I've been a member for a while, but recently this is something that has been really upsetting me and I can't/don't know how to respond to it. I like women. I know this, but I still feel like I must be faking it, or that I have acquired this idea somewhere along the line instead of liking women from the get-go. I went to a Catholic school until I was around 12 or so, but I can't recall them ever saying any homophobic things - aside from the complete absence of homosexual ideas. I didn't even know you could be attracted to the same gender until I was around 14 or so. And even then, it was taboo - a weird thing that only odd people felt. I am currently dating a guy, and he is very accepting of me and my sexuality, so I've been exploring it for the first time in my life (not doing anything, just considering, thinking, etc.) Sometimes this is met with lots of joy (I think: Wow, that girl is so hot! And I could DATE a girl like that?) but other times it is met with this kind of dread and self-loathing (My family would not treat me the same, my mother and I would never get along to the extent we do now ever again, I don't even know if these feelings are real.) A couple weeks ago I saw a lesbian couple out on the street and something just sort of broke inside of me. I felt such immense sadness that I was not experiencing a relationship with a woman (even though I am happy in my current relationship). Ever since then, I've been increasingly disliking myself for having these feelings. I feel like I am broken or as if there is something wrong with me. I will see a lesbian couple on TV or any of the Youtube channels I'm subscribed to with lesbians (because I generally enjoy them) and I just recoil and can't handle it. I can't look at them, can't deal with any of it. I don't know what's happening, but I can't talk to anyone about it. My boyfriend knows what's going on to some extent, but to be honest I don't want to talk with him about it because that just causes me more anxiety/frustration. I'm trying to convince myself everything is okay, but every time I remember what is happening inside my mind/heart, I just detach more and more. I feel so disconnected from everything right now. Also, let me clarify that while I feel like there is something wrong with ME - I don't feel like any other individuals who are homosexual have anything wrong with them. It is strictly a feeling I get towards myself. Does anyone have experience with this or have any sort of advice for me? I am just feeling so down right now.
I know how you feel. When i was younger, i kissed girls and all the usual lovey dovey crap. Pondering back, i remember the first time i was attracted to the same sex was through a video game known as crash bandicoot. I saw this character named crunch, and i felt a butterfly feeling in my stomach. It wasnt until a couple years later until i learned what it meant. Tbh, my realization came after i tried and failed with asking girls out. I was going by how society wanted me to act in those times. After the rejections, i pondered back to the thought of crunch bandicoot. It wasnt until the rejection that i realized how much i was attracted to men through my video game crush. I feel the same way you do sometimes; ias though you arent certain about who you are or what youve become. I tried to talk to my parents, but i was met with the whole grandkids crap. It isolated me from my emotions and made me feel alone. Maybe i believe i am gay because of the fact i didnt succeed with women. Maybe i am faking it. The thing you need to know is how your heart ferls. In my heart, i have known to an extent that i like guys, i just didnt notice it. Your heart will tell you the answer. Plus, i believe no humam can be completely straight or gay
I know how you feel. When i was younger, i kissed girls and all the usual lovey dovey crap. Pondering back, i remember the first time i was attracted to the same sex was through a video game known as crash bandicoot. I saw this character named crunch, and i felt a butterfly feeling in my stomach. It wasnt until a couple years later until i learned what it meant. Tbh, my realization came after i tried and failed with asking girls out. I was going by how society wanted me to act in those times. After the rejections, i pondered back to the thought of crunch bandicoot. It wasnt until the rejection that i realized how much i was attracted to men through my video game crush. I feel the same way you do sometimes; ias though you arent certain about who you are or what youve become. I tried to talk to my parents, but i was met with the whole grandkids crap. It isolated me from my emotions and made me feel alone. Maybe i believe i am gay because of the fact i didnt succeed with women. Maybe i am faking it. The thing you need to know is how your heart ferls. In my heart, i have known to an extent that i like guys, i just didnt notice it. Your heart will tell you the answer. Plus, i believe no humam can be completely straight or gay
I'm in a very similar boat. I also went to religious private school/homeschooling until high school, and homosexuality was just never talked about. My family is mixed when it comes to homosexuality, and I've never been told - by my family - that gay equals bad. However, I've recently started to question my sexuality. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but I think I'm going through what you're going through - internalized homophobia. When I see two women, like on youtube, kissing, I feel weird. A part of me wants want they have, but another part of me completely recoils. As long as I can remember, feeling anything too "masculine" has made me feel icky inside - I don't know if you experience this too. I think that, for whatever reason, my instilled gender-roles for myself as a girl has created internalized homophobia. No idea if my ramblings help at all, but just know that you're not alone. It isn't imperative that you figure it all out right now. I've been struggling with this since January - probably longer - and I'm learning that just accepting the feelings I feel, regardless of my angry inner voices, is the best way to understand myself. Good luck!
