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Straight (?) Colleague - An Update

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Empire135, Apr 16, 2016.

  1. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi all,

    Thought I'd give you guys an update on the situation with this guy (see original post here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/204499-straight-colleague.html)

    So about 6 weeks ago, we were at a Friday company drinks thing at a bar after work. The guy and I were talking quite a bit throughout the evening, bantering back and forth, teasing each other a bit. He remarked on my accent again, saying to the group that he often is just about to be 'reeled in' by my accent, but then then realises that I'm 'just a dick'. In fact, the two of us were talking with a third colleague at one stage, and she remarked that we seemed to have a 'love-hate' thing going on - to which the guy, let's call him W, replied 'I think it's a love thing'. Obviously joking, but still.

    Things got pretty messy, and W and I were completely wasted. A group of us (including W) went to another bar. Aside from the things detailed just above, we weren't really flirting with each other or anything.

    This where my memory starts to fade to black, as I was so drunk. I have a very, very vague memory of asking him why he had asked me about my sexuality at the Xmas party, and suggesting that he had asked because he himself was not completely straight. TBH, I had been planning to ask him about this since the Xmas party, at the first drunken opportunity. I'm pretty sure he neither confirmed nor denied it, just laughed. I think I offered him the opportunity to talk about it sometime, should he want to. Again, very hazy.

    When I woke up the next day, the first thing that entered my head was a memory of kissing him the night before. I remembered sitting with him, just the two of us, in a booth, pressing him on his sexuality again. He was laughing. I asked him what guys he liked. He leaned in and said in my ear, 'I think you are really good-looking'. I responded by giving him a few kisses on the cheek, and then a proper kiss on the mouth. I remember it being incredible, so soft, but short. And I have literally no memory after that, apart from waking up in the back of a cab outside my house (alone).

    In the morning, I initially felt guilty about maybe having pressured him, outed him. But then that passed, because it wasn't really like that. I was in a really good mood because of the kiss. I could swear I could still smell his cologne, or certainly remember the smell of it. But after a few hours, I was hit by the sudden notion that maybe I had dreamt it (both the kiss, and the sexuality conversation). I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I do that though - I even had similar thoughts after the Xmas party conversation, which clearly did happen.

    Cut to work on Monday, and before I saw W, I was talking to another colleague, who had been in the bar too. We were talking about the party, and he happened to mention in passing that he had seen W and I talking in the exact booth where I thought we kissed, so that kinda relaxed my mind about it, that I probably hadn't dreamt it. I have literally no other memory of being in that booth apart from the kiss. And TBH, I was so wasted that I have virtually no other memories at all, but it would make sense to remember the kiss, since I really like this guy.

    We literally did not speak for the next 2 weeks. In fact, we barely even looked at each other. We had another company drinks thing in that time (we occasionally do some work, I promise) at which I was hoping to talk to him a bit. I arrived late, and he left about half an hour after I arrived. I know he saw me arrive, and he left when I was in bathroom. This was weird, because I had previously heard him say that he wanted to get wasted at this particular event - although that was before the kiss. Another colleague said that W had left to go on a ****** date (with a woman). Although his best friend at work (a drop-dead gorgeous woman who definitely likes him, and with whom everyone thinks he has something going on - more on that below), said that she text him asking where he had gone, and he replied that he had just gone home. Don't know which was the case, but he has previously been described as the '****** king' - he has literally no problem picking up women.

    About 2 weeks later in work, he came stand by my desk for a brief chit-chat with me (he was in a bad mood about a presentation he had just given), but I couldn't really talk as I was busy. Then later that day, I was building up the courage to go to his desk and talk to him, and just as I was preparing to get up, he came over to me and sat down beside me, just for a chat, which he had never done before. The guy who sits beside me had just left his desk, so W sat there; it felt like he was watching for him to go before coming over.

    The next week, I had to arrange a meeting with him for something (just the two of us). When I asked him, he was super awkward (like messing with his phone instead of looking at me), but he agreed. I actually was just gonna forget about it and not organise the meeting, but then the day before it was meant to happen, just as I was about to leave the office, he emailed me asking if I still wanted to do it. I said 'yeah, sorry I forgot, but yeah' and we kinda started bantering with each other over email. I could see and hear him laughing during this. The meeting itself was fine, started off bit awkwardly, staring into our laptops instead of looking at each other, but then we eased up. We only did a bit of work, and chatted for most of it. He said he was glad I organised it, because it meant he could have a bit of free time during the day. We emailed one of our other colleagues with a prank (long story). I then left for home, and realised I hadn't thanked him for the meeting (he was helping me with a presentation), so I emailed him thanking him. He emailed back literally within a minute, calling me a 'big softie', and updating me on our friend’s response to the prank. But I didn't reply, just left it.

