At a lonely point in my life.

I also find it hard to make meaningful friendship most of the time. I do have a few close friends that I try my best to stay in touch with (we are all in different places) but that's about it. I feel most people are not willing or comfortable to get past the polite small talk stage, therefore making it very hard for me to really know or bond with them.

It is also difficult to maintain friendship when we get older and become more focused on building our own life, family, etc. It makes me a little bitter to think that one day most of my friends will probably be happily married with kids and will only call to wish me happy holidays Hopefully by then I will have my very own canine family to comfort me

 

I am at this point right now. I have a wife and friends, but I don't feel like any of them are with me. I think I am looking for more in my life. I use to have no friends, and I would sit alone on my computer talking to online people, and that was lonely. Now I am an adult and I have friends and family, but I still feel lonely.

 

DaniLM, I am actually still in school for my phd program. I hope to graduate in a year or so (keeping fingers crossed). Graduate school right now does feel like working though because I don't take classes any more and most graduate students seem to be in their own little bubbles.

To answer your question, I did meet all my close friends through school (mostly when I was doing my masters program not in my current university). One was my roommate and all the others were classmates. We try to talk on the phone at least once every few weeks and we email too but it is definitely challenging with everyone busy.

 

Hey friendships can be tough to form. Why is it you feel you don't connect? Do you feel like you don't have things in common or you don't feel comfortable with them or they just don't get you or what?

Can I ask, how long have you been out? Are you out to your friends?

 

Yeah I understand. I recently lost a good friend due to a falling out but honestly, with time, that hole in your heart does get filled with new people. Better people. People who will accept you and love you as you are.

 

I'm the same to be honest with you. I have friends of course, but they're kind of like a little bit distant from me. Like, not always texting me or asking to hang out and stuff. There's one friend I'm really lucky to have cos we're so similar and have been friends for years, so I always have her. There's my boyfriend also who is the same story.

I feel like it's a vicious cycle, I'm defensive around people cos I don't want to feel rejected or come on too strong so I hold back, and then it comes across as stand-offish. Once you come across as that I find it's difficult to break that perception.

I definitely feel like my friendships are lacking in something. I think it's a problem connecting to people but it just doesn't always happen to me and it sucks. I'm trying my best to change it though.

 

DaniLM, my friends are still in this country but everyone is pursuing a different career path after graduation (different graduate schools or working in other cities). I am majoring in electrical engineering btw.

In general, if I try to keep a long distance (or even short distance) friendship, I can be very pushy at first. I will call/text my friends instead of waiting for them to make the first move. However, if there is a consistent lack of effort or interest from them, then I guess it is just time to move on. I am no expert though since I can count my good friends with one hand lol

 

I find it hard to relate to people in my real life so I dont have many people I actually talk to aside from family. Most of the people I have made friendships with are online and even then its not the same. I find it hard to get really close because Im afraid of being hurt and have trust issues from many failed friendships and being abandoned. Here if you ever need to talk.

 

I don't think I have experienced it to the extent you are feeling it as in I haven't felt it with all off my friends at once but I do think I've had the same feeling with a friend here or there. I think it happens to almost everyone from time to time, it's not always anyone's fault, people just drift apart. You say you are guilty of not contacting them as well but if you don't feel you are getting what you need out of the friendship then it's understandable you don't always contact them.
Perhaps you could try and make some new friends, do you have any hobbies or could you join a club or something?

Someone once showed me this piece of writing and I really think it's true and it helped me when I felt like I had lost friends and couldn't understand why.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.


When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 

I've been there a few times. Sometimes things just feel stale and a bit depressing and blah. It sucks, but it passes. Usually when I'm feeling like that, it's a sign that I need to make some changes in my life and shake things up a bit.

 

DaniLM, unfortunately (or fortunately?) my work takes up most of my time so I am still occupied even when I am rather friendless. What is your situation like?

My town is very much a college town and it is full of really young (okay I am old lol) people. There is not much to do other than grabbing food and getting drunk. I don't drive so it is even more limited. My university does have a lot of social clubs but I don't know any graduate students who are very involved, or maybe it is just me? Hmm...

 

DaniLM, I actually did a search on my university's website and there are more than 1000 student organizations at my university.... we have more than 20,000 students so I guess it makes sense. Other than the cultural clubs/associations and the Greek letter organizations, most have to do with some type of hobby. The ones I am familiar with include the ballroom dancing club, the salsa club, the origami club and the running club.

It is good to be able to take a break from school if you feel you need it. Your work place sounds friendly so that's a plus. Do you think you will go back to school at some point? Also any plan for what you want to do for a living in the future?

PS: I do have my weekly fun activity. I volunteer at the local spca and I get to spend 2-3 hours of quality time with the pups every Saturday. So many ear scratches and belly rubs!(!)

 

DaniLM, when I was at a different university in another city I took some dancing classes offered by its ballroom club members and it was actually a lot of fun. However we always had a group of nerdy engineers going at the same time so it was not intimidating at all. I went to my current university's salsa night once and it was fun too but very intimidating. Most people were young and super dolled up so yeah.... I guess if you want to join the more relaxing social clubs, try something that's for all ages. Young people are scary (to me)! :badgrin:

You seem to have a lot of plans regarding school and work. Good for you! Graphic design sounds cool too. Are you more interested in designing static images or animations? As for me, nope I don't and I am really torn between trying for academia and industry but we will see...

My spca buddies are mostly old ladies. No kidding. Most of them are retired teachers or other local residents but we do have a few college kids too. Everyone seems cool and very relaxed and non-judgmental. It makes sense though since volunteers for animal-related nonprofits are generally very open-minded.