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Coming out at 35

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mrj2688, Apr 20, 2016.

  1. mrj2688

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    I've known I am gay since I was probably 12. I grew up in a fairly religious family and was always told homosexuality was a sin growing up. My father still believes this. But, I know my mother and sister would be supportive if I told them. I think they suspect anyway. Plus, I really don't care what my dad would think. For some reason, I just can't bring myself to say the words "I'm gay" (except to myself). I think I'm partly embarrassed it's taken this long to acknowledge it. It's strange--even though I've pretty much always know I'm gay, I've basically put on the back burner and just focused on my education and my career. But, all of a sudden it has just hit me that I need to deal with this. I can't sleep and I have constant anxiety. I've never dated. I think I'm a pretty average/good looking guy--I don't know what people think of my non-existent love life. Also, I moved from the mid-west to the deep south and I don't know anyone and am pretty sure there is no real LGBT community in my town. I met a nice guy online, but I got super nervous and just flaked out (which has now made me feel even worse). I just feel broken and isolated and pathetic. I'm worried this is how the rest of my life will go.
     
  2. bingostring

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    So, well done for coming to EC .. and for 'waking up'

    The 'programming' we get as children can set things up for life. Some people never face it. Some face it in their teens and some face it somewhere in between. Don't beat yourself up for leaving it till you are 35. You just have some exciting catching up to do!

    Education and career can often be used as a distraction - so well done for realising there should be more to life than work.

    The most helpful thing you might be able to do is connect with some gay people in your area. Not necessarily in a dating sense. Just as 'kindred spirits' and as a support network. It will be transforming. Hook ups could be for later.

    Use this site also by posting loads... and consider a LGBT therapist to help you manage/ process your thoughts and ease the anxiety?

    (*hug*)
     
  3. Carpe noctem 16

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    I also just accepted the fact that i am attracted to guys and i am 31. I also ignored it bc i was always taught to be a manly man. I can recall a couple of occasions where i caught myself checking out a guy. I would just tell myself wtf im i thinking or doing!!! Just a couple months ago i realized that iam really attracted to guys and girls so i looked for a resource to help me with all this confusion, and i found EC. Im a newbie also but i can tell you that theres people here that probably are in the same position that your are in. I can also tell you that just logging in here and talking about it really helps alot. So hang in there im sure you'll find a way to live a fulfilling life with a great partner.

    Ps: im also scared but im hopeful that things will work out.
     
  4. mrj2688

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    Thanks for the support. I think I've just got to realize this will be a long process and not get too discouraged. Even writing out that post made me feel a little better.
     
  5. Carpe noctem 16

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    Yes,

    I remmber the first week i started talking about my true feelings on here! My hands would shake bc i never ever talked to anyone about them. So it was a big relieve!
     
  6. Domo2016

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    Hey man!
    I can totally relate to the whole putting it on the back burner thing. I was doing exactly the same thing all these years. I'm from Ireland and last year my country had a referendum on same sex marraige and thankfully it passed. The out pouring of support for gay people really helped to bolster my confidence to come out. It feels so hard to get those words out but believe me when I say that once you have one person told you will feel so much more confortable in yourself and telling others will be less of an ordeal. One way or another don't put too much pressure on yourself! Take things at your own pace.

    Best regards
    Gaz
     
    #6 Domo2016, Apr 20, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2016
  7. CapColors

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    You are right that this is a process! The admins here remind us that we will go through the stages of grief as we accept it. I know I have. I'm still stuck in angry/sad myself but many go through the stages quickly as late in lifers, so there's hope it will be relatively fast for you.

    Be forgiving of both your present and past self though! Especially if it takes a while.
     
  8. Underhill

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    Just wanted to thank you for having the courage to post this.

    For what its worth, your situation is not unique, I'm dealing with really similar issues, actually its quite weird how similar. The embarrassment that it took me this long to try to come out (I just hit 40). The inability to definitively say I'm gay, even though deep down I know I really am. Never dating and feeling completely ill prepared for any kind of relationship with another guy. The sleepless nights, anxiety and feeling really down about myself.

    I can't give you any advice, but if its any comfort at least know you're not alone in feeling the way you do. I'm rooting for you!
     