    I didn't want to add him on Facebook, because I thought it might look a bit stalker-ish. But then one night last week, he sent me a FB friend request at around midnight. I know he was out that night and that he was completely wasted - he told me as much a few days later (completely out of the blue). Not sure if he feels a bit self-conscious about adding me or not, but it seemed like he wanted me to know he was drunk when he did it.

    About the gorgeous girl I mentioned above. I'm not sure what is going on there. They are definitely flirty with each other. They are also both moving to another one of our offices soon - she definitely likes him, and decided to move after he made the decision. I see them instant messaging each other throughout the day, laughing and looking for each other's reaction. Sometimes, it looks like he times it so that they leave at the same time - although to be fair, I think he has done this with me a few times too. Thing is, she was out with us the night I think W and I kissed. At one stage, she actually unbuttoned his shirt in the bar as a joke. What I find weird though, is that any straight guy who had this beautiful woman unbutton their shirt would be thinking 'this is a sure thing', and pursue it. But W seemed to be just interested in drinking more that night. I don't really know.

    Anyway, I just thought I'd let you guys know what had happened in the interim. I've been thinking about messaging him on FB (I have yet to think of an opening gambit, but I'll get there). Any advice you guys you have would be so welcome.

    Cheers.
     
  2. Euler

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    So how would you describe your relationship now? Are you friends or just friendly colleagues? In either case I think the best course of action would be to be as honest with him as possible before you develop any stronger friendship or feelings for him. It's possible you guys kissed but I wouldn't rule out the dream possibility either. In any case, don't have any serious conversation drunk.

    Now that you are FB friends you can stalk his interests see if you have anything in common that you could use as an excuse to invite him to do something together or to just to strike up a conversation.
     
  3. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi Euler,

    Thanks for reply, much appreciated.

    I agree, we really should proceed on a booze-free path, but to be honest, we're both quite guarded in work, so it is was the only way anything would have been initiated.

    Re: the kiss - I am pretty certain it did happen, supported by the fact that I was able to remember his words, touch, smell, the fact that we were seen talking together alone in that exact spot at that time (of which I have no other memory apart from the kiss), and the circumstances/events up until that point (including me wanting to bring up the subject of sexuality). Put it this way - had I had the same quality of memory of kissing someone else that night, I wouldn't be doubting that it happened. It's the fact that I actually like W that's really causing me to self-doubt.

    We are definitely on the track to becoming friends; we get on really well, especially when left to our own devices. We're very different people with different interests, but that's actually one of the sources of fun in our friendship. I'm not the type of person to only be friends with people who have similar interests, more guided by personality and approach to life, and W seems to be the same.

    Thanks again.
     
  4. R M

    R M
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    wooo exciting story lol. I hope he's into you
     
  5. CharacterStudy

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    Ooh this is a nice update!

    Right, you know when people advise loosening up with a bit of alcohol? You're not actually supposed to get so pissed you can't remember what happened. A couple of drinks, maybe act/pretend like you've had a few more, but you need to remain in control. Or this happens. (I know that next-day dreamlike feeling, then you can't remember if someone has actually come out to you or you're imagining it! Awkward to resolve. My memory has always been correct though.)

    You guys seem to drink a lot. Finance industry?

    Anyway. Sounds to me like he's flirting, even without the maybe-kiss. It seems to me that you haven't given that much indication of your interest, whilst he has made some of the possible moves. Have you told him that you are 'not 100% straight'? Because from your account it sounds like you avoided that when you spoke. Is your sexuality clear or hinted on FB so he could see that as I am sure he's checking it out.

    Those 2 weeks post probable-kiss. Imagine if he remembers the kiss and thinks you don't, awkward, or that you regret it and want to pretend it didn't happen. Because ignoring him for 2 weeks makes it look like that. How is he to know you can't remember if you actually kissed him. And if nothing happened then messaging him or arranging a lunch break with him is still fine.

