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Guys I'm terrified of coming out to my Dad

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Apr 17, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    I don't know why this is so scary to me, I don't know what I think will happen. But I'm really scared to come out to my Dad. I just got home yesterday to my home town, and I plan sometime in the next two weeks to come out (my whole family knows except my Dad and stepmom, I came out to everyone else like 6-7 months ago).

    And a side question, come out as what? I don't want to say bi, but I'm still not st the point where gay feels like the right term. I like queer, but how do I describe that to my Dad? I don't know how to frame what it means for my life either, because I'm still not quite sure myself. I'm not sure what it means for my marriage yet mainly. I know what it means for my identity. I don't want to go into my need to explore with women, but of course I know what that means to me.


    I realised something this morning - I made a choice when I was 21/22 ish. it wasn't as subconscious as I've been thinking. I started opening up this memory when I was chatting with a friend of mine, I told her that when I was around that age I started coming out to people. And in that process I remember thinking "what if I brought a woman home some day?" And I chickened out of the whole thing, understanding my identity and really asking the hard questions, exploring that more bravely. I didn't give up on it fully but I got way more sheepish and self-conscious about it. That prospect of bringing a woman to my family really made me feel like I couldn't do it, couldn't be me in that way. And I was at the time already in a relationship with a guy, a serious relationship. It was easy to let it slip under the radar and push the thoughts away.

    But I realised this morning just how conscious that particular point of denial was. I remember everything, talking to my brother about it. And he seemed unsure how serious I was. He talked about it a bit with me, but it was clear he wasn't sure whether I was screwing with him or not. It's because of the way I brought it up, not very confidently and almost with a question mark at the end of it. We were at a wedding for one of my stepbrothers, and the thought occurred to me. Me, a hypothetical girl I fell in love with, introducing her to my family. And it was the thought of my Dad specifically in that moment, that gave me pause. And I remember thinking, how could I ever bring home a woman?

    I was thinking now of sharing that story with my Dad, as a sort of context for everything.

    The thing is, I now believe my Dad will be supportive. But I still have this utter terror, I guess in some level line what if he thinks of me differently, doesn't love me the same, thinks I'm "making a mistake" or something, I don't know.

    Guys help me out, can you help me find some courage?

    *side note, my Dad's out of town until Monday, so I haven't seen him yet. I want to take time alone at some point with him to talk about this... Not sure exactly when.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Apr 17, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2016
  2. afgirl

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    Well, having not done this, I don't know that I'm the best person to answer, but I'm sure you'll have a plethora of responses, so I'll throw mine in as well. BTW, I am really not close to my parents and haven't seen them for several years. If I had the opportunity to tell them, I don't think it would be that difficult given the circumstances, as it is what it is. There is nothing that can change this. My difficult task was telling my son, and I did that only after my daughter had come across some texts and it all just sort of blew up. Yes, I was scared. My son is 22, so a grown man. He didn't really believe it. I still don't think he does, but he told me he loves me and accepts me and nothing is going to change that. I suspect that is a similar response based on what you've written about your dad. And...you will feel so much relief when it's done, I think. You will feel incredibly accomplished, mainly because it IS a big accomplishment. I don't think it will change the way he sees you, although I know that is a big concern in general. What does your gut tell you? Well, then go with it.

    I think the story is a great idea, because it shows a history and this is not some frivolous thought that entered your brain. It will probably help him comprehend the situation better.

    You know, it has only been recently that I'm starting to accept that I really am bisexual and this is not based on just really liking this person and being straight otherwise. I've reflected a lot, and I can now admit that this has been part of me for a long time. I think that just this attraction to just the right person "triggered" it. She's the whole package, so when we got close, it was just overwhelming. I am so glad I was brave and let it happen, too.

    I see you as brave, too. I think you have an excellent plan and I look forward to reading your follow-up thread on how this all goes for you.
     
  3. CapColors

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    I came out to my Dad over Christmas break and it was great. One thing you have to remember is that older people have outdated ideas about sexuality sometimes. They might not even know that queer has been reclaimed, for example. I would be careful to be as specific as possible, like "I'm romantically attracted to women and have been for a while."

    Since you are now certain that this will affect your marriage, you COULD suggest that "[Husbands name] and I are working to figure out what this means for our marriage."

    Or you could skip that and just say, "I wanted you to know because your knowing me is something I value. I love you, Dad."

    ---------- Post added 17th Apr 2016 at 01:54 PM ----------

    Also not to sound heartless but it's entirely possible people you love will react poorly! You can't control that very much at all. There is no magic way to do it that will guarantee a good response. It is merely to be lived through. You have to go in with the understanding that he may love you less, that it could be a disaster. But you know your dad and you can guess more or less how it will go.
     
  4. Fish Eye

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    I can understand and relate to the situation there. I was terrified myself when I have to come out with my folks and it wasn't an easy process for me. For me, I would bring a another family member or a friend that's really close to me to be a moral support. Usually that works. I'm sure your father would be more proud and supportive of you coming out to him. So you just have to be confident and not be scared of what you need to tell him. Hope this helps and wish you the best of luck coming out to your father.
     
