I am so glad that I found this forum. I am at work at the moment getting ready to head home, but earlier I got a phone call from my wife asking if I just posted a comment on "this person's" facebook page. Hell, I used my regular facebook and not my fake. Anyway, now it's time to go home and face the fire. Now I will introduce myself, My name is Brian, I've have homosexual feelings since I was about 16, with all the controversy, I figured it'd just take the right woman to change those feelings. Well, I met a woman when I was 34. We dated a while and when I was 36, we got married. We've been married for 16 years now. I'm not going to say that people's sexual feelings won't change, but mine didn't. After many months of being married, I knew that these feelings weren't just going to go away, but I wanted to make the marriage work and sought counseling. It never went away from me that I wasn't the right one for her, but I didn't want to let go. The feelings in the bedroom slowed quite drastically after a few years of marriage. We do have a son together, he is 14 now. It doesn't really feel like the bedroom slowdown was entirely on me though because she has never shown a large tendency towards sexual encounters. We hadn't been sexually active for years now and things had never seemed to show with her, other than when she would talk to friends or coworkers and say something strange they'd ask if she might be pregnant and she'd say I can't because I haven't been exposed. Anyway, I never wanted to cheat on her and never did get with another man, but I would visit gay porno sites to take care of my cravings (some may feel this is cheating, it's up to opinion, but I was never physical with a man while we were married). Everything had seemed to be ok until a couple months ago. I was visiting a gay site and noticed it had a chat room. I decided to go in and check it out and found a guy that I became attracted to. Being able to see someone you're attracted to on a gay site and watch a video is much different than on a gay chat site. I have developed an attachment to this guy and hard as I may could not break free from him. We'd chat all the time, I got his KIK name as well as his Skype and we chatted all the time, although neither of us knows the other's true name. Well that changed today, he texted me and said he had just put a book on his facebook advertisement page and wanted me to read it and see what I thought. So I went to his facebook page, read his writing, then added a couple comments. I never even realized I had signed in with my real facebook account. That's when I get the phone call. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't really know what I want to happen. When I first got into this a couple months ago, the emotionally attachment I had with this man was so much so that I had thought about suicide because I felt trapped. With such a strong bond that I feel for him, I know I can have it with someone else and I would really like to move on, but I don't feel my wife would be able to support herself at this time. It's the support that makes me feel so trapped, if I felt she could support herself somewhat, things might be easier. I want to be there to support her in every way. Problem is I don't think my salary alone can support 2 households. Well, it's my time to be off. Sorry so long. It's about time to deal with everything and see where it all falls. It's so hurtful knowing what's coming, I knew someday I would screw up, (not just 16 years ago) and today is my screw up day. I don't know that there is enough encouragement here to help me. But I wanted to tell my story hoping that getting it off my chest might help a little. It hasn't yet.
Hello there! I'm going to move this over to the LGBT Later In Life sub-forum for you. I know there are a lot of members there who are married, or who have been married - and can empathise with you situation (not that we don't all empathise!). I think you'll get more views and helpful responses there, than here in the Welcome Lounge.
(*hug*)Welcome to EC, and I think this forum, later in life, is a very good place for you to find support. I'm sorry for the struggles you've been going through. And for the painful way of having it all come to the surface. Keep sharing here and read others' stories. You will find a lot of people going through similar struggles here.
I can really empathize. My life has followed nearly the same circumstances. I never formed feelings for a guy outside of my marriage (which I'm still in), but the rest is very, very close to the mark. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in finding yourself in a difficult marriage spot, especially the support part - our house, health insurance, our son's sense of well being, etc. is at stake if/when I make an exit. It's a lot to have on your shoulders.
You're not alone. I like many on here are in your exact situation. I'm working on my plan to finally come out and live my life authentically. Delayed by similar circumstances: family, finances etc. Let us know how things go. Wish you the best.
Well, we had our talk last night. Right now, everything is on hold. We are going to go to counseling and see where we stand after that. For now we are going to wait things out and see how they go.
Hey, Brian. I'm new here, too, and I'm glad we both found this forum. I think it's really admirable that you care about your wife as a person even if she isn't sexually/romantically your type and that you want to make sure she's ok no matter what. Maybe you shouldl think about saying that in your counseling session, that no matter what happens you want to make sure that she's safe and has what she needs, and that you want what's best for her. You're going to be ok. We are all going to be ok.
Hi Brian! I'm sorry you're in that position. Financial matters can really complicate things a lot. Does your wife not work at all? Is there some way you can support her in getting her career back on track so that she'll be able to support herself in the future? You might also want to consider a less traditional arrangement, e.g. sharing a household but dating other people. Of course all of this would depend on your wife being on board, which of course she might not be. I think you should focus first on her getting past the initial shock, then see how things play out.
Cake, that's what I believe is the best also. She isn't working full time, she is subbing this year. Hoping she can get back to teaching next school year. We're going to go to counseling to see where we are and what will be best for us.
