It's sad, I've always found ways to cope with everything that was thrown my way. A certain inner strength that allowed me to see the good and positive in everything I faced, no matter how dark things became. Somehow this is different, I simply can't find a way to cope with everything that has happened since I came out. I sometimes just think to myself how I simply have no idea what to do, I have no idea how to dig myself out of the hole that I have dug for myself. I just want to live and feel the world as if I am apart of it, to stop sitting during family meals and feep as if there is a huge void srretching between myself and my family. The last few days have been so sad as I stopped feeling it, my body became nothing but a vessel again, something that I just want to free myself from. I don't really believe that I will ever be able to change it as it feels so wrong, it is a guys body and how can it ever be anything else. I tried to start HRT but I was faced with the harsh reality that I live in a country with a fairly undrrdeveloped trans medical system. I was given medication that I don't feel comfortable to take because it is a banned topic on a trans forums because of how dangerous it is. So then what do I do? I have the tablets sitting there in my draw and they were my hope, something that helped me keep going for months and they Re useless to me. Who do I turn once the system failed me in such a way? Maybe I am.just finding excuses and I am too afraid to take the medication? Maybe I'm just letting myself down by choosing not to take them. I want it so much but my family doesn't support my decision, I still live with my parents and how can I move forward without their support while trying go cope with the uncertainty inherent in the medication that I received. I'm also afraid to go to a support group maybe because I don't want to make this real, I don't want to feel that this is a part of me. I am scared of living and of letting go of mh defenses, of just letting myelf becoming apart of a world that feels so frightening to me. It is so much easier to continue hiding, to not face the reality of my situation. If only things didn't hurt so much, I could go on living, find a partner and live a happy life, with children and stability. I would stop feeling so alone, I would stop feeling as if I need to face horrors just to live. I would stop feeling the sadness that plagues my soul now and I would be able to stop feeling so empty and so lost. I just want to be free, to stop feeling the walls closing in on me from all directions. So another day passes and I remain lost, a year, two, it goes on and on and there is nothing but the same emptiness. That's my truth right now and I wish that it would be over already. Sorry, I just needed to share. :icon_sad: Eveline
Hmm... I think I need to start living the life that I imagine myself living. I am letting my life pass me by because I am so afraid of connecting and of thinking of myself a person. I'm letting life pass me by and giving in to the dysphoria, runninv from it instead of gritting my teeth and just living. Of course, easier said than done. :icon_redf
We've long since established that the starstuff we're made of was probably from the same star, given how similar in mind we are in so many ways. I totally understand, I really do. You're not alone. I heard it in an anime of all medias; "Once you've gotten to know another person, you can never be truly alone again." Your family is extremely confused, as your actions so violently shake what they knew as reality. But that's a good thing - change is natural and often necessary. I know feeling empty is hard. You feel like you really don't know what you're doing most of the time, like a stray wanderer in a lifeless desert at dusk. (Btw, you bring out the artistic side in me, sorry. <3 ) I just want to say... All your pain is just as real as the ground you walk on, and there is meaning in it, too - you learn much about yourself when you go through challenges like this - all you have to do is try your very best not to trip yourself up. Practice self-compassion as much as you can. And know that the future is just as open for you now as it was when you were a child. It's up for the taking - you just have to keep on moving. (*hug*)
im so sorry you are having a bad time. I can completely relate to almost evwrything you say. (replace boy by girl and girl by boy and we are done) i know how depressing this may feel. I feel it too. You can feel the weight of gravity pushing you down. But its ok. Hopefuly you have started the wonderful and super interesting journey of your transition. Its interesting how you meet someone online who is fully one gender and you form a face for this person, but then you come into realization that this person does not fully look like their gender, but rather like the "opposite". Mostly, we look likd the opposite gender but if you look deep into those peoples you can actually see their real them, and even if your body looks like its not real, it its. But it is a body made for you to sculp it and make YOU, been able to be seen by the rest. Good luck with your transition, Eveline. Im sure youre a girl with strenght in her heart!
There is something a bit sad to me when my words resonate with others because it means that this is real and others are also feeling this way. This shouldn't be real because of how unfair it really is, that so many find themselves in such an impossible situation, facing such a steep wall to climb to just feel like themselves. To face this while struggling to cope with rejection and judgmental remarks by others who don't understand. It hurts to see others, people that I care about facing the same rejection that I felt but they are so much younger and they simply shouldn't have to carry such a weight with them as they try to grow up and establish themselves as individuals. I do feel a bit better now and both of your replies did help me. Thank you so much. (*hug*) Eveline
Today I came up with a thought among the lines of "surviving is not the same as living". You only have one life and it is on your hands what you do with it. also it's your life, not anyone else's. Imagine your future when you are old, are your parents are not there to judge you anymore, what is it like? are you satisfied with your decisions. The things worth the most are not on the easy path, because if they were everyone would do it. Sometimes we need to do things we aren't 100% comfortable doing and be brave in order to get the things we want, for example removing a band-aid, cutting off sugar, standing up to a bully.
