Has been a rough time; found out that my mom has cancer, and I'm also struggling to hold my job, and missing a lot of work due to being deeply depressed. So my mom had a radical hysterectomy about a month ago, then, they found cancer had spread to some lymph nodes, and this is a rare, aggressive type, from what I'm told, And here I am, too poor and unable to even go up to Michigan, and be with her, and feeling ashamed, and like such a total, worthless failure in life. And I'm also flat broke, own no car, no home, and have no savings...and, I am 48. I have horrible credit, and need to spend at least $1,000 to fix my eyes, if I hope to get my licence back, after that accident, about one year ago...and though I've looked for a closer job, with no car, it's almost impossible, and there's no way I could afford to live down in or by DC, 'cause of how expensive rgat city is...and stuck up, cold and snooty. I'm not a big DC fan. ~ Last weekend, we went to a furry con, and had so much fun, and now, I'm crashing, hard. It's not often we can afford to go anywhere, so even down to VA was an extravagance. But in just a few days, and I'm feeling so totally down and burned out as for my job...I think after almost 10 years, I can no longer get any comfort out of saying, "It's just for now, you'll find a meaningful job that pays OK someday", and feeling how drained all that commuting has been, and is, all the time it has stolen from my life, and continues to steal...if not for the health benefits, I'd be gone, but I couldn't afford healthcare and my mate would lose his...so I feel stuck, yet like something is gonna break...and I hope it's not me, but I feel less and less emotionally stable, the longer I have these long days lacking either chances for advancement, meaning or simply the time and energy to follow my dreams. This damn commute is FIVE HOURS A DAY. With a car, it was about 2.5 hours a day, but my chances of getting a car are about as close to winning the Lotto. The problem is that I'm so exhausted, that trying to 'do something new' has been all but impossible, and also, just the sheer lack of time I have. I think, too, that being gay does play a part in this: Had I not had fears about things like teaching and being able to be out in certain fields, I may have looked into them, and taken that path. But 10 to 20 years back, I was out and all, but still, often scared, and looking back, I think it did hold me back, keep me from trying certain things in life. I fear my remaining years safe going by way too fast...wish I knew how to change gears, I feel really stuck, helpless, and like death is way, way too close, now. And I feel like I have skills that nobody wants or needs...I tried looking at technical writing, but am horrible with computers and giving instructions, so I dunno as a writer, where there's any real 'market' for what I do best. That, and with my vision issues, I get really tired...some programs are OK, I can enlarge the; lots of others though, at work, I can't and struggle with. Trying to shake all these negative thoughts, but spent all our $, and am in a bit of a bind, in that way, worse than normal...so feeling also scared about bills, rent, and all...and how I'll mange to keep working, 'cause I feel like I'm gonna just collapse. I'm often so tired, I just don't care anymore about life. I guess, though, no matter what happens, I have my mate and my cat and friends, but if not for some of these things, I'm pretty sure I would have jumped in front of the express train by now, an image that still haunts me, but I have to be here for my family, now, and others. I wish, too I was more emotionally stable, after so much therapy, and trying 'meds', and all...yet I get these lows that just hit me, and then, I just dunno......and taking the train to work as well as partly by bus and foot, I looked and saw where getting hit by a train is the most effective means of suicide, something like a 95% success rate. SO I figure, well,maybe someday I can at least succeed ar that, and besides, I'll die anyway in maybe 20 or 30 years if I'm lucky, so why not????? Well, I have reasons, still, But I'm always struggling to stay on the side of the living. Sorry to make another post like this. I'm just scared, and feeling very alone in my situation...my work recotd is lousy, it'll be hard to make a good resume, especially after missing work and being late, so often...that, and who wants an English major? What good are they????? Teachers get treated like shit, I thought of that, but all the ones I know are totally miserable, unless they are in that STEM stuff, and me, I'm not at all. I've just been no good at being an adult, and feel like the world by and large has no use for me, for my 'skills' (if any), and that, coupled with being more and more broke and poor as the years go by and wages stay the same and costs go up, has me feeling embarrassed and ashamed, and also, well, there's just thee fear of keeping the lights on, and food, and all that...and then, of feeling guilty, when you do anything fun. Even travelling: I've only been back to Michigan once in five years to see my folks, due to being so broke all the time, ANd that just hurts. I just wanna end this...no dr seems to be able to address how this 'economic' factor erodes away my mental health, strength, and hope...they ain't got no pills for that. ~H. Pup (Simo)
(&&&)I'm so sorry that you're struggling through so much. We're all here to listen. Are you in therapy? If not, I think it would do you a great deal of good to get involved in therapy. ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2016 at 07:28 PM ---------- Oh and just an extra thought - I'm an English major , there are careers out there for us but carving a path is hard. Are you serious about technical writing? That's my job. Happy to share more if you want any advice.
