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Had permission, but still feel guilty

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DRex, Apr 3, 2016.

  1. DRex

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    So, a little background on this. I'm bi and my girlfriend is both trans and asexual. She told me from the start of our relationship that I was free to go and fulfill my sexual needs with someone else on the side if she wasn't meeting them, which I felt awkward about doing.

    And now, several months later, a guy I met at the pride festival today made out with me (heavily, not just kissing and hugging, but not quite having sex either), and I let it happen and I went along with it. It felt great in the moment, and I allowed it to happen because she had given permission earlier, but now I just feel awful about it and I feel like I betrayed her.

    I'm not sure what the best thing to do here is. Should I just assume everything is OK because of what she said before, or should I confess what happened to her and hope everything turns out alright? I know she gave me permission to do things with other people, but I still feel like I betrayed her and that if I say nothing I'm hiding a terrible secret from her.

    Also, I should mention that I've become paranoid lately of the possibility that I might have accidentally done something to hurt her and that I might be losing her; every time she doesn't respond to me for a while I get really worried. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I just thought I'd mention it.
     
    #1 DRex, Apr 3, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  2. bubbles123

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    It looks to me like if you try to just move on and assume everything's alright, you're just going to keep worrying and feeling more guilty. The fact that you also feel like you're losing her is also a sign of this.
    The best thing for you to do would be to just tell her. She's your girlfriend and even though she gave you full permission to do those things, you shouldn't keep something from her that you're worried about. Talking to her will help you get a better understanding of where she's at with things, and maybe she can help you feel better about it. Just tell her exactly what you feel, just like how you said on here. It's better to be honest. And I'm sure she wouldn't be mad anyway. But talking is always good and probably necessary with the way things are.

    It may feel hard, but it will only help you grow closer, understand each other's expectations more, and get better at communicating in general which is great and super important.
    Good luck!
     
  3. AngelDragonfly

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    One word: talk. Just talk to her about what you did, get if off your chest. Talk to her about your fear. But get it all out. As you feel is appropiate, that is. Maybe you aren't ready to talk about it yes. And do always let the person on the side know you have somebody else. Maybe they are ok, maybe not. But just try to talk about at least a little bit of your feelings. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Best of luck! (*hug*):icon_bigg(&&&):newcolor::thewave::stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. DRex

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    I think you're right. Regardless of what happens, I think eventually I'm going to be overcome by guilt to the point where I'll have to let it all out no matter what. I'm just really afraid of how she'll respond. She's really the kindest and nicest person I've ever met and having her drop out of my life like that would completely tear me apart. Also, she's had enough issues with being betrayed by people she thought she could trust to the point where it's a miracle she's maintained such a positive attitude; the very last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her and I feel as if, regardless of what she said, I've reached that point now. I just want to make things right, but I'm not sure how to approach her with something like this.
     
  5. bubbles123

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    When I want to talk to someone about something and I'm not sure I'll be able to approach them, I just send them a message asking if you can talk next time you meet.
    That way, it kind of makes you, plus the person will be ready to listen and there won't be distractions.
    Or, you could plan some time to hang out where you'll be alone, or there's some downtime.

    Once you tell her and get past that hurdle of nerves, it will make things so much easier. You'll feel very relieved and it will make it easier to talk in the future.

    In the moment you may feel like it's not worth it and think the worst case scenario, but just remember even if you can't believe it right then that its the right thing for both of you and it will be fine. It's better to be honest then to just give the other person a fake version of yourself if that makes sense, or to live in guilt.

    You've got this! It will be great! Just get out there and do it :slight_smile:
     
  6. smurf

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    If she told you that she would be okay with it from the beginning, she should be able to take the next conversation well.

    Like everyone else said, talk to her about all of it. How it makes you feel good, but also guilty. That you don't want it to hurt your relationship. That you aren't sure exactly how to proceed.

    For there future, if you want to be able to keep being open, it would be smart for you guys to talk about the "rules". Does she want you to tell her when you are with someone else? Does she want details? Does she want you to tell her before or after the fact?
     
  7. DRex

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    I was going to wait until we met again on Wednesday, but I was too worried to even get on with life until then and felt I needed some kind of closure. So I called her this morning and let it all out there.

    She wasn't angry or disappointed or anything. She was actually surprised that something like that had even happened, and told me she was happy that I felt I could trust her with knowing this. She reassured me that everything was fine, and we're still meeting again on Wednesday. I in turn told her that I would never do that again, and she said that I should do what I'm comfortable with, and if I'm not comfortable with it that I shouldn't. She also apologized for not being around much.

    So it would seem that everything is ok. I still can't help but worry that I've compromised our relationship though.
     
  8. bubbles123

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    It's great you were able to talk to her honestly about it. If you're still worried, talking to her more on Wednesday can probably help.
    Good luck!
     
  9. Inky

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    It seems to me like you might not be very comfortable with this relationship dynamic. I haven't read what the other posters have said, but I strongly suggest communicate how you feel now to your partner. She seems like a very understanding person from what you've said, so based on that I don't think you have anything to worry about.
     
