on EC, I was so desperate to be perceived as masculine, that I tried to give off that vibe. I didn't even realize I was doing this until a friendly member here told me that I should stop hiding behind a venere and loosen up - just be the genuine me. I haven't forgotten that.

It also helps me to realize that it really doesn't matter if people think something is "girly" or "boyish." I don't agree with gender stereotypes, so why am I letting them dictate my behaviours? They are imaginary boundaries created by society which need to be broken, to be frank.

I do feel like a boy who has not grown up yet, almost exactly like what you described in the original post.

Lastly, something which has helped me so much in terms of being comfortable with myself and my identity is the TV show Doctor Who. The 11th Doctor is this very silly sort of character - a perpetual child despite being immensely old. He wears goofy clothes (like a bowtie and suspenders, with a tweed jacket and a red fez) but doesn't care even when he's made fun of. He just rolls with it, like "Yep, that's me!" He is quirky, granted, but also incredibly mature and intelligent. He eats weird food, does weird things, flaps his hands around when he talks, but for all that it makes him all the more endearing. The Doctor is obviously a fictional character, but the message of being true to oneself is a big theme in the show. For a character as flawed, lonely, and hurting as the Doctor - he finds ways of making his friends smile and puts himself out there sacrificially to save and rescue people.

This has taught me that, honestly, the only thing that matters is being genuine and kind. That doesn't mean telling someone every detail of your life, it just means having the courage to take the mask off when need be. In a gender scenario, this means not being afraid to change (another Doctor Who reference could be made here, but that's a story for another time). It means being vulnerable and brave enough to answer the age old question, "Who are you?" which many people don't answer in their lifetime, but trans-people tend to have to try sooner.

So yeah... I'm just a guy. I like k-pop and everything strawberry flavoured. I obsess over cute boys. I do yoga. I watch sappy anime shows. I dislike sports. I enjoy cooking. These things some people would call girly. But you know what? I don't give a shit.

 

Oh wow, I have been feeling very very alone in this for quite some time. Thank you for bringing this up. I'm 24 years old and yeah, I've felt like a teenager since I was a teenager. I feel so stuck in this adolescent state of mind and that nobody will take me seriously as an adult because I'm such a goof. My brother is 19, almost 20 and sometimes I feel him passing me up on the maturity scale. It's embarrassing but I can't help it. :S

Sometimes I shriek and scream like a child and it can sometimes be taken as "screaming like a little girl"

Still waiting for mental puberty

 

I'm not from this club, I feel pretty old actually. I've never been an excitable person. Unless it comes to things like video games, cartoons, sci fi, riding my bike... so I am a bit of a little boy. I lacked that as a child a bit. I regret. But would I be able to face the truth when I was younger? Would I be tough enough? I doubt.

I recently got to play with a toy car with my dad. And I have a driving licence for some time already. I got play with blocks. I roughhouse with friends. Childish? Maybe. Will I ever stop being this little boy? I hope not, this child aspect, when taken care of, makes me feel happy about this life.

I never thought of Doctor that he is childish, I have always seen him as having a healthy dose of distance to himself. By the way, I'm that kind of wierdo person

I think I never got really stuck, because not being aware has the plus that everything goes under the radar. I had no idea I was a boy.

I feel more as if I was going through puberty a bit later than everybody else, because the first one wasn't truly mine. Romantic relationships feel so much different, so much more real, I truly fall in love, it feels so much more natural. I discovered that I'm bisexual, because I couldn't imagine myself with as woman and as a woman. I finally know how to make friends and began to enjoy parties.

Some two years ago, I suffered so much I couldn't bear it any longer. The force of life was flowing inside me like a wild drum beat, I was constantly imploding, my life wasn't mine. I was a completely blocked human. I was sliding into depression. I was always in standby mode. I suffered. One day, I cried myself to sleep and decided to end it. What did come out? Who was "I"? A need-deprived young male. Completly nuts already, frustrated, sad, desparate, angry, aggressive, and uncivillised, because nobody ever wanted to acknowledge that part of me. Everybody pretended not to see and tried to pressure me into the female mold. I never wanted to be that, but truth isn't always what we want it to be. Hence, I can't relate to the "makes me feel feminine" part. Perhaps I'm just coming from a different end of things. I saw myself as cis female, I wanted to be cis female, and that's the frame of reference I'm taking - and in terms of that, I feel insufficiently female or feminine.

 

I entirely relate to this.

 

I can also relate... In a way. I do feel like I've grown up but it's been in response to the things that I've been through, not because I feel exactly older or even that I associate with going through puberty. In regards to puberty there's sort of a feeling there that I went through the wrong one... There's a stupid feeling also there that I should be going through another (male version) I get what you mean about feeling immature and feminine too. It's gotten pretty alright since I've started associating more with feminine guys and feminine guy behavior rather than associating it with strictly "female" behavior. I think a lot of it's to do maybe with growing up "female" too. It's just behavior I've been encouraged to associate with and gotten used to. There are times like now when I don't feel much dysphoria at all and it does make me confused when the two combine...

 

I always felt older than I was, because I have never been on the same maturity page as my peers. I'm a little sheltered, but can hold my own in a conversation with an adult. Now that I'm fixing to go to college I finally feel like my body is catching up with my mind.

As for looking young, I feel like this will be an advantage when we're 40 or so. I just got lucky with being able to grow sideburns without testosterone.