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What would make you feel like you've embraced your identity?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Apr 13, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    For me, when I started coming out of the closet, I thought that what I really needed to embrace my identity was to come out to my loved ones and to become comfortable with saying that I'm queer, and not censor myself.

    Since then, the goalposts keep moving and I find that there are many things I need to do to feel comfortable in who I am. I wonder when I'll get to the point where I will say - I am content with myself and comfortable in my queer identity. I suspect that I will feel that way once I have decided what I'm going to do about my marriage and gone through the changes in that area; and once I start to feel comfortable in expressing my feelings for women, and comfortable being intimate with a woman. But maybe I will have new goalposts at that point, I can't be sure.

    Where do you think you need to be to feel like you have embraced who you are?
     
  2. dirtyshirt84

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    Good question!

    I think for me I need to feel like I am never lying, that I don't have to censor what I am saying, and if being attracted to woman or a same sex relationship or experience is relevant to the conversation I will bring it up without thinking about it -then I will have embraced who I am.

    Perhaps the ultimate goal is for sexuality not to be such a big deal anymore, for it to be one part of who you are and something you express naturally without careful consideration (like a straight person does I guess!).
     
  3. HerrinDesFeuers

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    I never really understand what people mean by "embracing" one's identity. Guess that means I have embraced it from the beginning? I don't know.
     
  4. baristajedi

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    These are great goals, and these are things I find important too. Do you feel like your goalposts are often changing?

    ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 10:33 AM ----------

    Have you ever been ashamed of your identity? If not, high-five, I admire you and your confidence :thumbsup:

    When I say embrace, it's because I know I haven't ever fully embraced mine. Until recently I was in denial about being queer. I guess I thought that no longer denying it would be the key to embracing who I am, but I realise now it's only the beginning. I still have a long way to go. Until I feel I can be me without shame and insecurity, I don't think I can say I've gotten to where I want to be.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Oh and I meant to also say in my original post, one thing I find hard in this process is accepting my limitations but keep moving forward. My limitations as s married parent basically make this a slow process. So many logistical things get in the way, like scheduling a night out, just as an example. I have to trust that little steps with lots of time in between are good, but sometimes it's maddening :bang:
     
  6. HerrinDesFeuers

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    No, never. I don't know why I should be. Maybe I was too young to think about things like that when I realized that I'm not straight.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    You certainly shouldn't be. And it's great that you never have been.

    ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 12:00 PM ----------

    But I would add that many of us were young when we started figuring out our identities but various circumstances have led to many of us feeling shame. We're all on our own paths.
     
  8. dirtyshirt84

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  9. brians34

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    barista, I find your posts most enlightening. The reason I say that is because you and I are going through almost the same battles. I got married with the thought that being with a woman, I would develop sexual desire and the gay feelings would lessen or disappear. Have 1 child.

    Now to answer you question, for me, I haven't begun to come out other than to myself and my therapist. My wife has been told, but I don't think she has fully embraced it/understood it don't know how to describe it here.

    I never knew how much I could really fall for someone, I have never truly crushed on anyone up until a couple months ago. This crush became such a huge part of me, I was ready right then to throw my arms up and announce my feelings, but in my head, I knew I had to work on other things before I can "come out". I have to work on getting my cards in order, make sure everything will be at least to a minimum of life disruption financially.

    I so badly want to get out there and find someone that I have this aching inside that wants to come out.

    So my beat around the bush answer is, I need to be on my own first, I believe now that I'm already accepting of the fact.

    As I was writing this, I got a call from my wife and she was asking me if I was ever able to write to another member of this forum that had come out and has stayed married to his wife to ask him questions. I told her that I had read in another post a few days ago that he and his wife had split a couple months ago. She said well that's not going to happen to us. I told her that even if it did happen, I was always going to be there for her and that I had always had a depression that she could have so much more than I could offer her. I told her she would have to talk with her counselor, but her counselor is going to tell her (or at least should) what I've been telling her, that these feelings aren't going to just disappear. I don't know what else I can tell her, but she is very sure that we are going to stay together and I'm very sure we're not.
     
  10. MS001

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    I have. I have been making gay friends, I go to gay events, I'm involved in projects in the gay community. I force myself to do things that I am uncomfortable with like read gay books in public or talking about same sex relationships in places like restaurants where I could be overheard by strangers. I'm just like, why shouldn't I own it?
     
  11. afgirl

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    This is a very good question, and it sort of haunts me because I just feel like I'm never going to get where I need to be. At least not here. I think maybe the older you are, the more difficult this is? I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I grew up in a household afraid of doing anything that would not seem acceptable. Now I wonder if I repressed all this all these years.

    What will make me own it? Probably being able to be authentically 100% me. To answer without giving thought of any censorship to my sexual identity. For the first time, I feel like I'm being honest with myself. Now the challenge is to be honest with everyone else. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I know my ultimate happiness depends on how I work though this situation, which is unlike many on here, one that I had never really realized even existed.
     
    #11 afgirl, Apr 13, 2016
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  12. CapColors

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    I want to embrace CHICKS haha.

    No but for real I have also experienced the goal post moving thing. It's maddening because I keep thinking "ok this is enough" and I'm not sure what WILL be enough.
     
