Waxing and waning

At this point you have to trust that you made the right decision. Once you begin to explore being with a guy, be open to the experience and see where it takes you. You'll have an inkling after a few times with a guy. Keep in mind that your enjoyment is proportional to your acceptance OR inversely proportional to your internalized homophobia. Given the intensity of your denial, you should not expect mind blowing sex until the denial starts to wane.

 

Be prepared to have those feelings regularly for the foreseeable future. And as you progress on your journey, with each success, you will find those feelings diminish and evolve.

I do believe you can become 100% sure of your sexuality, once all of the baggage is removed and your mind is clear.

It will take some time and hard work on your part. But you have already achieved a substantial amount given where you have already gotten to.

I look back on the day I finally came out to myself and I compare it to where I am now, and in every respect I am a much better person. No looking back for me.

 

Justasking, I feel the exact same way.

It's pretty terrifying to leave one life and try to move to another without a clear signal that you're going in the right direction.

It feels like wandering around in the darkness, constantly questioning whether you're a fool for leaving the safety and warmth of home.

 

After unexpectedly finding myself single at 44, I found "living a gay life" to be somewhat different than what I originally expected. Not a lot has changed. I still live in the same town, have the same job and have the same long-term friends. Most of my time is spent doing the same old things...work, kids, house stuff. "Changing everything" hasn't really played out that way.

What I've gained is the ability to freely spend time with men I like. I don't mean hook-ups, I mostly mean friends. My life has been greatly enriched by lots of new gay and bi friends. Sometimes we do "gay" things, like go to gay bar, but mostly we don't. Dinners, movies, birthday parties, hiking, social events. "Gay" underlies all those friendships but minute-to-minute, our conversations aren't all that different from the ones I have with straight friends.

The biggest challenge has been dating men. I've had a lot of first dates. Nice guys, good conversations but no special connections. At different points, I wondered, "How can I meet so many men and not really feel anything for most of them?" I've since learned that's totally normal. Not every straight man is attracted to every straight woman! In fact, mostly they're not. Dating men is no different that way. So, I've found that dating men is pretty normal and not-so-exciting. It is what it is.

Finally, after four years of dating, I'm now in a relationship with a guy. Daily life still isn't that different. We both have busy lives and diverse responsibilities. We see each other twice or three times a week, and it's awesome, but my life hasn't been turned upside down. New normal is not so far away from old normal.

Back in the beginning, I remember being anxious about the unknown. But experience has taught me that all that anxiety didn't amount to much, nor was it productive. I am not solely defined by my attraction to men and my life reflects that. Looking back, that's what I should have expected all along. I'm still me. Chances are, you will remain you too.

 

It would be wonderful if we had 100% certainty about anything; this is a divine wish, unfortunately confined to the divine.

For us mere mortals, who can only dimly see much of anything about what is worth pursuing, there is an element of risk. This applies to careers, where we live, what we choose to eat, and who we chose to love.

I will repeat those last words above...who we chose to love. Notice that this is an action you can take with intention, who you chose to love will hopefully accord with your sexuality, but realize that to love someone is a verb.

Maybe, instead of thinking about what happiness you could gain, you may invert that a little and focus on the happiness you could bring to another. That leads to something more powerful: joy.

 

I am only beginning my journey and all of these posts help me a lot because I have the same apprehension where I ask myself am I really doing the right thing. The thing is I know I'm not happy with how things are now and I have to figure out what will and that is unknown. It'd be easy to bury my head in the sand again but that would prolong my unhappiness. So I hope I have the ability to put myself out there and fully with a man when the time comes.

 

So it's all a matter of time

 

I wish I knew what to do trying not to breakdown completely at work and not function, even told my wife and found solace in a the fact she said you cannot be gay even though I feel it and do not know why as I am so depressed and medication is not helping even after a month, tried to not come onto EC for a couple of days but miss d it

 

Thanks for your advice but I am so afraid of the unknown and what is out there. Everything changes and I am 56 yrs old this week. Still unsure of my true identity and why I only get these feelings or senses when I am depressed every 8-9 years. It is definitely the worst this time though and I can see no future ahead. I have no friends to share this with except on EC and not sure what a therapist will say to me. I am so confused

 

Spurs

Anti depressants do not always work that quickly. And, your doc may need to try several before finding one that works for you. Give it some time. Therapists do not "say" anything to you...they help you "say" it to yourself. Hang in there and work on your health first, the rest you can work out as you get better.

That said, keep sharing on this forum. It is an excellent place to find support!

 

Spurs

Prior to coming out, I had 2 periods of prolonged anxiety that resulted in depressive episodes. In my case work stress coupled with my being in denial/in the closet about my sexuality tipped the scales.

At some level you already know your sexual orientation but you are just having problems accepting it because of your internalized homophobia / shame about being gay. You've learned lessons growing up that being gay is wrong or sinful, and you want to be a good person with a normal life so you are trying to ignore the gay signals in your brain. Being gay is part of who you are, like your eye color, and you cannot change this by wishing it away. In 2016 you can have a normal/conventional life after coming out if that’s what you want. Do/did you notice guys, either now or growing up? Do you have fantasies about other men? These and other questions offer important clues about your sexuality. The key is addressing the shame so you can accept the truth.

Caveat: Based on your previous posts, I assume you are gay. If you were bisexual, everything that I wrote applies to the gay component of your bisexuality.

Depression is treatable, so you definitely need to continue with the AD therapy so you feel better. You may also want to find an LGBT therapist to help you work through the shame and your thought process about your feelings towards other guys. This would help to accelerate your healing process, especially if a significant cause of your depression is the repression of your sexuality.

HTH

 

I can relate to this too, I came out to a friend who responded really positively.
But I still get confused. I've had some level of awareness for about a decade but only recently admired it to myself.

Anti depressants take a few weeks to kick in. Most people would want therapy too.
Because of my age I get a bit impatient with myself, feels like times passing me by.
Don't be hard on yourself.