I'm sad that your having so much stress, and loss of hope. If you just needed to vent, skip over the rest of my post. Hope you find some relief soon. You said you tried meds, but it can take several months of treatment to find the right thing. If you saw a primary care physician, try a psychiatrist instead, all they do is prescribe for mental illness, and the repetition makes them very good at it. Put out a ad looking to carpool to closer to work. There is bound to be someone thinking dang the gas money is eating me up. CBT cognitive behavioral therapy, I have an app for it on my phone, really works, I feel better about life, and my place in it. New skills, use part of your commute time. Learn Spanish from (123teachme.com free) computer skills from Lynda.com (cheap), there's lots of free learning stuff out there, YouTube is a powerful thing. Again if you just needed to vent that's cool. Your not alone most people feel like they are spinning in place sometime in their lives. Hope you feel better soon.
Hey HuskyPup, You wrote the following: I recently read some stuff about Bernie Sanders' early years when he tried to move forward with his political agenda but met with failure upon failure, he was even evicted from his apartment at one point. He and his friend needed to keep reminding themselves "I'm not crazy". They had to remind themselves this because the whole world is in a different paradigm. What you wrote above is from that paradigm: the one that says if you aren't of use, you have no worth. Perhaps it may be helpful if you turn that around and think: I have no worth because I am not used. Perhaps you may begin to realize that wanting to be "of use" is asking to be used. If wages are staying the same, is that your fault? You live in a society that says it is, but is it really? Why is everything all about your failing? What about the failings of a society that doesn't appreciate (and in our society, appreciation = money) what you do? Maybe the fear that you feel is precisely what you are supposed to feel, the better to be controlled. No, you're not crazy, it would be more accurate to say that those who have adapted (i.e. "succeeded") to a sick society are the crazy ones. Read the stoics, Seneca's Life is Short would be a good start. It begins with a clear-eyed assessment of what it is you have to lose, whether it be your health, your partner, your parents, or all the other things that matter and have value. Thinking about what you could lose, or what could be lost if you were gone could bring you back to a proper appreciation of what you still have and how what you have can lead to better things. This past Sunday, I went to Boston for the funeral of a dear old friend who died at the age of 52, over 250 people came to the funeral. She left a husband and two young adolescent boys after battling cancer for a year and a half. I can only think of what she would have given to see her boys marry and have kids of their own. Husky, as long as there's life, there's hope, you need not see things more clearly than that, you don't need anything more than a little faith that things will get better, one day at a time. By thinking about what you could still lose, you may begin to see that things could still be worse, this isn't morbid, it is a way to see things more clearly, and to avoid the crippling negative emotions that color your world darker than it should realistically be. ---------- Post added 13th Apr 2016 at 01:10 AM ---------- To add to what I wrotte above: They are the ones being used, the ones that have a function in maintaining the sick state of affairs we call "society", like good functionaries are wont to do...
I am sorry you are dealing with this. These are all situational problems and can be addressed. I have an idea you have sought counseling in the past. I urge you to reach out and deal with your current situation. I definitely would see a Psychiatrist, who is trained to deal with the psychological portion of your issue and who CAN prescribe medication. Depression and anxiety are very real illnesses and they are treatable. Please seek help immediately. Your life is precious, no matter how bad things seem right now. Secondly, guess what I do for a living? Yep, I hire people. I hire people with all sorts of backgrounds and history. Resolve your issues that you feel are holding you back, at least as much as you can. Clean that resume up, make a conscious effort to be an ideal employee right now (should you choose to stay where you are at for the moment) and start looking. People overcome issues all the time. I would be impressed with someone who explained that they had some work issues related to a serious medical condition, and who make a conscious effort to seek treatment and overcome the issue. As far as a five hour commute, yes, that's not sustainable. Part of your depression may stem from a simple lack of sleep. But....I'm no doctor and I urge you to seek help immediately. Please keep us posted. You are in my thoughts.
