I'm hurting and I just need to talk or advice

I'm going to try and summarize as best as possible. I had a crush on this person last semester that has since diminished quite a bit. I had only ever spoken to her once in that semester. I had asked her if she was gay, and she had said no.

By some great miracle, during winter break, I found her on twitter. I ended up following her, and she followed back.

I thought we would be friends. Like, FRIENDS. I thought she was a cool, sweet, friendly person. We talked through chat. I will admit I overstepped a boundary about twice in chat, but other than that, we spoke normally.

My life with her has been one strange coincidence after another. She ended up having class with one of my friends, and I ended up meeting with her again. (We're in college.)

During this meeting, I HAD NOT seen her coming from behind me, and she tapped me on the waist (I was bent over my bag, so it was not a flirtatious move or anything) and I turned around and lo and behold, there she was. We talked really genially and I thought she was okay with being friends.

Every time we have asked her out (me and my friend) after that, she has been unable to come with us, so then I started believing she was flaking because of me. But the two times she has been alone with me, she kept going, "I'm really happy!" Which confused me a lot.

However, I saw her again recently, and she was with some friends, and at some point she started acting like I wasn't there. Which of course, hurt my feelings. She stopped to talk with another friend, and I had walked ahead not realizing she wasn't behind me anymore. I turned around, waiting to say bye, since I didn't want to be rude. I went and stood to a side, and waited. It was, ultimately, really embarrassing because she walked straight past me. I still said bye, but I just felt like a complete fool doing it, and having waited.

She also talks to my other friend more than me. She's more friendly to him, but doesn't even seem to care for me, even though me and her have known each other longer (which is barely at all, and even less between her and my friend). I don't understand her feelings towards me at all.

I have my instagram on twitter. She followed me first. I don't understand her anymore. I don't understand why she followed and was acting really friendly towards me, but is just out of blue ignoring me. She likes and even comments on my friends pictures, but only likes some of my pics, and has never commented on any of them. My best friend suggested I was jealous of my male friend, but I know what I am feeling. I'm just sad. Really sad. I just wanted to be friends, but I feel like she is judging me or has deemed some kind of loser or something.

I also recently discovered she had followed this other bisexual girl, who unlike me, is clearly out to her family and friends. She liked a lot of her pictures, I think, including ones where the girl writes about how "queer" she is. I am out to everyone BUT family, and so I don't have any posts showing pride in my sexuality on facebook or instagram. I also do not have many friends because I am very pragmatic with friends; I keep people who I don't feel are toxic, and quickly let go of those who are. Therefore, my friend list is quite low, and may even make me seem like an introvert.

I feel like she is judging me from all of this, and also from the fact that I was quite antsy the last two times we talked, I think (I'm very stressed about school right now.)

I get depressed very easily. And this is depressing me quite a bit. Now that she talks to my friend, I don't know how to get her out of my life. She never responds/takes extremely long to respond when I message her. At first I just thought she was one of "those" people, who take long to respond. But apparently she responds on the dot if my friend messages her. Or so he says. Sometimes I think he fibs because I "chose" her over him last semester (which is a whole other thing) but apparently that's what she does. I only ever twitter message her as well, and he has her number, so he texts her, but I'm not sure if that makes a difference.

Either way, I feel very down. I like most of her instagram pictures, and a lot of her twitter stuff, but I generically do that for EVERYONE. Not just her. I think she might think my feelings for her are strong, but I also think she thinks lowly of me because of the way she interprets me as a person.

I wanted to ask her to hang out this Thursday. I have her on facebook and was planning on texting her through there. I mean, it would be nice if she would like to hang out (honestly, I just need to waste half an hour before I go to meet my friend, and she's the only person I know right now who has a break during that half an hour). And I was just hoping she would be okay with it. I feel like this will tell me how she really feels towards me.

I spoke to a friend today, and also my sister, and they both think I should do it, because if she doesn't respond through facebook, then she is most likely definitely ignoring me. But I just...feel really sad, and like I'm being played with, or even lead on, in FRIENDSHIP. Idk what to do.

