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Drowning...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tscott, Mar 23, 2016.

  1. tscott

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    I've not posted in sometime about six months on this forum...some may or may not remember me. I don't even know what I want from any of you. This past January I'll have been out two years. I am 62 and without family with the exception of cousins. Up until my ex got engaged and made plans to marry things between us were amicable. they are now strained and distant. She wants to return to mediation. This seem like more of an effort to humiliate me as anything else. Due to being on workers' comp. for half a year I am looking at the possibility being without housing or income for two months. I am looking for a summer school position ideally and a friend said they might be able to take me in. I'm in debt resulting from the divorce and handling my own money for the first time in 25 years, which I'll admit to being a bit pathetic. I've been in hospital three times, since the beginning of the year and have been fighting a number of illnesses. I see a shrink and have a church. In a nutshell, I don't know how I'm going to make it. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Really

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    Why does she want to return to mediation? Is there anything more to work out? Is this strange? It seems strange to me. Are you able to get some legal advice before you go to this mediation about negotiating a better deal for yourself? (A local university with a law school might have a drop-in clinic where you could get advice.)

    I think anything you do to make sure you're not on the defensive would be the way to go.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Hey scott,

    Well this is a surprising and unfortunate series of events! I'm glad you are reaching out to us, just know we are here to listen, first and foremost!

    I have resigned from being on staff due to lack of time, but still around for the odd response.

    What does she want to obtain from you through mediation? What can you expect from her? If she is getting married, any support from you will need to be reduced.

    You are going to make it, period.

    It's impossible to deal with the next few months, so instead, deal with today and what you have to do today. It's good you are seeing someone and getting help, keep that going as long as you can, and milk it for all its worth.

    As for money, separate your fixed expenses from your variable expenses (fixed = e.g. rent, variable = e.g. food), once you make that distinction, and you have identified your "disposable" income (any money over your fixed and variable expenses) you will find managing money to be a lot easier.

    You will make it!
     
  4. biAnnika

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    ((((((((((( Scotty )))))))))))) (Yes, I remember your name is Tim!)

    I'm so sorry things suck so much right now!!

    Now...your ex is *engaged* and *wants to return to mediation*?? One would seriously hope that if she agreed to an engagement, then she isn't seriously wanting to get back together with you...or is she (and the engagement is bullshit drama)? Or am I missing the point of mediation here? This doesn't make *any* kind of sense to me, no matter how I slice it (attempt at humiliation or otherwise).

    In any case, I agree with Mr. Whale above that you will make it through this (at least, if you so Will)!
     
  5. Chicagoblue

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    Perhaps her new man has conspired to bring you harm. So sorry for you. Hang in there Mr. Scott. Its darkest before dawn.
     
  6. tscott

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    Thanks for your concern and kind words of support.

    What she wants out of mediation is as follows:

    1. What are my plans for my youngest over the summer.

    2. Revisiting the terms of visitation so the are more clearly defined.

    3. The division of the remaining jointly held goods.

    The first is to humiliate me due to my desperate financial situation. I am looking at declaring bankruptcy, and I am going to have to find some summer job. As I've no clear vision of what will happen, it was my desire to sort this out ourselves, but it looks as if everything needs to be formalized.

    The second point is about enforcing the original plan when for a year or so this has been a flexible arrangement. I have one activity outside of church, the gay men's chorus. she has said she resents the chorus and believe it is more important to me than my children. That little poison frog hurt like hell. The guys are my new family, yes, but my kids come first. I requested days be switched to accommodate certain dates, but not without ensuring that I double up on weekends. we rehearse one night a week and have a one day retreat before the concert that is really nothing more than a giant rehearsal.

    3. This is a kicker. It hurts my honor. I asked for one valuable item and now everything is up in the air. Originally, things were left in the house to stage it for sale. She's now keeping house. I really just want my things and my mother's. Yes, there are some wedding presents I want that my family gave us, but they are few. I have been more than generous as most of furniture was purchased when we bought a house and had it furnished using an inheritance of mine. I requested this item, but I didn't demand it, and my world won't be shattered if I don't get it. If I have to fight for what's mine that's one thing, but not the joint stuff. Hell, when she wanted to give me a valuable watercolor, I reminded her my mother gave it to her before she died. I might not be so generous this time around.

    The fiancé is someone we both knew from the church we attended. He's has been very pleasant to me and, at times, even sympathetic. One doesn't know what happens when the doors close though.

    I'm a people pleaser who is just beginning to assert himself. I'm working at not being a cocker spaniel puppy who constantly rolls over on his back and wets himself. I don't think my ex likes not getting her way from me all the time.

    I am looking at bankruptcy, which according to my accountant is not the worst thing that could happen. It goes against many of my principles, but one can only hold those principles one can afford; I recall a philosophy professor stating at some point.

    Yesterday a friend said to me, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." So I'm trying to regroup. I've got a call into an attorney to get some advise. Up until now my ex has been my beneficiary, now I see the need to redo my will, financial and medical POA, DNR, etc. These are things best left to a trusted friend. My ex and I are estranged from my eldest daughter, and my other children are too you to handle the responsibility.

    One big blessing. My accountant isn't charging me for doing my taxes.
     
    #6 tscott, Mar 24, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2016
  7. BMC77

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    I don't think I'd say "pathetic." Divorce ain't cheap. And that 25 years away from handling money takes a toll. Prices go up. Your standard of living may have gone up during the years of the marriage, and it's hard to readjust. I've hit hard times myself, and I know just how hard it is change budget realities.

    I recall one of my father's gripes about my mother being the way she handled money. He apparently felt the savings account should be bubbling over with stashed cash. I was never directly present for any of their discussions (arguments? fights?), but I know it was an issue. I suppose he probably saw his income go up regularly (both with yearly adjustments, plus a promotion here and there), but didn't recognize that the cost of groceries, electricity, etc also went up. Sometimes possibly more than his income did. When he hit midlife crisis time, he left my mother, and was faced with managing finances for the first time in years. And from what my mother said, he suddenly had a lot more understanding of how expensive things were, and how hard it was to save money.

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2016 at 05:35 PM ----------

    There is real truth in that one can only hold the principles one can afford... Trust me, I've found that out. Two yeas ago, I had a much better diet than I do now, including heavy emphasis on organic, which I would tend to argue has some ethical merits. Now, however, my budget is terrible, and I've had to make many compromises. Survival for the moment is a lot more important than ethical concerns (although I still pay attention to those as much as I can).

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2016 at 05:41 PM ----------

    One practical issue with avoiding bankruptcy is that it would seem better for one's credit rating. However, I know someone who ended up with a massive amount of debt who took the "high road" and arranged to have a special payment plan. I think arranged through some credit counseling service. And guess what? There was a hit on her credit rating, which caused some problems. She said she wondered why she'd bothered taking the high road right about that time.

    Of course, circumstances vary. Talking your situation over with someone with some expertise, who can study your particular circumstances, is a good idea.

    One other warning. I'm not sure if this is the case still. But I heard many years ago that there were credit card companies that would actively try to "sell" credit cards to those who'd gone bankrupt. One cited reason: one could (at least at that time) declare bankruptcy only so often... So even if they got stuck with someone doomed to repeated bankruptcy, they'd have a period in which they could soak that person with sky high interest...