  9. Calf

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    I don't know how it feels to be in the closet at a late age but I am a serious gay ambassador. It doesn't matter how long it took you to get to this point because you can't change that now, so just focus on the present and the opportunity for happiness that you are opening up to.

    For some people it is just those words -I'm gay- that causes the difficulty and not what they mean. Try to forget about them. It isn't natural to just go round blurting out facts about yourself to others so it's no surprise that it's difficult to do. "Hi I'm Tom, I have brown hair and green eyes. I have a birthmark on my behind and I shave my b*lls". Whether it's stating the obvious, inappropriate or just not something you need to share, don't feel you have to.
    Say it any way you like "I prefer guys", "I'm not straight", "I've just been waiting for Mr Perfect to walk into my life". Whatever makes it easier.

    If you're worried about the reaction then again try not to focus on negative what-if's. Most people won't really be bothered, some will think it's great, the rest don't matter. Plenty of people don't like me (nothing to do with my sexuality) but I'm OK with that, I just spend my life with the people that do. There's no difference between someone disliking you for your sexual orientation to disliking you for your political orientation for example but you wouldn't let it stop you voting if someone didn't agree with you.
     
    #9 Calf, Apr 25, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2016
  10. crazydog15

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    I probably don't know you personally, but I will say this: you aren't broken because you came out late. A man (or woman) who comes out later than their teens or early twenties doesn't do it so they can trade one kind of perceived brokenness for another. As long as you are a decent, caring, hardworking person, you weren't ever broken to start with. You are wholly you.

    That's what I believe at least, and if/when I meet someone in real life who's been out as a gay person for their entire life, that's what I will want them to say.
     
  11. mrj2688

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    I was probably being a little melodramatic when I said I felt broken. I really just feel stuck and nervous. I know I need to start being honest with those closest to me, but getting over that hump is so difficult. I know I'll get there at some point.

    I really appreciate the comments here. They do help.
     
  12. Katchoo

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    MrJ, I'm in a pretty similar situation, too. I kind of suspect it will be good for us to talk on here sometimes.

    Curious, what is your stance on the religion stuff now? The internalized shame is still a big thing for me, even though I'm not really subscribing to Christianity.
     
  13. MS001

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    Similar situation here in some respects. Same age. Knew I was gay fairly young. Feel embarrassed for not coming out earlier. Hope you get some good advice from the site.
     
  14. guitar

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    I put my sexuality on the back burner for years and buried myself in sports, academics, music, playing in a band... Anything to keep myself from facing the fact that I was gay. After attempting to date girls for probably 6-7 years I finally had to face facts it wasn't working and I could no longer ignore who I was.

    I couldn't help but feel like a liar for keeping up the pretense of being straight but over several years of connecting with gay friends, seeing how out and proud people live, and explaining to friends and family members WHY I stayed closeted and was do confused for so long, people started coming over my side when I came out to them. It's never too late to come out and/or come to terms with your sexuality.
     
  15. Justasking100

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    Guitar - by putting your sexuality in the back burner, did you just totally ignore it or were you allowing yourself fantasies about it?
     
  16. mrj2688

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    Katchoo--I've been an atheist for years now. I'm not sure whether the anti-gay religious stuff from when I was a kid has contributed to my current issues. I'm sure it has to a certain extent. The childhood bullying certainly didn't help either. But, I think my bigger problem is being open about myself. When it comes to my feelings and personal life, I have really shut myself off from my friends and family. I always deflect questions and change the subject. Just the idea of talking about any of this stuff with anyone close to me makes me nervous.
     
  17. mrj2688

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    I came out to my mom and sister tonight. As expected, it went extremely well. I so wish I could've done this years ago, but I'm really going to try not to dwell on regrets. I'm just going to keep moving forward.
     
  18. Katchoo

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    Wow! Yay! Great Job!!

    (!):stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:frowning2:!):stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:frowning2:!)
     
  19. CapColors

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    GO YOU!!!!! Great job.
     
  20. Calf

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    Good news. How has it impacted your anxiety? great that you're looking forward instead of dwelling on what can't be changed.