And when I am depressed, I let things bother me a lot. I couldn't study properly for a midterm or write my essay for a while, that's how much these things effect me. Like I just think I'm a terrible person right now, even though I know I'm NOT, and even though my friends have reassured me.

I should also mention we have an age difference of about three years. She is 18 and I am 21. My sister who is the same age as her has suggested it is immaturity that might be causing her to cling to the idea that I am head over heels for her, when I would not mind being friends. And idk. I'm sorry, I just needed to rant.

This is also one of the WORST essays I think I have ever written, haha. It sounds so distant and alien. Not at all the way I usually write. I take it to mean she effects me pretty badily. As it is I'm tearing up right now. I know I shouldn't but it feels like she's attacking my character, and it really hurts. If she treated my friend the same way, I wouldn't feel so bad, but because she seems to treat him quite a bit differently from me, I do take it badly. I makes me want to hate her, but also I just want to understand how she feels. I wish she wouldn't do this almost leading on thing. And I don't know. Once again, I'm sorry for this rant, and sorry if it's all over the place. I just needed to get this out. I'm just really not sure what to do about her at this point.

 

I saw her today, by total accident as well, and I asked her if she was free to hang out. She said yes, and invited me along with her friend, so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

It so weird, because she patted me on the head as a form of greeting? And we haven't known each othe for long as all? But see, irl, she seems to sweet and eccentric, and yet online, I get this creeping fear that she's not really that way, and sometimes I feel like it's my depression that spurs it on, but I'm not sure? The worst part is that I feel so happy thinking she thinks of me as normal when we talk in real life; but then when all the fear start cropping up at home, I start going through this unhealthy cycle of euphoria followed by saddness...

BUT, thank you so much for responding! My feelings feel less invalid now, which is a good thing! (*hug*) I know it's not the best feeling in the world for sure, but I feel better knowing someone else can relate to what I'm feeling right now.

 

I'm dropping in to say it went really well. God, she's like me.

Before I go any furthur, I just want to say, thank you for reassuring me. I don't have many other people to speak to about depression aside from my sister. I rarely speak about it with my best friend because I'm afraid she'll judge me for it. And I know everyone's experiences with it can be different, but it helps knowing I'm not alone in the specific way I feel about things, like being ignored through text, etc. I'm thinking about going for my free school theraphy, but I'm not sure I'll be able to squeeze it into my class schedule....

Either way though, I felt really good after talking to her in real life. She's still very sweet and nice, and it made me feel great. I hung out with her and her friend, and she even shared a seat with me! Which reassured me that she's not afraid of being in close proximity with me, regardless of my sexuality. It was the greatest day I've had all week! I spent time with her, and then two other friends who I really like, and that definitely lifted my mood.

But, on another note, I think I no longer trust my male friend whom I referred to in my original post. His behavior towards her from the beginning should have been alarming, but I took it with a grain of salt. I do truly believe he is trying to use her to get back to me, by both attempting to pursue her, but also planting sad thoughts about her in my head, and of course that's making me upset. Not only am I mad that he would betray me like that, but I'm mad that he would try and use her like that. But I refuse to let it happen! I'm watching out for her now, and I no longer am going to believe everything he tells me. When I first met him, I felt that he had a bit of lying problem, and through our time together he has previously told fibs. But as I learn more and more about him as a friend, and no longer as the girl he has a crush on, I've found out he is extremely devious in the way he treats the women of his interest. He views me as a bro now and has revealed he had lied to women. He also bad talks the girls he's interested in, including the girl he is trying to use against me. Of course, on the other hand now, it hurts me to know that our friendship is just that shallow to him...

 

I feel like neither one of you read what I wrote...Or the posts that I wrote after that.

Thank you! She's interacted with me since then, and I do hope we hang out more after this as we seem to get along! This was the biggest plot twist of the week :lol: