My gender identity made a big change (for me) over the last few years from girl, to kind of a girl to genderfluid girl to not-really-a-girl genderfluid to now just genderfluid. And I really think this is the truth about myself. I feel like this could have always been true it fits so well. But now I don't know how to think about my past self. Is it "when I was a girl" or "when I thought I was a girl?" I mean, I lived as a girl, I was known as that and identified as that. And so, in terms of things required to "be a girl", I had everything you could ask for. But was it just because I didn't know? Was it denial or ignorance or was it a real thing? And I know that most of it is my decision. It's about how I want to describe my own life. But I don't know how to tell which one I want. What do you think? What is it like for you?
Hi Delta, To answer the "What do you think?" part, I think that when you look back on memories, unless you are specifically trying to recall your feelings about your gender, you should just remember those times for what they were. Example, if you are looking back to when you were 10 years old and learning how to ride a horse for the first time, you probably weren't thinking "Wow, I'm riding a horse!! I'm a girl, and I'm riding a horse!!!". Rather you were probably just thinking "Wow, I'm riding a horse!!!". I could go on with all kinds of examples, but what it boils down to is that you should look back on the memories as moments in your life. So in that regard, I firmly believe that those things were the "real thing". Now again, if you are trying to look back on your memories to remember your earliest thought of questioning your gender, that's different. I don't even know if this is what you were looking for in a response or if I misinterpreted the question all together. But either way, good luck!!!
Nobody asks us as kids what gender we are. Everyone is assumed to be cis and straight for the most part and this is how we are socialised and how we are expected to act. We often never question that - because why would we? Hence, I'd rather support the version that you always were the same gender, you just didn't realise it, had no reason to question and explore. I was very much the same.
I feel like the girl who I used to be died. I've changed a lot especially in the past year and she couldn't handle it. Me when I was younger and me now are two separate people. One is a girl and the other isn't. One is happy and the other wants to disappear. One hums along to her mum's music and the other has his own style. One is homophobic, transphobic and quite judgemental although she'd never say anything and the other wants to date someone of the same sex. I changed but she didn't and we're quite separate.
When I was younger, I very much identified as a boy (I should mention I'm DFAB). I still describe myself as a boy when referring to my younger self (ie. when I was a little boy..) but after a couple shitty relationships I now identify as agender. That's who I am now. But it's really personal preference. I was very close to my male identity as a child. I feel like denying myself that would be both dishonest and dishonoring my childhood. But plenty of people don't have these strong ties, and that's okay too.
I relate to this so much - on the one hand, I definitely started life as a 'little girl' insofar as I took no objections to being raised and referred to as female, but I tend to bristle internally when other people say things like 'when you were a little girl' towards me. It feels so contradictory somehow. When I talk about myself, I never gender my kid self, it's always 'when I was little/[age]'. It helps it not feel so confusing that I started out 'as a girl'. Although I do know that I never was uncomfortable with or corrected people who mistook me for a little boy (which was a regular occurrence because of my fairly short hair, red-and-orange outfits and the plastic crocodile that I would go nowhere without). So I think that despite my comfort with feminine socialisation, that internal neutrality has probably always been there in some form or another.
I knew since I was in third grade that I liked girls, but I didn't understand it, or my gender identity, so I wore skirts and dresses for a long time. In fifth grade I came out to my mom and in sixth grade I started cross-dressing. I totally understand where you're coming from, like "what was I then?"
I sort of split it into childhood and adolescence. When I was a kid I didn't mind being called a girl. I didn't really think about what to call myself or what my gender was and just kind of assumed the adults knew what they were talking about. I have siblings and so for a long time I also defined myself by being a sister-- not necessarily a girl, but as "[sibling]'s sister". So I'm fine talking about those times as 'when I was a little girl'. However, puberty is when I started to have problems and recognize something really wasn't right. At that point I was NOT okay with being referred to as a girl. So for this I usually say 'After I hit puberty', 'When I was in middle school', 'Back in [year]', or things to that effect rather than referring to my gender.