Brian, I'm going to suggest getting a copy of "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding and accepting yourself. There are a couple of chapters on the process of working through being heterosexually married, and I think a lot that will probably be helpful to you. Also it's worth talking about the stages of loss, which everyone goes through as they process any sort of loss (in this case, for her, the realization that you're gay and that it likely means the end of her marriage.) The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. The stages aren't always sequential (people go back and forth) but everyone goes through all of them before coming to resolution. It's helpful to understand this because it gives you a lens to understand how she may behave during the process. This is a difficult time, but both of you will get through it, and I think over time you'll find that both of you can end up happier and better off than you are now, even though that may be difficult to see right now. I definitely think that starting counseling is the right choice and I hope you find a great counselor to help you. Keep in mind that counseling a married couple in this sort of situation is one of the more difficult ones, and it's crucial for the therapist to be able to maintain absolute neutrality (which isn't easy.) It might take a couple of tries to find a therapist that both of you "click" with but that's going to be important to finding resolution for the two of you. I know a handful of therapists in several different cities in Texas, so depending on where you are, if you need a referral, let me know and I'll see if I have anyone in your area.
Brian, In a few months you will appreciate that your wife discovering your posts was probably one of the best (and most difficult) things to happen in your life because this began your journey towards living authentically outside the closet. Difficult times are ahead for sure, and there's also a more genuine life awaiting you. I came out several months ago, and I'm now happier and more fulfilled than I ever was while in the closet because I'm no longer hiding myself from the world. You can also get to that place with the love and support of EC. Hang in there. (&&&)
Cake, at the moment, she is feeling positive that a counselor will be able to fix everything. I don't want to lead her on, but I really need her to stay positive for now until we can get things under control. This rug was a really tough blow, she would never go for the open relationship like what you had mentioned and I know if I brought it up, she would want something to happen right away and I don't see any way we could possibly be ok splitting right now. She has no other family other than a half sister and they aren't extremely close. I must be here for her right now and take care of her, I so much love and care for her. I have to sacrifice at the moment what I believe is right until I know that she will be ok. When we talked that night, she said she didn't want to be married to a room mate. Once she gets back to working, I can recommend a split and see how things go. I don't know how I'm going to word it, but I'm somehow going to bring it up to her that she should feel comfortable to start dating and try dating and see if she can find a special someone. I know there are some reading this that probably want to tell me to be completely honest with her and let her know that there is no way this could possibly work. Believe me, I want to do just that. I want to rip that band aid right off and let her move on, but there is no way right now that can happen. I had had so many feelings that came out after I found that chat room. Feelings I didn't even know I had hidden so deep. Had I not ever entered that chat room, my life would still be going just as "normal". A couple of weeks ago, I had to go out of state for training for my job. A week or so leading up to that trip, I had searched ways of suicide. While on that trip, I had actually started putting a letter together, I did some research and found that she and my son would be covered by my life insurance which would have made them a very comfortable living for quite a while. I had everything set up and everything ready to go. I wouldn't be at home, I wouldn't have to worry about them being the ones to find me. I told her about what I had thought about and what all I had done. She and I cried a while and she told me that would have been much more devastating for my son and her than what we are going through right now. I'm going out of state for the last time this week, suicide is not even in my mind, I want you all to know. I do wish I could reach out to all those that are in the closet like I was contemplating getting married, thinking the feelings would change. Believe me, you can wish all you want to, you can make all those hopes and dreams, but the feelings are going to always be there. Trust me, you don't want to live many years with regrets and feelings of self-loathe because you know that person across from you could be so much better off with someone that would have that magic flame for her/him and it takes you so much effort just to feel that tiny little spark. There are some on here too that may completely disagree with me, but my word of advice is to seek out personal counseling about your feelings before bringing someone into it without them knowing. It's not worth it trying to hide your "lies" behind a license, it truly isn't fair to the other side of that license when you are hiding such a lie. I don't know what else I could say here.
Brian, no judgment at all. I can understand wanting to take things slowly when you know your wife is vulnerable and still getting over the shock. Just take it one day at a time. I know that splitting up can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, but you'll get there in the end. And while I'm not naive enough to suggest that this is going to be a walk in the park for your wife, it sounds like it could ultimately be the best thing for her as well. She deserves a chance at living an authentic life as well, painful though it may be to get to that point. I wish you both well.
Brian, It sounds like you are doing a great job. I'm very proud of you. It sounds like you are being honest with yourself, and that's really good. And, it sounds like you love her in a very real way, albeit not a sexual one, and I admire you trying to get to the point where both of you have your needs met. I don't know what your insurance situation is regarding counseling, but... I agree with the person earlier who said your marriage counselor needs to stay neutral. But, if you could afford for each of you to go to individual counseling as well, probably with two additional therapists, I think that could help you both a lot, and help your couple's counseling time to be more productive. But, most households don't have an extra $650-1200 per month to spend on therapy. So, that's a thing. I'm glad you are here to process your end of things. I wonder if there is something ike a PFLAG or something around where she could process her end of things. We know how toxic holding secrets inside can be. It might be good for her to talk to someone other than just you about this and feel like she has your support in that.
Kat, that is a great idea. I should have thought about finding a forum for her too. I have this forum where I can tell my side and she is left hanging. I am so glad you brought it up, I feel so bad not thinking about it. I will post in another thread and see if anyone has any ideas.