I'm in a very similar boat. I also went to religious private school/homeschooling until high school, and homosexuality was just never talked about. My family is mixed when it comes to homosexuality, and I've never been told - by my family - that gay equals bad. However, I've recently started to question my sexuality. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but I think I'm going through what you're going through - internalized homophobia. When I see two women, like on youtube, kissing, I feel weird. A part of me wants want they have, but another part of me completely recoils. As long as I can remember, feeling anything too "masculine" has made me feel icky inside - I don't know if you experience this too. I think that, for whatever reason, my instilled gender-roles for myself as a girl has created internalized homophobia. No idea if my ramblings help at all, but just know that you're not alone. It isn't imperative that you figure it all out right now. I've been struggling with this since January - probably longer - and I'm learning that just accepting the feelings I feel, regardless of my angry inner voices, is the best way to understand myself. Good luck!
You sound a lot like my internal monolog. It's been hard coming to terms with my own situation. What sucks is I have a marriage I have to deal with when I find my courage to let the world know who I am. I've found a roller coaster of emotion but I've learned you can't continue a lie because it will just make life more and more complicated. I'm just started my journey now so I don't have any advice with how to come to terms with yourself because I'm not sure how I will either but I can say start the process of being true to yourself so eventually you can be true to the people around you. And remember your not alone and your not broken.
The last guy I was seeing, I went along with it, how I thought things were supposed to be. Then I went away to a weekend event that attracts a very liberal crowd. There was a striking lesbian couple who I was so jealous of, I couldn't stop staring at them and I got to know them a little. Something about being surrounded by such a lgbt-friendly crowd, and feeling so deeply drawn to the couple, that just screamed at me that I had to end things with him. He was convinced I'd met another guy there because I'd just suddenly flipped- and I couldn't tell him the real reason. Which I guess was that I realised I'm meant to be with a woman... I felt more just observing them than I had with him
Yes. This is happening to me right now, too. Be assured, you may be sad and confused while you make up your mind and explore what could be yours. Maybe (?) this sadness is triggered by the fact that you want a relationship like the one you saw, maybe they did something you don't do with your boyfriend. Anyway, take it slow and easy and don't rush things. I hope you feel better soon, hope I helped (probably didn't, sorry, but I tried :icon_bigg)....anyway, just take it easy and think about what you want in life and your relationships. Oh and with the homophobia....just try to integrate LGBTQ people into your life. Meet them, observe they are lovely, regular people (most of the time, all of us have unpleasant moods sometimes. LOL). So just try to recognize that LGBTQ people are...well, just people, and they are just the same except for who they choose to love. I mean, does loving a person make you different?
I too have encounter internalized homophobia and it was so depressing. I decided to seek professional help and made an appointment with a gay-positive sex therapist. And he recommended that I seek out gay support groups and socialize with and to come out to other gay males. Once I did that it was like an immediate rush of acceptance and happiness about being gay. I now have many gay male friends and have been dating and have met a very interesting man that I have become quite romantic with. I'm not completely out of the closet yet but getting closer every day. I hope what I wrote helps you and if you like to you can message me privately.