  5. Lindsey23

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    Hi Baristajedi,

    Have you read many of the posts in the section for friends and family? It can be brutal... Even the best parents seem to go through a period of sadness when their kids come out. Just be aware of that, your dad may be supportive but he also may need some time to adjust.

    I came out to my parents as bi when I was 15. My parents had gay friends and my mom in particular was vocal about supporting gay rights. She completely flipped out when I came out. I never imagined she would react that way. I had never been in a relationship with a girl and my parents used that against me, saying I couldn't know I was bi without having had sex with a girl. Just be prepared for inappropriate comments or questions and try to have answers ready. Be clear on your boundaries...it's ok to say, "That question makes me feel uncomfortable." Don't apologize if he tries to make you feel bad. Don't let him push you around. If he asks why you're telling him this say it's because you want to be close to him and open and honest. How can anyone get mad at that?

    For me I went back in the closet after a few years and haven't spoken to my parents about it since. There are so many regrets... I do think though that if I didn't let them get to me and had just lived my life the way I wanted to, they probably would have come around at some point. I hope it goes well for you but if it doesn't your dad will probably get over it eventually. It seems that many parents accept it after a period of mourning. Stay strong and you will be alright.
     
  6. Katchoo

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    Hmm. Interesting that Cap says to be as specific as possible. Because I've been only-half-joking pondering coming out with the line, "You know I'm not straight, right?" I'm also struggling with labels. I feel like I'm bi-ish, but that implies a 50/50 split that is just not true. To me, talking to my ignorant of labels, ruralfamily, I feel like "not straight" will give them about the right impression..... Maybe that's part of it, which label will make them imagine something close to true, even if it's not, like, technically exactly the way you would identify in a women's studies class.

    ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2016 at 04:07 AM ----------

    Oh, and go listen to "Brave" by Sara Bareilles on loop. :slight_smile:
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Thanks for all of the encouragement and insight. As always, you guys are amazing :slight_smile:.

    Afgirl -

    Thanks for sharing your story, I can imagine how hard it was for you to come out to your kids. And I remember reading your story in another post. I know it was not under the most ideal circumstances, because you didn't come out in your own time/your own way.

    I appreciate what you say about how your son responded, and how you feel about it.

    My gut tells me that it might be uncomfortable but my Dad will be loving overall. And even if he wouldn't be, I'd still want to own this truth. My Dad and I have gone through a lot, we started out strong when I was growing up, had some rough patches, but came back to being super close. I believe he wouldn't want that to change as much as I wouldn't.

    Thanks for your encouraging words. I don't feel brave right at this moment, but I'm going to try to summon all the courage I can for this.


    Cap -

    Thanks for sharing your story too, and I like your suggestion about how to describe it to my Dad. And I know you're right that my Dad (or any loved one) could react poorly. I'm already mentally prepared for my stepmom to react poorly (not horribly, but not in the best way), she may not, she may surprise me, but that's what I expect. As for my Dad, it may not be the best. But I'm really hoping we can maintain our good relationship. You're right though that I have to be prepared for it. I feel like I need to do this for myself, that it will help me grow, so I'm going to do it whether I expect the reaction is good or bad.

    That gives me a good perspective to consider, that I need to come prepared with responses to things he may say.

    Fish Eye -

    Thanks for your insight. For some reason I feel more comfortable doing this on my own with my Dad, but in a similar line of thinking, I'm planning on doing this with my Dad only and not with my stepmom present. Coming out to my Dad means my stepmom will also know, but I don't want her reactions to get in the way of the conversation with my Dad, and our personal way of responding to each other. So, similarly, I am planning on making the environment more supportive.
    Did everything go ok for you and your parents?

    Lindsey -

    Thank you for this. I think it's good that you are giving me the negative perspective, I want to be prepared mentally and verbally to handle it.

    All of your insight and suggestions are really helpful for me to consider how to deal with the possible negative reactions. I think when I was 21-22, I wouldn't have dealt well with negative reactions. Now I think I can hadle it, I just really prefer it to be positive of course.

    Katchoo -

    Thanks for your thoughts on how to word things. I think I might start out with your way of phrasing, then bring it into the more specifics like Cap suggests. I'm going to write everything out and write it out again, and then just let it happen naturally when I'm with my Dad. Maybe we'll get a beer or something when we have this conversation, liquid courage!

    And I'm listening to Brave right now. Great song, love this.
     
  8. Sigtu12034

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    If you have a supportive dad and you are ready to come out, why wouldn't you. If you're not ready, then why not wait. You don't have to bring a girl home, you can just meet her in other places. If i were you? Id just say it and get all thw weight of my shoulders (that is only if your dad is accepting) and no more worries or panicking.
    GOOD LUCK :icon_wink
     
  9. baristajedi

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    Thank you! I'm ready, and I'm going to do it. I'm mostly posting this to have s place to express my fear. I'm too old and too married to bring a girl home at this point, I was just sharing what I was thinking about 16 years ago when I first thought of coming out. At this stage coming out is emotionsl for different reasons than it was at 21 or 22. it comes down to the same basic fears but my life is very different now than when I was in my early 20s.