it's weighing heavily on me today. i know, i know, i sound like a broken record stuck on the same refrain over and over and over, but as much as i love her and she loves me, i can't pretend to be straight anymore. even though we had sex this weekend at her initiation, i just can't. it's affecting EVERYTHING i do. i'm obsessed, i'm angry, i'm aggressive, i'm not present when i should be and i don't like myself at all. i don't like who i've become due to this societal pressure, due to my own expectations of myself, due to everyone else's expectations. so, i'm thinking about actually doing it. moving out. when the school year is over so we can figure out how to manage our high schooler's schedule next year. 6 weeks. the thought has been terrified and nauseated. will i have the balls to go through with it. will she have a nervous breakdown. again, i feel like a monster. a complete and total selfish heartless fucking monster. this battle has been raging in me for 40 years. i'm too exhausted to fight it anymore. i feel like if i keep trying, i'll simply allow myself to waste away and die. i have to own this. jesus christ it's going to be armageddon. apocalyptic. i hope we all survive.
Hey Taxodium, One step at a time. Moving out, or separating, is not the end of the world. Couples do it all the time, for various reasons. You can still see your wife and kids as often as you like. Hopefully the distance will reduce the pressure you feel, and help provide some clarity for both you and your wife. It will also make it easier for you to try some "safe" gay activities, like going to meetups and making friends. Think about it this way: gay or not gay, your marriage is in crisis and the house is a pressure cooker. It's in everyone's best interest to create some space. One suggestion is to have a plan in place before announcing anything. This will give you some necessary confidence. Good luck man.
Thanks. I'm lucky to have a secondary residence to which I can retreat, but the distance will make it difficult to help with my kid day-to-day without considerable expense and wear and tear on my car. We'll see. Like you said, one step at a time. Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.
Taxodium, Back in October you said your wife didnt seem to fully process what you told her when you came out. You said she wanted to continue the marriage in a modified way. I'm wondering if your wife's understanding of you (and the situation) has evolved since then? The reason I'm asking is that...if you ask a straight woman if she'd like to marry a gay man, the answer is a universal "No thanks!" And in fact, most straight women who discover they are married to a gay man get pissed off. They feel their life has been stolen and they feel it was incredibly selfish of their husband to lie and hide and co-opt their life. You've repeatedly said how fragile your wife is, so there's no doubt about that, but I wonder if a key problem is that she still, literally, doesn't believe you are gay. It seems to me that if she did, her attitude and expectations about the future would change. Having done this myself, I wonder if you give her mixed signals. You've said you're gay but do you in all other ways behave toward her as you always have? If so, that could be confusing. Or - for someone already in denial - further proof that their distorted understanding of reality is the correct one.
Yes, I have admittedly given her mixed signals because I have told her I am trying my best to be straight. Like I said, we even had sex this weekend (at her instigation) and I let it happen because I know she seeks that validation and craves that intimacy. I do think she *knows* deep down that I'm gay, yet she somehow thinks I can control the gay enough to be functionally bisexual. I'm going fucking insane.
Well, there are quite a few straight spouses at the Straight Spouse Network who would love to tell your wife you've given her the greatest gift, the truth, and now she should "run like her hair is on fire." If she heard such advice, do you think it would affect her? For many women, hearing from others in the same situation is extremely cathartic.
Big big hugs (&&&) I know that this is a really tough turning point, you know that I struggle with this decision too. I think that a really good step might be counselling for both of you to work on making separation a smoother transition. I believe that you can get through this and that your wife will learn to cope as well. It will be hard, but you can do it. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Re: Straight Spouse Network : She discovered that site early on and told me she's read the testimonials there and that it helped her feel not quite as if she were the only one going through this. I've check out the open forum over there every now and again to see if I recognize her in any of the posts, but so far, nothing. There ironically seems to be a lot of compassion here for what our straight spouses are going through and some of us try really hard to make things work at the expense of our own mental health, while over there, it seems that most of them are mired in bitterness and PTSD and can't move beyond it. In many ways that's where I fear my wife will end up while I develop and self-actualise. So I'm essentially stuck in my own inability to move beyond my own self-inflicted bitterness and pre-PTSD. Seriously... can someone just invent a treatment to make me straight ? I swear, I'd pay anything.
Then maybe this isn't the best plan. I think you need a workable plan in case your wife really does fall apart. This doesn't sound like it is it. I suspect that you leaving and moving that distance away will make things worse for your wife -- because she needs your assistance with your son, correct? Can you afford to rent somewhere closer?
Amomwhoknows has a point, long distance is hard with kids. Could you rent out the second place using a rental agent and use the money for an efficiency apt closer? 6 weeks is plenty of time to find a renter.
All emotional pain comes from resistance to what is. Surrender to your reality and your pain will go away. The challenge of course is separating reality from fantasy. The reality is that you are gay and your wife is an adult who is ultimately responsible for herself. Accept these truths and the rest takes care of itself.
Taxodium, I've been thinking about you since I read this post, I've been trying to think of how to encourage you in your situation. I think everyone here is giving you great advice. But the thing that worries me the most is your self-acceptance. When I read statements like you've gone back into the closet, and you wish you were straight, it really concerns me. I feel like finding a way to move forward and get past the pain requires greater self-acceptance. I don't remember whether you've said this or not, but are you going to therapy? I feel like a good start to coming to decisions that will come from this. I understand your struggle, I still have so far to go. I just want to see you feeling a greater sense of pride. (&&&)