  10. DRex

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    Well, we spent most of the day together and talked at length about the subject. I really did strain our relationship. I had told her that I would never do anything with other people while we were together, and I still let her down. Even regarding permission, she told me that I should tell her in advance before doing anything like this and make sure it is the best decision. Talking it through together, we both acknowledged that the end results of continuing something like this would be very negative; separating physical pleasure from emotional connection isn't very easy to do for me, and if this had continued, feelings would develop and I would wind up having to handle both sides of a poly relationship; something very difficult to pull off and which I would not be capable of doing.

    However, having discussed everything, we both acknowledged that I'd made a terrible mistake and that I had learned from it. We've committed to move forward from this and be aware of the dangers involved in trying what I did again. And with that, much of our afternoon together just proceeded like normal. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed each others company like always, and in the end I believe things are starting to improve.

    There is still the fact that I'm bisexual and she's asexual, and I'm not sure of the best way to handle that. We've acknowledged that many asexual people do perform sexual acts in order to please their partners, which could happen in the future, but for the moment, that's not an option. As I mentioned, she's trans and as such is very uncomfortable doing things like that with a body she isn't comfortable with. We have tried doing sexual things only once, and we had to stop after only a few minutes because of how strongly it was setting off her dysphoria.

    I suppose there is one solution, and although difficult it is in everyone's best interests. My girlfriend needs a body she is happy and comfortable in, and I need a girlfriend who is comfortable with herself. So really, things will almost certainly improve if and when she can begin transition; we just need to survive until then and figure out how to get that done.

    Either way, I think things are improving for now and a lot of my mind has been set at ease. Everything still isn't perfect and things still need to get better, but for now it seems like we're ok.
     
    #10 DRex, Apr 6, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2016
  11. DRex

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    I'm not sure whether this thread or this one about my trust issues in general is the best one to revive for this subject. I just decided on this one since it's more recent.

    Both my worries here and in the other thread are affecting this relationship and my life in general, and I think I know where it started. For about a month now, I've been increasingly worried that I'm losing my girlfriend. Every time we're together, things are great, I'm happy, and she seems happy as well. But when we're away from each other for any length of time, I get more anxious the longer time passes between us contacting each other. I worry constantly about whether I've done something to hurt her and find myself desperately hoping for some response, some sign that everything is alright. I have asked her about how she's feeling on a frequent basis and asked if I've been doing anything wrong, but in her usual laid-back, cool manner, she assures me that everything is alright and I feel better every time. Except then we're separated again due to life and work, and I start getting nervous again.

    This seems to have originally started in response to an odd dream I had a month ago. Many things happened in it, but the relevant part was at the end, where I was frustrated that I didn't have a partner, and then remembered I did have a girlfriend, but I had neglected her to the point where we hadn't even spoken for a long time and I had somehow forgotten her name! I woke up after panicking over that to the realization a that yes, it's alright, I have a girlfriend, and I remember her name with perfect clarity. But then doubts started to set in about "is she really that interested in you...?" etc. I felt a desperate need to contact her and find out if something was wrong then, and of course nothing was, but I've wondered ever since if there might be some meaning to that dream.

    This incident definitely did not help. I now have a specific and very serious reason to be afraid of losing her: I was supposed to be the one person she could trust and feel safe around, and now I fear I have destroyed that reputation and have become yet another person she can't trust. Asking her for reassurance, like before, doesn't really help (even though she's given nothing but affirmative answers) and I'm now anxious and depressed and find it difficult to enjoy life anymore when she isn't around to reassure me.

    From what I can tell, she seems just as committed to this as I do, and yet (due to a busy and irregular work schedule) she often goes for days without responding to questions about when we can visit each other and do things. I have asked if I've done anything wrong before and asked more recently if everything is resolved for her and if she still loves me, and the answers are always positive, but I still feel anxious over losing her and can't help but constantly wonder if everything is about to collapse at any given moment.

    Any ideas on how to move past this and get over it, or what needs to be done?
     
  12. A Mindful Wolf

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    I don't think you need to necessarily admit that you kissed a guy, but I think you need to discuss this agreement again and see if it needs to be reassessed, cos it obviously puts a lot of strain on you.
     
  13. DRex

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    I already admitted it, as I explained earlier in the thread. She doesn't seem angry at me or anything, and acts just like before, but my concern now is that I was already worried about losing her for other reasons before and am even more insecure about our relationship now to the point where I worry constantly and can't enjoy life when she's not around.
     
  14. OutofZCloset

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    I would have to agree with the poster above. Often times we want to confess to relieve ourselves of guilt but all we are doing is putting that burden on the other person. I also have found it is impossible to separate a physical and the emotional. Sure I could physically have a one night stand and not be emotionally connected to that person at all. Just keep quite and move on. But the problem is the guilt eats at you until it's all consuming. If if you share that burden by trying to be open the relationship is damaged forever. They may forgive but they never forget. It will resurface years later and be used as a weapon. Betrayal of any kind is hard to overcome. As someone said you learn from this and hopefully you two can get past it for good. Never betray the trust of the person you love EVEN if you were given permission. If you do you bear that burden alone as reminder to never do it again.
     
  15. DRex

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    That part isn't a debate for me anymore. I already told her.