So I'm rolling with the assumption that I'm gay. I still feel love for my wife. I want to hold her and protect her and take care of her. All those things make me feel good. I love the way she loves me and makes me laugh when I'm feeling depressed. I don't want to lose her. And I dread the idea of hurting her (even more than I've done already). But in order to be gay, I have to create some distance. It seems weird/wrong to try to cut off my loving feelings for her. But those hold me back from pushing forward into gay-land. I'm afraid of being completely alone, and I can only imagine the crushing guilt and regret I'll feel if I push her away. I don't know what to do here. Whenever I think about it I just start sobbing.
I don't think you necessarily have to distance yourself from your wife to have a boyfriend. Have you and your wife considered having an open marriage?
I agree with straight on distancing part. The way you describe your relationship with your wife tells me that possibly there is a lot of mutual understanding and care. Some day she may understand and accept you for being gay. But it is all in your hands and you are in control of when and if you share this part with her. That's a good thing. You can be gay or anything else and still love and be close to your wife because this is a person to person love relationship, friendship and bond. That's just my opinion.
I think you do need to distance yourself. And it appears that being with her makes you feel good in some ways, and you dread losing that. However, it's probably the best thing. I don't know how your wife feels about the whole thing; does she accept the idea that you will never have the marriage she envisioned? I can't imagine how difficult this must be for her. And no matter how bad you think you've hurt her up to this point, distancing yourself from her may help her to see things in perspective as well. You deserve to be happy, and so does she.
I agree with afgirl, your relationship with her is an enabler allowing you to hold yourself back from finding true self. Becoming our true selves can be a scarey prospect, but you clearly want to do it. Time to cut the cord, go through the grieving processes, you will get through it, and truly begin your journey.
I feel for you, I really do. I will just say the fact that you are identifying cutting off the feelings from her as an option (even if it makes you sad) perhaps says a lot about your state of mind and what you want to do. If you don't want to ask her for space or fear her reaction with such a request, the natural thing to do is to want to push her away to get that space for yourself to push forward. And it may be the most honest way to do that, because it is your decision how to move ahead. And there is no judge and jury lording over us and telling us how to do it, or what the "right" way to do it is. We're all out here struggling and trying to fend for ourselves the best way we can. And only you know the history and dynamics, as well as her feelings and yours, and maybe the crushing guilt and regret is not so bad as you imagine on the other side.
Because my wife and I wanted to maintain a friendship, we had a lot to navigate, including breaking part of that bond, while still keeping parts. Tricky to navigate. We had to explicitly take time and not communicate for awhile, which wS tough as hell. It's agony, and I really feel for you nb
Hello Nerdbrain! After months of therapy I'm right at the same point you are basically. I really had to work through the consequences of breaking that bond, creating distance, and the frightening thought of losing her forever. I am moving towards having the talk and I risk losing my closest friend in the world- I will always love her. However, I can't deny the desperate longing to love another man and I certainly no longer want to deny her a chance to be happy/fulfilled. I owe her that much at a minimum. There I times I wish I had made this decision at your age, but with kids there was no way I could do it. I don't want this to come off as pushing you by any means... this is a personal journey no matter what anyone says about "being your true self, etc..." You must consider the consequences of any road you turn down and make that move with purpose and a clear mind. Good luck my friend. I feel for you.
The hardest part isn't the leaving its actually dealing with the aftermath. The emotions and the loneliness that you will go through will be very challenging. Be strong and know that you will get through it. You will have days where you doubt your decision. But do know that life will get better. At some point you will have to distance yourself. I think you already know that. Just do it when you are ready.
Yes, exactly. The aftermath is what I'm dreading. To really cut that cord and experience the loneliness and loss fully. I know this sounds lame but sometimes I want to ask, haven't I suffered enough? Can't one single part of this feel good? The cure (starting life over) seems worse than the disease (living closeted). A lot of people seem to experience joy or excitement when coming out; wish I had a little of that.
We've analyzed and explored this to death. Everything that needs to be said has been conveyed in previous threads or via PM. The time for analysis is over. It's time to act. If you can discipline yourself to be genuinely gay for a year without breaking the bond, then do it. Otherwise you need to break the bond. As for your suffering, it's largely self-created. All emotional pain comes from resistance to what is. Surrender to your reality that you are gay and your pain will go away. Joy will follow after you accept and love yourself as a gay man.
