I know what I want.

This idea to come home on my own was a brilliant one on my husband's part. It has helped me already in clearing my head. I don't know exactly how to say this, but it's just like the truth of what I want is so obvious to me now.

If you haven't read any of my posts, just a bit of background - I have been feeling unsure about how being queer impacts my marriage, and it had come down to possibly separating and possibly having an open marriage.

Now I'm starting to feel more clearly what it is I want and need to have a fulfilling life. Now it's a matter of talking to my husband about this when I get home and seeing how he feels about all of it.

The first truth - I want to move home, or more realistically within 6 hours or so from home. No matter what happens between me and my husband, I think that will create a loving network of support for us and my daughter. We will not be able to do that until about a year from now. And that's fine because I love where we live now, so much. But I think that we need to be back home when my daughter starts school.
I know this doesn't sound related to my orientation and my identity, but it is. I realise that I want the comfort of home and family while I navigate things with my husband and with my identity. It feels like everything here just makes a little more sense.

And the next truth - I want to do a 2 year trial open marriage, at that point we decide how to go forward - continue the same way? adjust the parameters of the open marriage? Separate? The reason for the 2 years is, one year in our current city, one year in my hometown.

If he doesn't want the open marriage, then I want a trial separation, starting when we can move out of the country (for logistical reasons). And in the time leading up to that, I'll do what I can to explore my queer identity, and during separation, definitely explore the things I want to explore about myself. And of course a trial separation leads to divorce or reconciling.

What I want (whether in an open marriage or while separated) looks like this - I immerse myself in my queer life. I get to live out my identity, I get to explore my feelings for women. An open marriage to me has to mean that I am true to my queer identity and I continue to grow in that queer identity. But I want it to be mutually beneficial for my husband. He has already shared some things about himself he's only now recognising. So I believe that the open marriage can be a growth experience for both of us.

I have 3 areas that have made me question my marriage with my husband.

1 - does our marriage work, ie could we good partners? For the majority of our relationship, the answer was no. That was always true, but it became most apparent after my daughter was born. But my husband has made some really big changes. And I believe if we maintain the routines and habits we've started adopting, we could work very well as partners.

2 - am I gay? Well, what I know is that I'm very queer. Am I gay? maybe. I can only learn that through experience with women. There's a very very real chance that by being with women, I might realise I need to be in a partnership with a woman. But I may be satisfied with a loving, patient man as my husband and partner and meaningful FWB relationships with women. I can only learn that by exploring. The open marriage is the best way to do that. I have been worrying about how that could hurt my husband, but I realise now, all I can do is say exactly what I want and let him draw his own lines. I can suggest ways to make it mutually beneficial, but I can't speak for his happiness.

3 - is my heart in the marriage? The answer right now is - no. But I think it could be if the partnership remains strong, and if I find that my queer identity is honored and supported and satisfied (again I won't know without experience whether it can be, but I won't know without trying). And so if my heart is in it, I may find that I have warmth and happiness with my husband. I may find the opposite, that I need a woman as my partner, but from there I can make that decision.

After being here just a couple of days, I realise that these answers were there the whole time, but all the pressures of trying to be everything for my daughter and husband, it has made it hard for me to think about myself. But I realise now what my needs are, and how I can demand and fight for my happiness.

The last truth is - my husband and I were talking about a second kid for a while before I came out. And of course, the truth is I can't have a second kid until I know for certain that all of these things are sorted. I knew that already anyway, but I am accepting that fact a little better now.

So, here it is. I know what I want and I feel like the crazy chaos and swirl of emotions are slowing and subsiding to let in reason and clarity.

What I want, really is to finally be me. And that's what I'm going to do. If it can happen in the marriage I have, great. If it can't, I have to move on. And I feel like it all makes sense now.

 

Thanks everyone!!

Fish Eye - I still didn't get a chance to have the talk with my Dad. He just got home yesterday and we only had a short time to hang out. I'll update when I do it.

 

Don't be sorry, you love playing devil's advocate .

In all seriousness, I appreciate the devils advocate approach, it's helpful to question my own perspective. And I understand your thinking on this because of some of my emotionally turbulent posts, but this post is not coming from the same emotional place. I have been feeling more calm lately. In the last week or so, I've been more relaxed emotionally. That's not to say I've figured everything out. I just feel like I'm looking at things more reasonably.

I do have just a general question for you- do you think you're operating on a bias here, that perhaps you think the only way to be queer is by leaving your straight marriage? If so, I'm not of the same opinion. And in my specific case, I think it's possible that I can be fulfilled in more than one type of arrangement. I don't know yet. And let's say you were me, if you didn't yet know, how would *you* discover that? Once you break up the marriage, it's over.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 11:56 AM ----------

Most of my previous posts are more about *not* knowing what I want. I tend to say I'm leaning in one direction or another, or that my instincts make me think xyz.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 11:59 AM ----------

Well sure, I can know that I want one thing at this stage, yet not know at this stage what I want in terms of another thing. I don't see a contradiction here.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:00 PM ----------

I'm not sure what that ^^ means. What "something else" did I say I want?

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:02 PM ----------

Fair point, and it may not be realistic, but it is what I want. Perhaps my husband will say f* off, no way. But it doesn't change that it's what I want. I do think though that a shorter time might be a more reasonable ask, and if that's that my husband pushes me to decide, I'll have that conversation.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:08 PM ----------

Yes, it is selfish. At this point, everything I want and need to do to be fulfilled is selfish. The only non-selfish thing I can do is just swallow my feelings and forget about being queer. But I'm not going to do that. The same argument could be made that it is selfish to split from my husband without at least trying the open marriage to see if it could work.

You do realise that, right? Any of us on here who actually will or have made any progress in being true to themselves has to be selfish in some capacity, and that makes me feel like shit, but I basically have to choose at this point which form of selfishness I feel comfortable. It's selfish to cheat, but sometimes people do it to figure out how they feel about their orientation or to fulfill themselves while married to a draughty spouse. Getting up abruptly and saying "I'm leaving" is selfish, but sometimes it's the only way to move forward. Trying an open marriage with the hopes that it might work but knowing you might leave anyway, is selfish, but it may provide fulfilment and save the marriage.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:11 PM ----------

He shouldn't, not if he doesn't want to. That's up to him to draw his own lines. And, in the context of open marriage, what real risks are you referring to?

In terms of my husband, it may not be his favourite option but it's starting to seem like an option he may be comfortable with. He doesn't want me to leave him until I've really thought things through. He also is becoming more comfortable and even interested in the open marriage arrangement. And I think he'd rather I give us a shot in some form rather than having me bail right now. Given all of that, I think it's not necessarily as self-centred as you may see it. I want this time to figure things out, and he wants things to end only if absolutely necessary after careful thought. So in that sense it's the option that might suit us best.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:13 PM ----------

I can only determine what I need through experience. I have no experience with women. What I need might be satisfied within an open marriage or may not be, it's only by gaining experience with women that I can learn that.

I'm already doing all I can do to gain experience as it is, this week will be my first chance to go out at night and try to meet women.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:17 PM ----------

I think there are 2 fallacies here: you seem to categorise only one thing as a valuable risk - separating from your spouse and leaving the marriage. Open marriage is a risk, going out and meeting women is a risk, coming out is a risk, being open in front of strangers about your orientation is a a risk, meeting women online is a risk. I'm taking all such risks (well except the open marriage, that hasn't happened yet).

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:18 PM ----------

The other fallacy is in terms of getting where I need to be - how do you know where I need to be? I'm still figuring that out.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:20 PM ----------

I take issue with this comment and others that give the idea that posting these things is somehow harmful or counterproductive. Even posts that come from an emotional, moody, angsty place are not harmful or counterproductive in my opinion. Can you explain why you think they are?