Why don't you look for a job in Baltimore. I mean, I know the commute to DC is long but where on earth are you going that it takes 2.5 hours each way? That is an exceptionally long commute between those two cities, I mean they are not that far apart. Are you going from one outlying suburb to another? Having an extremely long commute in and of itself is a reason to look for another job. You know you can use the career services at your undergrad to help you with your resume. Even if the school is far away, you can do it by skype or phone. There are ways out of your situation, you just have to be creative about it and ask for help. I'm sure there are tons of job forums that can give you better help than I can. look for some creative solutions.
These are all very good thoughts that the others have listed. I especially recommend trying to make your commute better if you can. My good friend has a two hour commute and writes fanfic during it. You've said your eyes are bad, so you might have to stick to audio books or quiet dictation (that last one may be impossible). I think the phone app for therapy was a great idea, and along that line you may be able to find a text based therapy solution you can do on your commute. However I'm not sure talking about your situation is the best medicine--fixing your job and commute probably is. Generally I would at least start looking for a new job or a new house. I know rent is crazy high in DC but tbh I would prefer to live with roomies than do the kind of life-stealing commute you are doing. You might want to start looking into social services if your eyes are that bad. Hang in there.
Hey everyone, I just wanted to say thanks for all the comments and suggestions, and reply to at least some of the many questions before I reply to people more directly. Where to begin? Therapy: I have been seeing a therapist weekly for quite some time, perhaps 2 years? And before that, I did see another therapist for about 3 years, and before that, others...so there have been quite a few, which have shifted due to retirements, moving, insurance changes. Overall, I'd say it does help, though we always seem to hit a brick wall when it comes to how financial constraints impact matters: As in: Not being able to afford the eye care I need, even with insurance, or being able to seek TMJ treatment, or see a dentist for other issues, because they want more than I ever have saved up. Even the dental school wants piles of cash, and when I try to get help they say either I have (crappy) dental/eye insurance, or that I 'make too much'...so I feel like I fall through the cracks, and that all these 'health 'care' providers don't care at all. In fact, I think it's stupid to even abuse the word 'care', like that. (I understand the word has different meanings, but it's a bitter irony) I have also seen a number of psychiatrists, and have tried numerous meds...with some very ugly reactions, especially to all of the SSRIs (The worst class of drugs for me, ever), to Wellbutrin, and to the Tricyclics...and am very afraid to try any more. I had tons of side effects that never went away, made me feel like a sexless zombie, gave me horrible headaches, nightmares, anxiety, light sensitivity, even worse vision, and, I just could not do it anymore. So I decided against meds, and maybe to try and eat better, and did become a vegetarian for a year, but have gone back to eating some meat, 'cause I wasn't taking the time to get enough protein. ~ So I am in therapy, have seen a Dr, and my blood sugar, thyroid, blood pressure and such are all normal. I think much of this is that I'm 48, poor, and worn out, and due to being so tired, it gets hard to think in a normal, or even a positive way. ~ Let's see: The commute. It starts with a 20 minute fast-walk to the train station. Maybe another 10 minutes at the station, because I don't wanna miss it (MARC trains). The ride down is OK, I can get a seat. Sometimes I read, or jot down ideas, though I'm often too tired and waking up, so I look out the window. I do try to use this time, but I don't have a smartphone, tablet or laptop or the $/credit for that kind of monthly bill, so I just read books on paper, or think to myself. I think I can afford a Smartphone soon, a cheap one, though the screen is so small, to me. The train ride itself is about 45-50 minutes. Then, I get out at New Carrollton, MD, and wait about 20 minutes for the next bus to College Park, give or take, and another 30 minutes on the bus. On the way back, it's a bit longer, due to how the bus/train/me getting out of work times all sync up. So I try to do things to make use of the time, but it's all fragmented...sometimes, I'm just waiting at a bus-stop, leaning against a pole, or, on the train home, maybe standing halfway home, 'cause it's crowded after it leaves from DC, that when I get on, it's really full. So then, it's hard to do much, but keep your balance. And in some places, like at the New Carrollton Station, you wanna keep one eye open, on your surroundings. So that's the commute more in detail...I guess the exercise is good; walking home at night is a bit scary, crossing North Avenue, and those few blocks are kinda rough up to 22nd street, but nothing bad has happened so far. But