How I figured out my orientation (My Story)

Hi friends Just thought I'd share this here in hopes it will help someone. I've been out for a few weeks now, and let's just say, while it's not rainbows and unicorns, life seems to have opened dozens of doors of opportunity.

Bit of background: I'm in my 20s, female, Canadian university student.

(I'll try to make this as brief but informative as possible! Sorry for the length.)

1. I remember, since I was a very young child, asking my (Roman Catholic) mother if when I grow up I'd have to marry a boy instead of a girl, and her telling me yes, you have to marry a boy, and just feeling sad and disappointed. I quickly shelved the feeling, and for the most part of childhood didn't know what being queer meant and didn't really care.

2. Around ages 9-12, when the other girls started talking about boys and crushes and how cute they were, I basically had no idea what was going on or what the hype was. And when people tried asking me who I liked, I simply made stuff up to fit in and "made" myself like certain boys to feel "normal."

3. I went to a vigorously-academic high school and was thus very focussed on my studies as a teenager. So while all the kids on TV were busy getting dates to the prom, my high school experience was quite unusual in that there was no dating culture. I didn't feel pressured to date, nor was I particularly interested.

My teenage years were good, though. I had good relations with my family, and I developed a wealth of hobbies, such as playing multiple musical instruments and learning board sports. I also started writing novels around this time. What I lost in dating experience I gained in academic/professional experience and pursuits. I learned very early on what I wanted to go to university for and become (an author).

I also finally learned and understood what homosexuality was in high school thanks to progressive teachers who made sure us students were well-rounded. I learned the concept. Understood it. Accepted it. But again, had little to no interest as I didn't think it pertained to me.

4. Enter university. I graduated from a high school of approximately 500 people to enter a university of approximately 40,000 people. Suddenly, my world seemed so much bigger. I decided I better get started on the whole dating thing. My parents met in university without dating anyone else but each other. Surely I could do the same.

5. I developed some petty crushes on various guys I met. But being shy and introverted I never showed my interest and eventually they'd hook up with another girl. I'd get sad about it, but got over things completely pretty quickly (in the matter of days, at most weeks).

6. I had little to no luck dating. I turned to apps like ****** and met guys there, but the chemistry was never right—we'd become friends at most. Around this time I started really getting into screenwriting and television and as everyone knows, LGBTQ representation in recent years has progressed immensely. I watched everything from Willow and Tara in BTVS to Piper and Alex in OITNB and remember experiencing an intensity of connection with these same-sex couples I had never experienced before watching straight couples. I'd see their storylines and think: that's what I want to feel; I get this.

7. So I started questioning. Really questioning. I looked back at my adolescence and it just made sense. The first "crushes" I had as a young girl towards older girls in older grades were exactly that—crushes! I just didn't know it was what it was when I felt stuff towards other girls. I also tended to migrate towards gay people for friendships, weirdly enough, like we were all drawn to each other... Gaydar, perhaps? Anyway, these, and other factors, made me seriously consider the fact that I might be gay after all.

I had no problem being gay. My parents, though of a religious background, are generally liberal and progressive. I live in one of the most leftist cities in Canada where intolerance is considered a heinous crime by the general populace. I'm very lucky, actually.

What I had a problem with was uncertainty. I knew I was romantically attracted to women, but to be honest I was still physically attracted to men. I likened it to an instinctual "programming" that I wanted to have sex with men and reproduce...but not enter into a loving relationship with one. That I believed I could only have with a woman.

I went through so many labels trying to figure out what the hell I was. My closest friends thought I might be asexual. I thought I might be a homoromantic heterosexual or pansexual or something like that...and the more complicated it got the more frustrated I got because at the end of the day, I just wanted to get into a relationship with someone and share my life with them. That was all I really wanted (and still want).

8. Then I went to the UK for a semester of studying abroad. It was the first time I lived alone away from my parents, and in another country to boot (I live at home to go to uni to save money). It was a time of discovery, exploration, and many firsts, but again, no luck in the dating game. Then I fell hard for a girl.

It's a long story, but the general gist of it is: I asked her out (the first time I ever asked anyone out), she said no, and the rejection hurt me way more than I expected. I was miserable for a long while. It was because I had never felt such strength of emotion for another person—it was then that I realized: this is it. This is the stuff that songs are made of! The reason poets write sonnets and painters paint portraits! This is the THING that everyone has been talking about all the damn while..and I finally found it. I finally figured it out!!!!!

9. So even though I got rejected, at the end of the day, I learned something very vital about myself and I'm glad what happened happened.

Because what I did was open myself up to the possibility and accept whatever may come, and just feel. Stop thinking and just feel for once. Nature took its course, and I finally let myself feel what nature had intended me to feel all my life. It took more than two decades, but it was worth it.

I came out to my parents shortly after. They're probably still mulling it over because it's still a new concept to them, and in our family we just don't talk about dating and sex, but they're accepting at the least and I'm giving them time. I realize that I am super lucky to live in a safe place and have supportive friends that don't give two damns about my orientation. I'm also lucky I have plenty of queer friends whom I can lean on and learn from. As for dating I'm still a little frustrated because I've never so much as held hands or kissed someone before, but at the same time I only just come out so it's actually natural I'm behind schedule!

My biggest advice, I guess, is to surround yourself with people you love who love you. This may be hard for those of us who live in places that are less accepting, but as Ellen Page says in Gaycation, there are gay people everywhere. You can't escape the gay!! I trust that you'll find a community where you are that will accept you for who you are.

And you are so much more than LGBTQ+. For me, being gay is only a small fraction of who I am. I am also a person of colour, a writer, a musician, a dog person, a Mac user, a Pisces...

You are worth so much and you are so loved, and I promise: things do get better! The world is rapidly changing. It IS your oyster! And at the end of it all, I hope you find love

 

Glad you enjoyed the story! Yeah it's a feeling that, despite being indoctrinated with romantic movies and songs from an early age, we really can't understand until we get there.

For me it was both an intensity and a completeness of feeling. Like something within me had been "unlocked." Before, I'd only be physically attracted to a person, or emotionally, or intellectually, or aesthetically, but this time it was everything mushed into one. Simple. You know you've fallen for someone when it happens

Yeah, I too was raging jealous and heartbreaky for a while, and it takes a while to get over, but eventually I did and realized I could feel the same sort of attraction towards other people. It might be difficult to believe at the time, but feelings like this don't just happen once in your life. We're human beings; we were made to feel.