    What next? If you need to arrange another meeting with him, maybe arrange it (if poss) for the end of the working day and follow the meeting request up with a suggestion you go for a drink after... Once you're there and if all is going well, say you're hungry, stretch it into a meal. Or if another meeting doesn't make sense, come up with something work related you need advice on, and ask to meet for a drink after work to discuss. Oh, and don't drink much at all.

    Are you prepared to come out to him? If so you could maybe ask his opinion on whether it would be wise to come out in your org, as he has more experience there. You could mention your previous company was less traditional. That might lead to him opening up more too. I think you definitely need to get him on his own though.

    Careful what you do/say on internal IM though as some corporations watch that and if they ever decide they want rid of you can dig back and look for evidence you weren't working etc.

    Good luck and keep us posted. Sounds quite promising to me.
     
  6. cakepiecookie

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    So wait - do you know whether you kissed him, or do you still think it might have been a dream?

    It sounds pretty obvious to me that he likes you. Why are you playing so hard to get? Flirt back and see where it takes you.
     
  7. cakepiecookie

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    ...wait, sorry, just saw your previous reply about the kiss!
     
  8. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi all,

    I so appreciate the responses, cheers.

    Yes, I work in finance in London - well-spotted! Booze goes with the territory, I suppose.

    In terms of playing hard-to-get, it genuinely stems from being hurt so, so many times. Eventually, you learn to shut things down. Counter-productive, I know, but much easier than the pain of rejection. When I was younger, I had a habit of going after straight guys, since they were all I knew. Disastrous. That allowed me to pretty much ignore W, until I felt a spark between us.

    Sometimes I feel utterly convinced that there is a connection between us, and other times, he barely acknowledges my existence, so I think it's all in my head. But I do know from our mutual friends that he is seriously mercurial, so I suppose it is not out of character. Which makes him even hotter. <sigh>
     
  9. Sek

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    Hey Empire135,

    You bring a baiting story, I was hooked reading your update through pure interest. You tell a good story. :thumbsup:

    I'd be curious to call attention to what you are interested in pursuing with W? Future drunken promiscuous rendezvous sound a possibility if the infamous kiss did happen (which I think we're assuming it has now). As for something more, well you'd have to give future updates and a greater profile of W before I could fairly give my opinion about his relationship material-ness.

    Going forward the only advice I can lend you is to try and keep that open, approachable dynamic between the two of you. I know it's easy to burn emotional bridges to keep yourself protected, but you've got to do your best to keep the door open for him. As per the recommendations of my previous posters, keep the alcohol to a sensible level in the future! Enough to loosen your inhibitions but not lose your senses.

    Would love to hear more of your story as it develops, I'll be keeping an eye. :icon_wink

    All the best.
    SEK :thumbsup:
     
  10. cakepiecookie

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    If you guys kissed, it's safe to say he's interested. You're overthinking it. Of course he's running hot and cold with you - he wants you, but he's not sure how you feel so he's swinging between flirting and acting like you don't exist. That's what people do when they're not sure where they stand. Of course, none of this is to say that he necessarily wants a serious relationship with you, but at minimum I think it's clear that he finds you attractive.

    Can you find an excuse to talk to him/hang out with him a bit?
     
  11. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi all,

    Many thanks for the responses.

    In terms of what I want with W: I would love a relationship, but he is moving thousands of miles away in a few months, so it seems a bit pointless.

    That said, there is a strong possibility that I might get moved to the same location early next year, so...I dunno.

    I would love to be the uber-confident guy who can stride right up to the object of his affection, and take rejection on the chin, should that be the outcome - but I'm not. I'd sooner die.

    Hopefully I'll engineer some time alone for us in the next few months, but I know it will simply have to involve alcohol, since we communicate so sparsely without it. And I know that sounds pathetic and dysfunctional, but that's the way it is; very little of our true selves are conveyed to each other when sober.

    Argh.
     
  12. cakepiecookie

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    Alcohol has been used as a social lubricant for thousands of years for good reason. :wink:

    Good luck with it! The plus side of him moving away is that if anything awkward happens, you won't have to see him again, or at least not for a few months. Might as well go for it. :thumbsup:
     
  13. resu

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    Hmm, after reading some of the recent stuff, I almost wonder if he kind of likes the attention (and probably knows women fawn over him) but may be bisexual and is conflicted about his own feelings.

