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Embracing your Bisexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Apr 7, 2016.

  1. Nickw

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    I can relate to this. Accept maybe for the anxiety in trying to decide what you are. I had a phase of this in my early twenties where I really hated being bisexual...can't I just decide?

    Now, I really like it! I am in a great marriage and I live in a town with, seriously, the hottest guys on earth. What's not to appreciate about this? I have decided it is WHO I want to have sex with...not WHAT I want to have sex with.

    It does not mean the desires, fantasies and wants are not there. But, it makes it less urgent and consuming for me.
     
    #21 Nickw, Apr 16, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2016
  2. Ravienclaw

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    I still struggle with this a lot actually, and often try to push myself into being 100% gay just because it seems easier to just like one. But at the end of the day whether you accept the label or not, you are who you are.
     
  3. StevieB

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    If you find out, let me know! Haha. I am the same as you. Except I have cleared the first hurdle in that my wife knows. I really should not give two schitz what anyone thinks, yet I can't open that closet door. Good luck!
     
  4. Carpe noctem 16

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    I recently discovered these bisexual feelings. I have thought about how neat it is that i'am attracted to both men and women. After all, i'am a free spirited hippie. However, the reality is that i'am married with a daughter. How the hell do i even began to embrace these new feelings???

    I plan to attend some LGBT events in the near future.
     
  5. Adray

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    I'm with you, Carpe. It is neat to be bisexual! Use your new superpowers for the force of good!

    Seriously, I'm a happy bisexual. Sure, it was a little weird when I first figured it out 30 years ago. And yeah, coming out publicly is a challenge. A big challenge, given our current society and my advanced age. But my wife is not only cool with it, but supportive. And it's me, no doubt. I want to come out more publicly and, like you said, get involved in LGBT events. Next month is our Pride Fest, and I'll be there wearing a Bi Pride flag button and with my supportive wife.

    It's not that easy for many (or perhaps most?) bisexuals, though. Struggles with knowing for sure, challenges with coming out, a burning desire to be involved with more than one gender at a time, attractions that change over time, etc. I've always been attracted to both, it hasn't changed over time, and I've always been happy being monogamous. Attracted to both, but in love with one person and happy. But the more I read, the more I see that it really does vary by person, and I'm no more indicative of "typical" than anyone else.

    My challenge is coming out publicly. I'm making progress....
     
  6. Carpe noctem 16

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    Adray,

    I think that my wife will probably be supportive bc she is an awesome human being. However, im terrified to express my feelings to her. I don't mind being in a monogamous relationship either actually i prefer it. BUT i find myself wanting to find a guy to connect with and really see if this is all real or just a sexual fantasy? I really do not want to make a stupid mistake thats going to jeopardize my marriage. BUT i can't control my urges and i find myself on craigslist. Now im definitely not going to hook up with a stranger from craigslist. But i want to befriend a nice decent guy who i can express my feelings and just kind of have a shoulder to lean on if you will.
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hey Carpe

    Since us bisexuals are a secretive society I don't know how most of us feel. But, you certainly expressed how I have felt much of my life. So, I don't know what the answer is. Even at my age, I am still trying to understand how, and how much, my bisexuality affects my life. And, it is variable. Sometimes I think why would I give up everything for THAT. And, other times the urges are almost overwhelming and I am tempted to do something stupid and harmful to myself or my wife.

    We have both discussed, in the past, how we will eventually need to engage our wives in our sexuality. But, it is really hard to figure out when, and how, to do that. Isn't it?
     
  8. Carpe noctem 16

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    It most certainly is!! What im scared off is living like this for an indefinite amount of time. Not sure what the next step is??
     
  9. AlexLee

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    I just want to say, that I love this thread. Its made me rethink on how to phrase things.
     
  10. Nickw

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    After a week of hanging out with my friends kitesurfing I am having more trouble with the idea of outing myself as a bisexual. A couple weeks ago, I was all ready to embrace an open bisexuality. Not anymore.

    A little history. I was a weak, timid, small kid who was bullied. At about 11, or so, I saw a native indian girl being beat by the same brats that used to harass me. So, I interceded and got the crap beat out of me while she escaped. It felt so good to stand up and be a man. I swore I would never be weak again. So, I worked at getting strong and engaging in dangerous activities. I still attach a lot of my self worth to this. I'm the guy who still steps up when someone is in trouble. My friends know this.

    While not true, the gay stereotype of being less than a man is something I have a lot of trouble with. As I looked around the group of friends after a day of some pretty wild riding I was thinking I cannot jeopardize my perceived masculinity by being the bisexual guy in the group. I am not proud of letting what other people think drive my behavior. But, I struggled so much overcoming the perception that I was weak, as a child, that I cannot let it go. The guy who is "fearless" is very afraid of this.

    I know that the only way to break down these stereotypes is to be the guy that steps forward, but it is so hard to do. I feel like I will lose something very important to me.
     
    #30 Nickw, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  11. HereWeGo

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    A good start is knowing that being gay doesn't make you less of a man... even if you're still having trouble accepting that. You're worried what other people think, but has anybody ever actually said anything to you to make you feel this way or is it all in your head? And what about your kitesurfing friends? Would they think of you as less of a man if they knew about your situation? Gay, straight or bi, the truth is, you're still 100% man. The only thing being strong and doing dangerous activities makes you is a bad ass!

    ---------- Post added 1st May 2016 at 05:46 PM ----------

    And PS... Intervening to help that girl when you were a kid is a very noble thing to do. But that didn't make you more of a man. That made you more of a decent human being.
     
  12. Nickw

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    HWG

    Inside, I don't believe that sexual orientation has anything to do with masculinity or bravery. Some of the bravest acts I have seen recently have been on this forum.

    I came to terms a long time ago that my sexual orientation had nothing to do with my strengths as a human.

    That's why it just seems so hard to do this....coming out to my buddies as a bisexual. I just cannot stomach the idea that some will see me as less of a man...regardless of what I think. I have spent years in this environment with these guys doing some pretty hairy stuff. We also have this sort of teasing thing going...locking naked guys out of their jeeps, stuff like that. The idea that this messing around would be interpreted as sexual would destroy some of the fun for me. I am afraid of not being one of the guys again (like when I was a kid)...and it took me so much effort to get here. Silly fear really.

    I know my friends would be supportive. But, it will change things. I am just not sure I want it to change.
     
  13. HereWeGo

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    That makes sense. I know what you mean. You have a certain relationship with these guys and you don't want it to change if you're honest with them. Sorry if I misinterpreted your previous post. There are friends I've shared hotel rooms with and it would be sad to think they would no longer be willing to do that if I told them I was gay.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Funny. I have known some of these guys for 30 years. Been naked with them plenty of times and it has never been at all sexual. Slept on the sides of mountains in tiny tents, cuddled with them and their wives on sudden storms on river trips...all in the same sleeping bag. But, now I worry that their perception of that would change even though I have not.

    The other thing is the whole "are you attracted to me" deal. Great...not a convo I want to have with my buddies. I saw this with a gay friend who came out. He was great about it. He just pointed to his flacid d**k and said "make your own conclusions" and then proceeded to diss something about their looks...they had it coming.

    I know I need to be more honest with my wife. But, I am really starting to reconsider how "out" I am willing to be with the rest of my life.
     
    #34 Nickw, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  15. Adray

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    Nick - it's okay to take your time. And you don't have to be out to everybody. Or at all, if that is best for you. I've been reading a lot of good guidance that stresses doing what is right for you.

    If/when you do come out publicly, you'll want (it will be helpful, to say the least) to have your wife on board with you, supporting you. And even if she is going to be fully supportive, you'll still want to give her time to process everything before you take the next step. She may have some good ideas once you reach that point about how to proceed, too. I think I've told you, my wife is supportive. She has had suggestions, ideas, etc. We are going to the Pride Fest together in a couple of weeks.

    You probably already know all that, but just trying to offer input and support. Even if you don't eventually come out publicly, you have already been really helpful here on EC, and I hope you continue to do so.

    I agree with your comment about some of the people on EC being super brave. And I think gay men might be tougher, if anything, owing to the challenges they face in this society of ours.

    Just some thoughts.... I am hoping/wishing/planning on coming out myself, and I'll be sure to post experiences. You and I are in somewhat similar situations. The toughest physical events I've done have all been alone, though, so I don't have the extreme outdoor sports experience with friends that you do. Four years ago, I switched to bicycle commuting 7 miles each way. I go in all weather, so that has included thunderstorms, hail, sub-zero temps, snow, etc. And I do it all in bright neon bike clothes, in front of everybody in town. And still I wonder if coming out as bi is going to be tougher. It can't be tougher than riding into a sub-zero wind on studded winter tyres can it? In front of SUV drivers, wearing fluorescent clothing? LOL. So yeah, I totally feel you on the challenge level. In my life, the biggest worry about coming out is getting fired from my band. But... good bass players are always in demand, so I figure if that happens, so be it. Some other band will get a good LGBT bassist.

    Sorry for the rambling, and the long post. Hang in there, friend. Be you, do what works best for you.
     
  16. Nickw

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    Adray

    My health condition has rapidly improved and now I am getting back with my old buddies and upping the level of activity. Suddenly, I am a wimp about the whole "out and proud" thing. I just want my old life back and "bi" just doesn't fit into it as well.

    Thanks for the kind words. I see so many here with really major issues with coming out and dealing with the fall out; and my situation seems so "optional". But, I think you get where I am coming from.

    I really want to thank you for you encouragement with getting things together with my wife. We are making progress although it is easy to fall back into old habits. I am pretty sure my wife is fine with my bisexuality as I have been pushing the dialogue a bit. But, publicly "out" is not something she will be in to! This will be a decade long process I think!
     
  17. CapColors

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    Lol that's hilarious.

    Nick, do as you please but for me I feel it's important to be known for who I am by those I care about.

    I personally don't think it's weird to just tell friends that you are not attracted to them when you come out. I've done it that way a couple of times and it's worked pretty well. Like "I want boobs but not yours no offense!" and "You're adorable but you are incurably straight, so". (My friends are chicks so I have to praise them while I tell them I'm not attracted to them, as opposed to your friend who could dis his friends.)

    And, honestly, you just gotta lie to your friends you ARE attracted to. It's a little fiction we perpetrate but it's just necessary social lube.
     
  18. biAnnika

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    I am *such* a fan of "don't hide it and don't scream it". Sheesh, if I told everyone I was attracted to that I was attracted to them, people would think I was either sick or a tease! On the other hand, if I *never* told a friend I was attracted to them...well, I wouldn't have my partner, or really much of any actual love in my life. What has worked incredibly well for me on every front of my life has been the steadfast refusal to *lie*, coupled with judicious holding back of things that simply aren't relevant.

    People don't see what they're not ready to see; and when they *are* ready to see it, I am there, ready and willing to talk about it.
     
  19. Nickw

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    Annika and Cap

    I think I am now in the camp of laying low. I appreciate your insights I, seriously, doubt that anyone would ever ask me about my sexuality...so, I don't need to lie. While I am desperate to have another middle age bi guy to relate to, I am not really in the market, for awhile at least, for a lover...so that is not an issue.

    I think I was hoping I could be brave enough to advance the "normalcy" of bisexuality since I am constantly frustrated by the misconceptions that exist. Not in my cards right now. I spent a great deal of time thinking about this on holiday. I sort of like owning my little secret.