Today I heard someone say that if you've never been with anyone you can't call yourself gay. My problem is that I have started to seriously consider coming out to my family but I've never so much as dated anyone, man or woman before. As far back as I can remember I've always known that I was only attracted to women but I didn't have a word for it until I was 13. Now I'm 26 and after years of hating myself for being different I've finally come to think that being gay has made me a more openminded and empathetic person, someone that, most days, I am happy to be. So I would love some input on whether or not you think I should tell anyone, should I wait until I'm dating or what if I never date should I just keep it to myself forever? That may sound dramatic but I'm from a small town and am painfully shy, so it's a real possibilty. My baby sister is 12 and has started asking me questions about boys and dating, I don't want to lie, but I don't know if I should tell the truth either.
Glad to hear that you feel you're happy to be gay. Also just because you haven't been with anyone makes no difference. I haven't and still know I'm gay. As for coming out, only when you're truly ready should you do it. Have you got anyone you can talk to about it? Friend etc?
When you finally come out a weight will be lifted. Only you know when the time is right. I spent 10 years trying to convince myself I was straight. Don't waste any more time. Time to start living. You don't need to have kissed a girl to know that you'd like to be kissing a girl. Take the Burden off of youself and set yourself free.
I agree you don't want to jump the shark and come out before you are sure yourself. Someone gave me some advice on here and I've tried and I've felt better. It's when your alone and no one can hear you say "I'm gay" or "I'm bi sexual" and I even added what I would like to do that I've only ever imagined. I've done that a few days and over felt better about everything. To hear yourself say those things you may figure out what suits you with the way you feel when you hear yourself saying it instead of it being held in your head. One other good piece of advice that I've taken is a therapist. I don't have anyone in my life I can really talk to about this so I have an appointment for Monday with an lgbt therapist to help me figure out my path. Wish you well with your path and if you ever want to talk leave me a message on my board. I'll be happy to give you some encouragement. One last thing is you shouldn't look at it as lying. It's your not sure and figuring it out. Once you figure it out you'll find a way to tell who matters. *hugs from ohio*
I just wanted to thank everyone who replied. It means more to me than I can say and I really appreciate all of your advice. Thank you.
I think it's important to come out if you feel approximately ready and it doesn't put you in danger. There might not ever be a "perfect" time to do it, but you might as well just do it if there's nothing major holding you back. I waited longer than I should have, and I regret the years I wasted. The closet is no place to be. You only live once, might as well live authentically.
When I came out to my family I was between boyfriends (and that relationship was in secret as neither of us were out - so we were "friends" when we were out and about) so you definitely don't need to be dating anyone. In a sense, it was kind of harder for me to come out because I had dated several girls. My mom asked for me for the millionth time if I was interested in a girl and finally I'd had enough. By that point I was out to myself and a few friends and ready to tell her. My story aside, you don't need to have been with anyone to know your orientation. I have several gay friends who knew when they were kids (like by age 5), others in early puberty well before they had dated or tried anything. Straight people don't need to date anyone or have sex to know what they're into, why should it be any different for gay/bi people? If you truly feel ready and safe, I might consider coming out to your family. It can tell you that it does wonders for your mental health. No more pretense of being straight. No more of your parents wondering just what exactly is going on with you. If they're not homophobic, it can really do wonders for your relationship with them, and with any friends/family members you decide to come out to. Besides once you start coming out, it becomes so much easier to start dating because you don't care who sees you. You can just go out and be you.
Thank you, what you said makes a lot of sense. I just worry that because I've held this secret in for half of my life I don't know who'd I would be if I didn't have that pretense of being straight, if that makes any sense. Overthinking before I speak, keeping my feelings to myself, is all second nature to me and I'm afraid of how it will change the relationships I have with my family if I didn't have to hide anymore.
That was honestly my biggest worry. I was 25 or 26 (I forget exactly when) when I came out to my family and I also felt like I had been lying for so long. Really it just starts with telling people you're gay and telling them why you held it in for so long. I found that once I started explaining my struggles with coming to terms with being gay and not wanting to be different but eventually learning to accept it that virtually everyone came around. We continue with the pretense of being straight because of what can happen to you for coming out. People can treat you differently, you can lose friends or family members, you can be persecuted for your sexuality. Hence why so many people hide in the closet, even well into adulthood like you and I. Coming out also helped me to start sharing my feelings more. Honestly before coming out, I kept a lot bottled up inside. I was - and still am in many ways - quite shy, so keeping all of that to myself wasn't exactly impossible to do because it's how I'd always been.
It does change your relationships. Some of those changes will be good and some of them will be bad. My family is really conservative. Some people whom you thought would react badly don't while others that you thought for sure would have no problem with it do. So its hard to say.
I am the same way with keeping everything bottled up and it never occured to me how great it would feel to share this deeply personal thing about myself that only I have known for so long. Even if it is just anonymously on the internet. So I hope that soon I will be able to tell my immediate family, I don't think that I will ever be 100% ready but I'm getting there.
I don't think I'll ever be 100% ready either so you're not alone. Just stay true to yourself and it'll work out. I've been untrue and unhappy for too long and it's not a good place to be in trust me
Keeping the secret in does not get better with time; it gets worse and just keeps hurting you. Have you looked at the later in life board? Take a look at the things that people 10, 20, 30 years older than you that got into straight marriages they are unhappy with say. I would think that would encourage you to come out. I WISH I had come out at your age.