    Why don't you try to find some event (like a concert) or activity you can do with him (sober) and then go out for drinks afterward?
     
  14. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi guys,

    Thanks for replying.

    Yeah, I had actually considered that this may be an attention-seeking thing is on his part, but I now don't really think that's the case.

    Firstly, he's not the kind of guy to mess with people like that (he's actually a really nice guy, otherwise I wouldn't like him). Secondly, apart from kissing him, I haven't really given him much more attention than any of the other guys (also if he is attention-baiting, he is running pretty far with it if he is willing to kiss! lol). And finally, it doesn't really fit with his behaviour; he often seems jittery/nervous/awkward around me, so there certainly doesn't feel like a power imbalance between us.

    Anyway, we have a team dinner tonight. I actually don't think I can make it, but on the off-chance that I do, I'll keep you guys posted.

    Cheers
     
  15. cakepiecookie

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    I hope you can go! Good luck. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Euler

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    Have you stalked his FB page yet? Do you guys have anyhting in common that you could use as pretext to do something besides drinking? Like playing soccer or like model airplanes etc.

    The thing is that if he is interested you he is clearly too shy to make a move so you will have to be the one to make it if you don't want to get stuck. And I don't mean some confession of love but just give a push so that you could become friends outside work as well. If inviting him alone is too anxious for you why don't you invite some other colleagues as well as aprons?
     
  17. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi all,

    Thanks for the responses, appreciate it.

    I didn't make it to the team dinner, but did make it to the drinks afterwards, where I learned that W had not gone to the dinner either. I was on annual leave that day, so I have no idea why he didn't go, but it was pretty much just he and I who didn't make it.

    This week not much happened between us at all. TBH, he is engaged in heavy-duty flirting with the pretty girl, which is kinda hurtful to watch. I see them talk on the internal IM system every day, giggling at each other's comments. They hang out at each other's desk a lot, go to lunch together, and I'm almost certain they also text each other during the day, despite sitting opposite each other. So they are obviously saying things that cannot be said on a work IT system. He hasn't really even looked much in my direction. It kinda makes me sad to even write about it. Ah well.

    What was weird about him not attending the dinner, though, is that the pretty girl had organised it. Don't know why he didn't go.

    Yesterday (Friday), towards the end of the day when things were quietening down, he did randomly come over to my desk and sit beside me. He had been hanging around my desk for a little beforehand, but I didn't even look at him, just busied myself with work. He sat at the desk next to me (the guy who normally sits there had gone home for the day), and started talking nonsense, asking things like, 'Who sits at this desk?', even though the same person has sat at that desk for the entire time he has worked there (and joined the company the same day as him). I wasn't really in the mood for talking to him after seeing all the flirting, so I didn't really engage him, and he soon wandered back to the girl.

    I'm pretty confused by the whole thing at this point.
     
  18. Euler

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    You need to figure out what is it that you want. Suppose he his straight but he just does a bit weird stuff. Would you lose your interest in him in all ways? I mean would you like him to be your friend or rather forget about him if he wasn't into you in a gay way?

    It's much easier to offer advice when you know yourself what you want.
     
  19. Empire135

    Empire135 Guest

    Hi Euler,

    Thanks for your reply.

    You're right; I do need to figure out what I want. On the face of it, I would like to be with him, but I guess my reticence to act is underpinned by crippling fear of rejection, and also the fact he is moving away. Another kiss would be great, he's such a good kisser!

    Please also ignore the forlorn tone of my previous post - I was hungover, and life always seems terrible then. Good god I must sound like such an alcoholic, but I'm not.

    Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!
     
  20. Euler

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    Then it sounds like you have two distinct issues: your insecurity and fear of rejection as one while the other is the fact that he is moving away. For the insecurity part you should work on that on its own right. Based on what you have told me I would guess you work in an investment bank which would suggest you probably have the money to talk to a therapist or a psychologist.

    If you are happy being just friends with him then I would say you should attempt to become friends outside work too and perhaps not give too much attention to the prospect of getting together. It might be also easier to come out to him once you know him on a more personal level and then his response would give indication to if it's worth to proceed in any direction.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2016 at 11:42 PM ----------

    PS: I had to google "forlorn". Where did you get that word?