damn, I get offered a lot of stuff, from hookers to heroin. You just say something like 'I'm good', and keep going, act natural. ~ Some sage person here said much of this sounds situational, and I think that's a good point. If I had a closer job that even paid OK and wasn't the most meaningful, that would be a huge improvement. And I am starting to look harder, and have been combing websites and such... Two things that seem to hold me back: So many places say, "Must have own, reliable transportation", I mean, almost all of them. And then, others want to check my credit. I don't get why. I've been told having bad credit is like being some kind of criminal, like places will worry you'll steal from them, if you do. So not sure what to do, there. ~ Well, thanks for all the suggestions...any ideas for job hunting? I've tried on and off for some years, but nothing related to library assistant seems to turn up, and I can't think what else I'd be good at. I thought maybe tour guide, but I don't see much call for that. I'm a very social sort; in a way, working in a library among so many passive-agressive, anal retentive sorts has been like being in a cage, even if I do like books. Not good in such a rigid structure, I'm afraid. OK, I gotta stop for now, am hungry & need to make food. But thanks for all the input. My body feels so heavy, like gravity has suddenly increased; it's like I can never sleep enough.
You are amazing for sticking with therapy that long, I've never found it to be a fun experience. Your dedication to getting to work is amazing. You've been at your job ten years! That's amazing too, it shows lots of dedication and reliability. Meds aren't for everyone, they gave me hallucinations, but I've seen them work well for others. John Oliver just did a show on what a sham credit reports are for employment. I feel you with the doctors, sometimes they are useless. Have you considered crowdfunding you eyes? I think there are lots of people who have been where you are who would like to help. Also my friend got his wife good eye care through Obama care. I bet it's different from state to state, but better insurance through healthcare.gov might save you more than a job that offers terrible insurance. Job hunting, can you transfer to another city with lower living cost with your company? Maybe stop aiming for big businesses that want to do credit checks and look for a small biz that wants a dedicated employee. Also ask your friends if their company is hiring, it's way easier to get a job with someone vouching for you. Good luck, I've noticed your responses on other post, and I like your avatar!
Try not to get paralyzed by thinking of everything at once. Instead, focus on small positive improvements. I do think that looking for a job that has a shorter commute will pay many dividends. In the meantime, try to read books or listen to the radio/music so your mind is stimulated while traveling. Also, you might look for jobs that don't pay well but have good benefits, especially health insurance, like a state job. Even if you don't think you have the specific qualifications, it doesn't hurt to apply. Also, ask other people for advice because they may know about openings that aren't even being listed. One thing you might do is just use Google Maps and look for nearby business, even ones you could theoretically walk to. Do some digging and maybe even visiting in person to ask if they have openings; even if they don't have one right now, you could leave a card and possibly have someone call you back when something comes up.
Hi there! It takes a lot of strength to continue trying to make things better for oneself. You've got it! If seeing a therapist on a very regular basis helps, that counts. As it was said by resu, take it one step at a time, and as he said, "focus on small positive improvements." This will help you in building a sense of that things are moving forward. This in turn will allow you to keep building motivation to keep moving forward. Every little step, and no matter how small it is, counts. It has an equal weight with a large step. I do think that a different job, or perhaps career path, could certainly help you. One thing that could help is seeking out the support from an Employment Advisor who can help you in your job search efforts, and perhaps even do a referral to a potential employer. If there is an agency that provides career Mentorship, that would be another thing to look into, as it could help you to gain greater insights into how to enter a field/job area that you feel would be a good fit for you. Sometimes, working with a professional working the same (or a similar) field, can open doors to hidden opportunities, or result in professional connections that could go a long way. Placement agencies could also be something to explore, if you have not done so yet. While they might only offer short term contracts or employment it could give you a chance to get to know a variety of different employers as well as learn more about yourself and find a good fit. I wonder, for what kind of jobs have you been looking/applying for? Have you dropped off applications in person, or tried to speak with someone before dropping off an application? We are all here for you. (*hug*)
