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Seeking advice ii

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by father76, Apr 13, 2016.

  1. father76

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    Hi guys, this is part 2 of my situation. to brief you guys who have not read my first thread, which the complete version is on this same group but way down the line...lol under SEEKING ADVICE:
    I married my partner last may (2015) and in august and September my ex-wife found out I had gotten married and told my kids and my parents (all of my immediate family actually) now she has turned my kids against me and she tried to turn my family against me but she failed, but she didn't fail with my kids. Yes I did cheat on her with a guy so maybe that has a lot to do with it. but this was 10 years ago, we have been divorced for 5, so we tried to work things out for 5 years, but since it didn't we got a divorce. well now my kids don't want to talk to me they don't want to be with me, and the only reason they come out and have dinner with me is because I use the divorce decree, and before they found out they were ok with me, more than ok.

    This is what I have done, this is part 2, and some of you gave me this idea:
    I asked them (trying to put my self in their shoes) what is it that is really bothering them, I have done nothing wrong, or illegal, and I got married way after I divorced their mother. and they told me that they felt betrayed the felt, that they were a cover up, they felt that they didn't mean anything to me. They felt that they were just a prize because of me and my ex fighting over them, which I was already in the process of taking the witch to court.

    So I wrote them a letter to each one of my 3 kids, the 2 oldest ones I did go into depth because they are 16 and 14, my youngest I just wrote to her that I missed her and to look in her heart and how much i love her, because she is 8 and she will follow the oldest. On the letter (to the 2 oldest) I wrote to them that I was very sorry for making them feel betrayed and making them feel like a prize that I will win at the end. I told them that I even canceled the attorney, for us to go about all of this a different way a better way. that I love them very much that since the day that they were born to this very moment they meant the world to me. That I didn't tell them sooner about sexuality because I didn't know how to tell them (since I am not good with words in person) I didn't want them to get hurt, and that many times I tried to tell them but chickened out. but that if we could move forward that I am still the same person they knew even before they knew I was gay before I was married to my partner. I told them I know that its not going to be done over night but that we could get started on fixing this.... but I haven't heard a response, I even asked them if they read the letter and they said yes and I asked them if they had any questions they just said no, so I just told them if they ever did that I would be there. This last time not this past Saturday but the last one, they did act slightly better towards me, it wasn't a complete cold shoulder, their responses were full sentences but I guess I want things to rush and I shouldn't, its just that I feel like I have my hands tied and I cant do anything and my ex-wife is just bad-mouthing me left and right since they do live with her. I wish I could just slap the crap out of her because I know that she is still trying to get them to be mean to me.

    Any other suggestions that you guys may have, I would really appreciate it.

    Sorry its so long...

    Thank you very much guys.
     
  2. MS001

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    Wait, back up there. Are you saying you got MARRIED and didn't tell your CHILDREN? Or your FAMILY?

    How would you feel if one of your kids eloped and didn't tell you and then you heard about it months later from another family member? Would that hurt you? I can't imagine if one of my parents did that. I would be so filled with hurt I don't know what I would do. You, my dear, have a lot of work to do to build the trust back into your relationship with your kids and family. Yes, cheating on your wife and coming out as gay do play significant roles in this, but seriously, you left your kids and family out of a huge life event and didnt even tell them yourself that you had done it. That would make me feel like my parent did not value the role I played in their life.

    ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 06:03 PM ----------

    I just read your original thread. This is why living a double life does not work. It is hard for me to understand how on one hand you are far enough along in accepting your sexuality to get married, but on the other hand can't come out to your own children. Can you see how your children children would be hurt and confused by this? You hid a huge part of your life. Did they never go visit you at your house so they never met your partner? Do they know that your partner has a nephew who is like a son to him that lives with you? Do you see how unfair your children would think that is when they find that out? Have you even said the words "I'm gay" to them? Normally, people get to take their time with this and do it when they're ready, but they also don't make a lifetime commitment before coming out of the closet to their family. You know what you need to do. For your kid's sake. You need to open up to them if you want them to trust you and want to have a relationship with you.

    ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 06:14 PM ----------

    I realize what I said maybe kind of confusing. You are the adult and you have to initiate the conversation about your letters and coming out. You need to tell them out loud that you are gay and talk to them about it even if they are reluctant to. They are kids. They're not going to spill any of their feelings to their dad, especially a dad who has hurt them so much, without some prodding and some open and honest feeings from you out loud.
     
  3. father76

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    MS001, I completely understand where you are coming from and yes you are absolutely right I shouldn't have hid this from my kids or my family. But please understand this, which i didn't include this in this post, my family as well as my ex-wife and children go to the same church, which is an extremely homophobic church, the church wouldn't even let me near the front door. So it was really hard for me to open up like that to them, I am not saying that you are wrong because you are absolutely right but how could I have told them when they have this homophobic belief, I was afraid of this exact thing. My family do not accept my husband at all what so ever, and not because we eloped sort of speak, but because I am gay, we don't even talk about it and when I kind of try to they change the subject. Another thing that you are right about is that I have to get my kids trust again, I just don't know how to do that or how to start.
     
    #3 father76, Apr 13, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  4. MS001

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    Oh, yeah, that is a tough situation. First you start to build up trust by talking to them.

    Is the church even less tolerant than love the sinner hate the sin kind of a church?

    While your kids might be having a rough go at it right now, all you can do is keep your side of the street clean (be open and loving to them and not lie) and hope for the best. I mean there are so many variables...if there are gay kids at school, if they are allowed to watch tv shows with gay characters, etc etc. I don't know how sheltered a kid can be in Houston, but I'm guessing those hateful waters can run pretty deep. The thing is, especially for your teens, there are a lot of avenues where they can get exposed to gay people that can help them come around. Avenues that you don't know about. You know what I mean? I mean we were all teenagers once who had the lives our family knew about and the parts of our lives the family didn't know about. So there is a lot of reason to be hopeful that there might be external influences helping you out. But for now I wish you the best in opening up to your kids.
     
  5. afgirl

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    My ex has gotten married twice in the past several years. Yes, I said that right. He told the kids after the fact on both of them, and it really hurt them. They don't have much to do with him, and he doesn't have much to do with them. It's very sad, because I know they both want him to be a part of their life, but they're so hurt I don't know when or if either can fully trust him again.

    How does your spouse feel about being kept a secret? I know I would want someone to be proud of me, proud to have me in their life, and I would imagine that it would cause some resentment.

    I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I think if I were you I would have to find some way to merge my two lives together. No, it's probably not going to be easy, but I think it's something that needs to be done, particularly in order to keep and maintain a relationship with your children, as well as your spouse.

    I wish you well in this endeavor.
     
  6. CameronBayArea

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    The letters were a good start and, in fact, you did get a positive response from them: your kids actually spoke to you in full sentences!

    That said...letters are words, and words are a nice beginning, but acting (in good faith) is what builds trust and strengthen relationships.

    Once you do as you promised in the letters, the kids should warm up a bit more. At that point, the focus might be off you and on them. Generally speaking, kids are very focused on themselves so if you take a sincere and consistent interest in whatever they're doing and whatever they want to talk about, they'll see that you really do care about them.

    Winning back trust is definitely not an overnight process. It takes time and progress is likely to be halting and incremental. The key thing is that you're headed in the right direction and you stay that way.
     
  7. father76

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    Let me see here the church is like you need to stop what you are doing and repent, what you are doing is a sin punishable by eternity in hell, they excommunicate you for a year as punishment if you want to continue being a member, to see if God has mercy on you, if something happens to you and you die within that year you go to hell. I say this because I used to go to that church and that is what happened to me. I mean its not just being gay its any "sin" you commit. Like my ex since she remarried with someone not a member of the church so she is living in sin, according to them, so if she would to confess they would excommunicate her for a year. I really don't care as long as he treats my kids right.

    Yea in the letter I told them that there will be no secrets between us. Like my husband and I want to adopt a child but we are just thinking about it, its not written in stone, but I told my husband that I would have to talk to my kids about it before we start anything since I told them I would not keep anything from them.

    Thanks for your advice.

    ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2016 at 09:29 AM ----------

    you are right I know if my mom or dad would have done what I did whether it be same sex or opposite I would be upset, but like I told I was afraid that they would do what they were doing now and I would lose them, not thinking that I was actually doing wrong.

    my spouse was ok in keeping it a secret, as he didn't want our marriage to affect my relationship with my kids not knowing either that it actually did even though my ex-wife is just fueling the fire.

    I cant merge my lives right now I want to make things right with my kids, but I will do it later on in the near future.

    thanks for your advice.

    ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2016 at 09:33 AM ----------

    Thanks Cameron, I will most certainly try my best to keep my promise, I just keep thinking that my ex is trying really hard to get them to resent me as much as possible.

    Thanks for the advice.
     
  8. SWburbchgo

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    The real shame here is that your ex is using the kids as a bargaining chip against you. I think your kids will come around you just have to reassure them that you are the same dad as you were before they found out. Yes you could have approached it differently but there are no rule books as to how to go about something like this. Constant reassuring that you were the same dad that helped them with their homework, went to sports practices and even church events and your love for them has not diminished but has grown. What you can't do is beat yourself up about it. It's done and would your kids want you to be happy or continue to live a lie which could have had some disastrous outcomes or endings. It will take time but I think as they continue to mature they will rather have a dad that is happy and content. It shines through.
    My kids have said how genuinely happy I am after what they perceived as constant crabbiness. The truth was that I was dying on the inside living a lie. Good luck my friend.
     
  9. amomwhoknows

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    Any mention of adoption will further the feelings of abandonment that your children likely suffer from now. You need family counseling and a lot of healing before adding a child, in my opinion. If you want a relationship with your kids, you have to build it back one brick at a time.
     
  10. father76

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    Thank you SWburchgo, I try my best to tell them how much I love them and they mean to me. i'll just continue. thank you for the kind words. I will continue to be there for them.
     
  11. father76

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    amomwhoknows, thank you for your reply, and I think you are right I was just telling my husband the same thing that we should wait on adoption until I can somewhat fix my relationship with my kids, although my oldest said that why don't I have more kids so that I can force this on them, but I think she said it out of anger.

    as you say I have to build the relationship with them brick by brick, but every time I try to "start putting bricks up" my ex-wife just knocks every thing down again. I need to do something that will wow them, that can get their attention. but nothing comes to mind, everything I do is clouded by their mother :icon_sad: