Are you still married after coming out?

In my situation where a) I came out as gay, b) sexual activity in the marriage decreased, and c) we had other incompatibilities in the marriage, separating was the obvious choice.

Personally I don't understand why a gay man would want to stay in a closed mixed-orientation marriage once he has gotten to the acceptance stage, except for extraordinary circumstances. Doing so to assuage guilt or to avoid disappointing others is so unhealthy for both you and your spouse. Your life will get better once you get past the painful period of coming out and all of its aftermath.

I'm assuming that you are gay, since that's what you have listed under your user name. My perspective gets more nuanced for bisexuals.

 

Brian

I went into therapy and learned a number of things....including my tendency to take care of everybody and I resented taking care of every aspect of the marriage. So, my issues with resentment went far beyond my sexuality. But, it was definitely a trigger issue.

My wife and I are working on intimacy again and having sex (TMI here) a couple times a week and being more creative with it. So, my sexual needs are, mostly, fulfilled. There are still issues that we are working on.

But, I am bi...probably a Kinsey 2 ish. So, my intimacy needs CAN be met with a woman. That said, I do not want to have another episode like this one again. I am coming out to my wife in a couple months (there are some life issues complicating things short term). I am going to ask her to consider a, somewhat, open marriage. If she cannot deal with that, I am fine with it as long as she understands my needs. That understanding has been missing and it almost caused irreparable damage.

Being gay, your situation is a lot different. But, some of the mechanics are the same. There can be no misunderstanding of what both your needs are or it will explode at some point...probably sooner than later in your case.

I don't recall if you indicated having any gay experiences when you were younger. While mine were limited, I did explore a bit. So, I don't feel like I need to validate my same sex attractions. If you are just discovering this attraction I would guess the urgency to explore this part of you could be consuming.

 

Hi Brian,

I see that you started your reply before my last edit to my post. Here's the final version with the changes in bold.

I was trying to define a true north reference point, albeit rather poorly, that you have a chance of real happiness after you work through this. Given that you are still processing your feelings about being gay and potentially ending your marriage, it's unlikely that you are at the acceptance stage. As a result it's natural for you to have doubts and reservations about your course of action. I had similar reservations after I came out.

I have a few quick thoughts to help you think about things.

1) I very much love my wife and son.

While you love your wife, you'll be able to love another man even more because you are gay and have genuine sexual and romantic attraction towards other men. I'm able to love my son even more after coming out because I no longer need to hide anything.

2) Financial, with her out of work at the moment, just can't afford 2 households.

While it's important to consider the financial implications of separation, sometimes couples have to get creative. In your case I believe the financials impact the timing of separation, not the decision to separate.

3) My son and I are the only family she has. Nobody else she can turn to.

I agree with Nickw that as gay and bisexual men, we often have the tendency to take care of everybody except ourselves. By staying together, you would be denying both her and yourself of the chance to find authentic, fulfilling love.


It's great that you and your wife are both going to psychiatrists. Hopefully they can help you both find your way on this journey.

Hopefully my clarifications have helped. If not feel free to ask for more clarifications. It's OK to be direct with me if you think I'm off the mark.

 

Brian

I find this statement problematic:

It is going to be very difficult for you not to blame your wife for the loss of this relationship. I don't know how you move forward with your wife with something like this hanging over you. Especially, considering you don't have a lot of male friends or develop bonds easily with other men. It seems that you have decided that you are willing to give up a large part of yourself to appease your wife.

Siennafire mentioned how some of us take care of others to the detriment of ourselves. And, possibly, to the detriment of those that we think we are protecting. One of the things I did with my wife was to ask her to take some responsibility for our sex life and to take care of me during my health issue. She was completely taken aback that she wasn't doing this. Overnight she has been working on this and I can see it is making her happier.

Your sexual orientation is not your fault. It is not your responsibility to make everything right in the world because you "brought this on". If you choose to stay married (your question in the title of this thread), the responsibility in how that looks is both yours and your wife's. That includes sharing in a solution that allows you to be fulfilled.

 

Hello Brians34 and everyone else, I am happy to hear that for most of you your wives were/are very accepting, I have a friend where his exwife is also very accepting and they continue to be friends. In my case (which I have written a post on here about it) it is not like that at all, and it didn't end well either, and to this day my exwife hates me and has turned my kids against me. but maybe it is because I did go behind her back and cheat on her with a guy, I don't know. So for me it was not a good idea for me to stay with my exwife, we don't even talk unless its about the kids... maybe. But Brians34 everyone on here is giving good advice. Remember YOU have to be happy.

 

Hi Brian

Welcome to the beginning of a very scary and emotional, but also exhilarating and enlightening time in your life!

My coming out journey started 3 years ago, and I hope my story shines a light on another possible outcome.

I was married for 14 years back then - 37 years old, married to my high school sweetheart, 3 kids, very successful career - but severely depressed and feeling like I wanted to end it all. Like all the little boxes I was supposed to tick on the road to happiness were now ticked; every day feeling more alone and empty and miserable.

It was during a vacation that it all came to a head and I told my wife. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. Just before I told her I said, "What I'm about to tell you is not going to change how I feel about you, but I know it will completely change the way you feel about me." And it was so true.

During the 3 years since we have never stopped talking, even when it felt like we were talking in circles. I have loved this woman since I was a boy, and my goal throughout has been to ensure that she knows that I will always be there for her and support her.

For the first year I saw a therapist once a week (I had some childhood issues to deal with that complicated my coming out journey) and it really made a world of difference. Once I started feeling more settled and able to comprehend my new reality - a reality I was finally willing to face - my wife started becoming very depressed. So for the second year she saw a therapist. If I had to do it all again (and thank God I never have to! ) this is something I would do differently - have us both see our own therapist from the beginning.

I came out to my Mom a year and a half ago, and to my oldest son about a year ago. It was only over the recent Easter weekend that I told my two youngest children. Along the way I have told some friends and colleagues, but I have never told anyone until I felt comfortable enough to do so. My biggest fear was being cornered at the "office water cooler" and asked: "So I hear you're gay? Is it true?", but luckily that never happened. I told everyone I wanted to tell when I felt comfortable enough to do so. Don't feel pressured to do this until you're ready. Hold onto this bit of power - it can lend a lot of calm in these stormy times.

About 2 years ago I met a wonderful man via an internet site. I only started looking for a date / hookup after I told my wife - before that I was just too confused and afraid to even consider a relationship with a man - for the longest time I just thought I was straight, maybe a bit bi, and only looking for NSA with guys. Here is the real crux of my post: I know many guys at the beginning of this journey feel they can never be as romantic / intimate / loving with a man as they can be with a woman, but I can assure you this is completely untrue. The way my boyfriend makes me feel, the intimacy, the connection, the sexual chemistry - I could never experience that with a woman. Over many years I had convinced myself that I would never have that "hollywood" love, that passion, that desire, but I was so delighted to be proven wrong. It has been one of the greatest blessings in my life to discover that this kind of love existed - that all those books, movies and love songs were actually true and that this is what inspired them.

It may be that you are a true bisexual and that you are equally attracted to both genders, but my reality was that it was very difficult to keep two partners, one male and one female. I tried for a while to still be everything that my wife needed me to be and to also make time for my boyfriend too, but at some point I had to think of myself and what I could handle. And what I needed to make me happy. During my first visit to my therapist I told her how scared I was that the end of my marriage was going to hurt / damage my children and she told me one of the many truths I have discovered on this journey - she said that if I was fine and if my wife was fine and if we were able to talk to each other, then the kids would be fine. Throughout all of this we have kept this as our goal and the kids are more than fine - in actual fact they are thriving and they know every day how much they are loved.

I have to live my truth. I have to think of myself. These were the most difficult lesson to learn, but the most important. Without disadvantaging or disrespecting my ex-wife or my children I had to find my happiness. If I didn't I wouldn't be here now!

Brian, you are braver than you know for telling your wife and you will discover strength in yourself you never knew existed. Believe this. My journey is still far from complete, but it has been the journey of a lifetime and I cannot wait to see what possibilities await me. To really feel excited about my future again is awesome and you deserve to feel that too. BELIEVE.

Best wishes, BIGayDad3

 

Brians34,
I understand where you are. I came out to my wife about three years ago after a long bout with depression. We have never considered divorce as a solution and I know the articles you mentioned. They make you feel like staying together in a committed relationship is not possible. When my wife brought up such articles, I told her that the authors did not know us and we can make it. It's not always easy but we love each other and we want it to work. What IS different is that I no longer have the shame and guilt that tormented me for most of my life. I know God made me as I am and I wouldn't take away my homosexuality because it would completely change who I am. It's taken years to make that statement. If you enjoy reading, pick up "Urgings of the Heart" by Wilkie Au. It is brilliant. I wish you and your family the best.

 

brian,
I too fell in love (perhaps infatuation) with another man. There was nothing physical between us but he really took advantage of the situation as he knew I was attracted to him and I bought him many expensive gifts. It was as if I was going thru all the adolescent bullshit and I was 52 at the time! I found out later this is pretty normal for those who come out late in life. I thank God my wife was patient with me as I made my journey to acceptance.