    #12 CapColors, Apr 13, 2016
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  13. yeehaw

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    Maybe this is one of those things where it's a never ending process rather than a final goal? I have no idea. The things I want to do next are 1) be able to talk openly about this IN THERAPY (ugh, I keep avoiding it like the plague there and find myself in CRAZY LAND of massive anxiety and depression STILL NOT TALKING ABOUT IT), 2) I freaking want to date women, 3) I want to not be hiding this at work. Hmm. It's kind of good to see what I want next written out.
     
  14. Justasking100

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    I think it's about getting comfortable with it internally. Embracing yourself first. For me that's still early days and I'm battling depression alongside it plus the guilt of what I've put loved ones through. It's been a big upheaval for all. Plus throw in the why didn't I did this sooner I could have saved a lot of depression and problems had I been braver sooner.

    ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2016 at 12:10 AM ----------

    I've now told quite a few people who have shown nothing but support but only I can walk the path to happiness.
     
  15. Katchoo

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    I'm not sure what would be there if I embraced my identity, but I think I know some things that wouldn't be. I wouldn't be so afraid of what people think or say about my sexuality because I would feel good within myself. I think I would feel comfortable being open with the people who are important to me and settled with not caring/feeling neutral about people I don't know. Right now there's a lot of thought about who do I tell, who do I not, why, how quickly, and I want to in control and like I'm being true to myself about the people I do AND don't tell, that I'm not telling people I don't want to, that I am telling people I do, that it doesn't have to be the only thing....

    I really hope that I can date and maybe find a healthy long term relationship. I feel like I've been stifled up to now in my life in terms of even feeling capable of finding love, a partner, maybe a family. Maybe I don't have to be stifled forever?

    I hope that I can feel chill enough about myself that not everything feels so increadibly heavy and hard. Please don't read this as scary suicidal, but I've had lots of tiems where I felt so tired under the weight of sexuality and hiding that I thought it would be easier to not live than to live. Just too hard. I think embracing my identity would mean that I want to keep my identity and my life, not think it would be easier/better if the power just went out on the whole thing.

    Sorry that's kind of rambly. I need more coffee. Catch you later.
     
  16. WanderingMind

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    Like you, I find the goal posts move in terms of self-acceptance. I also find that I have good days and *truly awful* days, and sometimes in a single day, I experience both!

    Recently, I took a few days away from home on my own in a different city. I stayed in a b&b that promoted itself as "LGBT friendly". My time there didn't entail actually doing anything differently, just allowing myself to let feelings in... be me. I shed a LOT of tears, but I also experienced many moments of peace and joy.

    I've also opened myself up to loving more than one person. This has been a much more complex way to embrace who I am, because it involves not just myself, but three others. My husband, the woman I love, and her partner. It's an intricate dance of emotion and communication. It's also a wonderful way to embrace who I am.

    The last piece of this puzzle I've tried to put in place is therapy, but so far, it hasn't worked out. I'm going to keep trying, because one of the things I've realized is that I can't bring *all* of me to my relationships if I haven't fully accepted myself, and acceptance remains a major struggle for me.

    I expect that once I've fully embraced who I am, my status quo will be consistent with those feelings of peace and joy I get from time to time. I think I'll find it easy to acknowledge my bisexuality both internally and externally; not to announce it to the entire world, but not to fear it, either. And, I will love a man and a woman, and know this is a sacred and wonderful thing.
     
    #16 WanderingMind, Apr 14, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2016
  17. angeluscrzy

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    For me, I think I can fully embrace things once I have my first relationship with a guy. I have pretty much reached peace of mind in acknowledging that I do find certain guys attractive, and based on a teenage crush on straight friend, I know it is possible for me to have romantic feelings for a guy. However, there is still this small part that wonders if I've over romanticized it all, and if there will be any emotional backlash in trying to one day pursue something intimate.
    On the bright side, I'm so shy, and almost afraid of people that it will probably all just remain in my head anyway.

    ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2016 at 12:09 PM ----------

    For me, I think I can fully embrace things once I have my first relationship with a guy. I have pretty much reached peace of mind in acknowledging that I do find certain guys attractive, and based on a teenage crush on straight friend, I know it is possible for me to have romantic feelings for a guy. However, there is still this small part that wonders if I've over romanticized it all, and if there will be any emotional backlash in trying to one day pursue something intimate.
    On the bright side, I'm so shy, and almost afraid of people that it will probably all just remain in my head anyway.
     
  18. Highlander2

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    For me, it's been the complete acceptance of myself as gay, that I can look at guys in the street and feel no shame for turning my head, giving eye contact, smiling, and generally feeling totally relaxed and confident. Kissing my (ex) bf in the street goodbye in the morning felt liberating, and strangely despite feeling a sense of guilt and shame for many years before coming out at the age of 40, I feel like I am the complete person I should always have been now. Being gay is part of me, no actually it is just me. I am a guy who happens to like guys and accepting that and embracing it has meant I feel completely at ease with myself and I've no problem talking about it to others whether asked or it's raised in conversation.
     
  19. baristajedi

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    #19 baristajedi, Apr 14, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2016