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 12:22 PM ----------

I don't yet know the final result, how can I?

 

There is a big difference in my opinion in being L or G and staying married and being B or T and married. Your advice to me is always spot on when I look at it from the perspective of "if I am indeed L, I think OTH is right", but I'm still in a point where I think I might be B.

So, that being said, I don't believe at this pount that staying married is wrong for me. I think it might be, but I think it might not be, and I will only know once I know more about what being queer means to me, ie do my needs align more with being L/G or B?

Granted, I think you are likely operating under the assumption that I'm a lesbian in denial. And I don't blame you for having that assumption. I am struggling right now to figure out just exactly what my needs are, and once I understand them fully, I will be able to say that I need a woman as a partner, or I feel satisfied with a man as long as I have an outlet to also fulfill my needs to connect and be intimate with women.

I understand your point, and this is why I've always been very hesitant about open marriage with my husband. My thoughts were, what if I really decide to leave in the end. But two things have changed my views on that. One, my husband really sincerely wants to exhaust all options before I leave, and if it benefits me as well as him for me to do that, then I see no reason not to try. Second, the more my husband gives in terms of being a good partner, the more I think that open marriage may be sustainable. It won't work if I know I need a woman as my partner, but that can't be learned without being with women.

I do think though that maybe the time frame is a bit much. I see your point as far as that goes.

---------- Post added 20th Apr 2016 at 01:59 AM ----------

I think that this all predicates on the belief that I'm gay and that I need to be with a woman as a partner. I agree with your point here if that's a known truth.

But I'm not sure that's my true self. I only know at this point that I need to be able to build meaningful connections with women and to be intimate with women. What if being me means being bisexual? Then this arrangement is very much aligned with my true self.

I'm still in a stage of discovering my true self. So it's not realistic to say that my decisions don't reflect my true self if they allow me to discover that.

 

Also, regarding a discreet affair - I don't know if i can pull off an affair. On some level i think that's the kindest option for my husband, but the risk of being discovered is really high - first that would hurt him much more than an open marriage, second some have said it could impact custody arrangements, though I haven't researched that. Also, I'm a mom to a three year old. Everywhere I go requires arranging my husband to watch her and those times are not easily carved out. It's still a thought I have but I'm not sure it's the most prudent option

---------- Post added 20th Apr 2016 at 02:12 AM ----------

Of course this is a question I'm asking myself, you can't answer that for me. And I'm not even asking myself, I'm doing things to help me figure it out.

It does matter to me where I fall on the spectrum, if I'm bi, I don't see a reason to think I can't be married to a man.

---------- Post added 20th Apr 2016 at 02:14 AM ----------

Also, what Im saying about your opinions on my sexuality is that your responses are spot on if the premise is that I'm a lesbian.

---------- Post added 20th Apr 2016 at 02:16 AM ----------

Ah just to note - I add a question mark for rhetorical questions sometimes.

 

No, I know I'm not straight, that's something I know for sure.

But I do think that the abuse has created all kinds of confusion for me, but mostly shame and insecurity. The decisions and paths I've taken as a result of that shame and insecurity really muddies the path and makes it hard for me to see my experiences in my past clearly.

I do certainly feel a big trepidation at risking the security my marriage brings for my child.

I do think going back to therapy will help. When I go back home, I think I need to make that a priority,

 

Sorry for making it seem that way - that wasn't my meaning at all. I'm not saying being bi equates to being poly, I'm saying being bi means that my needs do not necessarily include leaving my husband.

Where I'm coming from is this - I need to have a meaningful connection with a woman. I know this now. But I'm not sure if this need is coming from me being gay; or me being bi and having had no experience with a woman.

So if I stay with my husband, I still need that experience(s) with a woman.

I'm trying to learn exactly what I need in terms of my feelings for women. It comes down to is being in an open relationship enough, or is this something more akin to needing a woman as a life partner.