1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Small Town Issues

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by afgirl, Apr 17, 2016.

  1. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    I am not at all ashamed of being seen with my girlfriend. I am very proud of her, and this relationship that we are building. However, last night tested me a little bit. We had gone to BWW for some food and drinks, and at some point I realize there are people I know there. Not people I really KNOW, but people that I've dealt with in the community. Ironically, one girl is the sister of one of my daughter's best friends and the mom once tried to set me up with her father at a get together. Yeah, that did not happen.

    Anyway, my fear of being "outed" in the community is based on my daughter, who is not taking the news of this relationship very well. And, to a point she's right....this would cause us both to be looked at differently. Look at my location, add to it that we are in a rural community and you've got a good idea, I'm sure.

    I'm reflecting on what, if anything, was noticed. Like I've said, we are such that it's pretty obvious that we're a couple. I feel like such an ass for worrying about this, but I really don't want my daughter to suffer any of the narrow-mindedness that we live in.
     
  2. LoveMeLez

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2016
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Virginia
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am also from a very very small town in WV. Most of the people here do not accept people that are gay. Thats the biggest reason I have not came out to a lot of people but those that are close to me. I also have children and worry about how they would be looked at or treated because of my sexuality. I have yet to tell them that I like women. So, I def feel where you are coming from. Its not easy.
     
  3. Birdie145

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2015
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hi, im aware of this feeling too. Got grown up kids, 1 knows I've a previously had a relationship with a woman, the other doesn't know. My parents and particularly 1 sibling are very homophobic - impossible not to be aware of their views, especially Dad.

    I've been to some group meetings & have been surprised at how much I've enjoyed them, how at ease although nervous too I've felt. I find myself really looking forward to the next meeting.

    But, it has run through my head that at some point someone I know is going to see me because of the area we meet in. I've only told 1 friend, I worry I'm going to be outed before I feel "ready". But the fear of the fallout from family doesn't (and shouldn't) stop me wanting to attend.

    Would you be able to talk to your daughter, kind of get in there first , it's taking some of your own power back instead of waiting like a sitting duck.
     
  4. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    No, it's not easy. If it were just me, it wouldn't be a big deal. I am glad that my gf completely understands, but I know it's still hard for her because she's not used to this. I have come further in this process than I ever imagined. I just think everything would be easier if we lived in a more urban, liberal area.

    Both of my children know about my relationship. My daughter found some texts on my phone and point blank asked me; I wasn't about to lie. She didn't take it well and basically we do not discuss the situation. She is very much afraid that this will get out and I have assured her that it's not my intention to do that. She is in high school, so I suppose I'd be embarrassing no matter what. It's more that she is afraid of what people will think. My son is in college and he took it better. I think he attributes this to a phase or some sort of mid-life crisis, but he is not angry with me.

    My concern is more or less people giving her a hard time about it.
     
  5. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    If it wasn't being gay, people would find something else to pigeonhole you into. Don't be apologetic about what is totally normal for straight couples.

    It would help to expand your support network so you don't feel you (and your family) are alone. Going to some group meeting would be a good choice. Being involved with some type of volunteer activity is another way of taking control of the message. It's hard to vilify someone who is making a positive contribution to the community.
     
  6. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    It's easier said than done. I live in a very rural community. Eventually I do plan to leave but not until my daughter graduates, which will be awhile. This is the kind of place where you very rarely see interracial couples of the opposite sex. It's a little like stepping back in time about 25 years or so.
     
  7. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    How's your daughter's self confidence? I wonder if she's not generally confident that this might be contributing to her worries about what people might say.

    I'm not downplaying your environment because you know it better than I do but I honestly believe if you've got self confidence, you have a much easier time of facing what might otherwise might be embarrassing situations. If you are sure of yourself, anything other people say has less of an impact on you emotionally.

    Does she do any activities that can help build her confidence? I'm thinking something with a clear sense of achievement.

    Just a thought.
     
  8. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    She's actually a very confident girl. She plays basketball, and she's on the Honor Roll. She has friends and is always doing something. The thing is, she has never had to share me with anyone else. I've really haven't been in a serious relationship since she was about three years old, and she's never really liked me dating anyone.

    This is just in the heart of the Bible belt, and she's been raised up in the church as far back as she can remember. As a matter of fact, today she told her friend that I was living in sin, and her friend said, "Well, we all live in sin." and she responds, "Not like my momma."

    They're jabs at me, I know. She is so angry and we're working on that in counseling.
     
  9. Mystic flower

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2015
    Messages:
    239
    Likes Received:
    74
    Location:
    Nunavut
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Coming from an isolated, very homophobic community, I know how exhausting it can be. My mother is what I call a toxic homophobic, and not being to come out to her has been hard. I have tried to pray away my sexuality and can tell you it does not work like that. I grew up going to church, and now both my parents are lay readers at church. . . so, yeah, I will pretty much be an outcast, shunned daughter if I come out to my mother.
    I don't know how my three boys would take it, I don't want to come out to them until my mother knows. I am not sure if my oldest knows anything, pretty sure the other two don't know. It is not easy.
     
  10. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    It's strange to me, because I actually come from a very large melting pot kind of city, but relocated here because of work years ago. I know what it should be like, and maybe that makes it more difficult.

    Hugs and prayers to you. I just never thought I could tell my kids, and yes I know it has caused some damage and we're working on that, but I do feel better that I'm not keeping a secret from them. Whatever else happens, I'll deal with it as it comes.

    Hugs and prayers to you. It sounds like a very difficult position. I hope you are wrong, but I understand the mentality. Please keep us posted.