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its so tough to make LGBT platonic friendships

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by dwelefan, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. dwelefan

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    It seems like in the LGBT community that it is really hard to make quality friendships. Most people in this community only seem to want to be your friend if they have some sexual attraction to you . That is fine, if you are seeking sex or a relationship, but I am talking about platonic friendships. There have been so many times when I would try to befriend a guy that I am not attracted to and they would get mad because I don't want to sleep with them. I have a gay friend who I am not attracted to nor am I attracted to him (also, we met at a basketball tourney), but he only will hang out with me at a gay bar when he is half drunk and does not keep his promises to me when he says we will do other things, but with his friends that he is sexually attracted to he spends more time with them and they do a variety of activities. I don't mind going to the bars sometimes but my friend will try to introduce me to his friends at the bar and they turn out to be people who never want to interact with me outside of the gay bars. .I hate meeting people at bars!!!!!

    I live in a big city so I know there have to be other gay or bi people who want to hang out somewhere other than a gay bar or who just want to be friends and not be friends with me because they want to get in my pants, but these people are really hard to find. I feel like friendships based on sexual attraction tend to fade after a while anyway.
     
  2. guitar

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    I can see this being an issue, and it can get complicated between gay males for several reasons. One of the biggest being a lot of men have issues separating the feelings of friendship from something "more." Also, because of how men's sex drive tends to work on the average, we tend to go after more partners with shallower relationships (on average, certainly not in all cases, and there is data to back this up - men and women want different things in relationships and have different sex drives). So there tends to be a sense of "you're good looking, I'm good looking, why can't we just blow off some steam?" I feel like - at least for me - once a guy has passed into the friend-zone, it's hard for me to look at them as a potential partner.

    With that said, I have several gay male friends and a few bi males and lesbians that I've become friends with over the years and it's purely platonic. None of us are trying to get into each others' pants. Honestly, it's basically how I am with my straight male friends, except we can talk about guys. I think having grown up with several gay friends sort of normalized having platonic friendships with other gay guys for me in being able to separate friendship from romantic interest.
     
  3. crazydiamond

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    It's complicated. Most of my gay friends are men and I'm very comfortable with them because, as a lesbian, they have no attraction to me nor I to them. But I have one friend who is hopelessly hooked on another friend of mine, to the point he gets moody and even very angry when the other friend attempts to start a relationship with someone else. He's told him that he wants to be just friends and nothing more, but he just can't let go.

    I don't have many lesbian friends, because they all just seem to hook up with each other all the time and that's not me. I get it if you find mutual love with a friend and it becomes a relationship, but hooking up with friends is really tacky in my opinion.
     
  4. AlamoCity

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    I remember reading that certain STDs affect the black community unequally because of the insular nature of the group in dating relationships (i.e. Most blacks date other blacks and because the group is so small relative to the general population cross-dating between people in this community is almost necessary and STDs flourish; I also read women were especially hit because black males were disproportionately incarcerated and diminished the black male dating pool and STDs were even easier to spread to women as the ratio of free male to females was lopsided.

    How does this apply to gays? We are a small minority that can only date within our own group (for obvious reasons). As such, it is harder to find a gay guy (or lesbian) to date and almost every one we find in the wild is treated as a potential mate. This increases our vulnerability to STDs (in gay males; due to mechanics, I believe I read lesbians as a group had one of the lowest STD rates). It's also harder to see other gays as platonic because single (gay) people would like to be in a relationship and update their Facebook status and have cutesy Instagram pics.

    It's late. Pardon if I offended anyone with my jaded world view.
     
    #4 AlamoCity, Mar 17, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2016
  5. wolf of fire

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    I have the opposite of this: my friendship group is basically an LGBT club and I am forever alone.
     
  6. Rydia

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    Most of my friends are straight, because most of the people I know are straight, but my two closest friends are both lesbians, though we became friends before any of us were aware we had that in common.

    In general, a lot of people are more focused on trying to find someone to date than making new friends, particularly once you get into the age bracket where people are starting to get married or pair off into long-term relationships.
     
  7. ForNarnia

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    There aren't that many LGBT people where I live, so I guess it's only natural that when you finally meet someone like you, you feel some desire to be with them, even if the only reason is 'because I can'.

    In my experience, if/when either party tells the other that they aren't comfortable with this and they would rather keep the relationship platonic, they are pretty respectful of that.
     
  8. EpicConfusion

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    This is true. It's extremely difficult to pass STDs through non-penetrative sex which, if I may speak for lesbians, is what generally happens. Also, semen is really good at transmitting STDs particularly, and that is obviously not present, as well as the fact that lesbian women are by far not as promiscuous as straight people or gay men.


    It's definitely hard to make platonic friends. Every gay dude I've ever met IRL I've tried to date. Now my gay best friend always hints that he wants to have sex with me even though I've made it as clear as possible I'm not into him that way.
     
    #8 EpicConfusion, Mar 18, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2016