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I feel stuck..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Mar 11, 2016.

  1. Orchidea123

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    I feel stuck.. at a standstill.. with myself, by myself.
    Playing with colors here,
    Need encouragement please..

    Hetero as if nothing happened, with my husband, him pretending I never told him about liking this woman.

    Distant in love with her not to make any more ripples caused by my revelation to her, even though she said she is fine with it.

    Secretive in my feelings and perceptions, every day asking myself what is it like to be in close relationship with a woman, to have her and to please her.
    But not just anyone - probably someone like her.

    Completely Robbed of chances to ever try out earlier in life, never suspecting I'd want a woman in my life.

    In my early 40s, trying to stay and feel young, knowing everything runs it's course..

    Sometimes looking in the mirror, appreciating my body, for an imaginary girl.
     
    #1 Orchidea123, Mar 11, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2016
  2. baristajedi

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    Hi Orchidea(*hug*)

    It sounds like you're really struggling.

    I don't have a lot of insight but I'm happy to try to help you tease out what you're going through.

    Why do you feel stuck right now? Is there something emotional that's blocking you? Or is it related to your husband's response?

    How long has it been since you opened the dialogue with your husband? Maybe he's in denial. Is he generally supportive of you?

    Does the woman you're in love with feel something for you too?

    There's not a lot we can do about lost time. I feel that regret too, but I'm starting to get past it. Maybe it just has to pass on its own, give it time.

    Hugs to you.
     
  3. Orchidea123

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    Thank you Barista(*hug*):slight_smile:
    These are all great questions and maybe I should be asking myself more questions too..

    There is absolute zero dialog with my husband. When I told him about liking a woman he was mad, upset, verbally and physically abusive. Last civil conversation about this ended with him saying " if you are a lesbian(attracted to her) I will divorce".
    I assured him I was Not.. and was not attracted to her anymore.

    I feel tied - if I ever open this subject with him, I will be on my own (suicide for everything I dreamt and worked so hard for).
    If it wasn't for kids, maybe I would be braver.
    So, stuck there - can not see any change in the future.
    I am on my own in my thoughts, worries and dreams and can not move an inch.

    As for her, I honestly don't know. I am slowly getting over my feelings for her (trying to, at least don't feel nervous when I see her), but I still have no clue what she is thinking, what she is all about romantically and sexually (bi, straight, les, trans, asexual, none of the above). She told me she is not interested in me romantically.
    I'd like to believe her, but maybe bargaining now: I've felt sometimes that her words do not match her actions.
    I can not push for those conversations with her because they are very personal, because she is not interested in me romantically, and because we do not talk (avoid each other).

    I know, from my perspective, I am intimidated by her, so I feel more comfortable avoiding any talk. I think she is fine with it too.
    I really would have wanted it to be the opposite, but I am stuck. She is not opening up offering her friendship, so I can not do much.

    I am stuck because I am thinking there is someone out there, a woman who may care a lot for me, but I will never get to know her, because in committed marriage and not free to date.
    If I got into close friendship with one, I suspect my husband would be very upset and suspecting something all the time.

    I am stuck because I may never get to explore my sexuality.

    In general for me personally, being stuck or tied down can be very detrimental.
    Someone telling me what to do makes me cringe(even if it's something minor)
    So this situation is slowly pressing on me, if I eventually don't see room to breathe I
    suffocate and run.
    For now, I just feel stuck..
     
  4. Thirdtimecharm

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    Orchidea123,
    I am with you friend. I am in a sim situation. I feel stuck...sometimes held captive by myself mainly. I am married, have two younger kids. My husband new prior to marrying me that I had feelings for my best friend...he just thought the were sexual and well to him, being a man, he thought it was "hot." He has always been about my "liking women" when it works for his benefit. When we fight he too becomes ugly, abusive, has called me a lesbian, dyke, and even so far as told me that he wants to be married to someone who likes c***. Yea. He said that.

    I have other issues with my relationship: my husband has anger issues and issues with being a bully to me. My new found embracing of my sexuality frightens him, and I think scares him as well. He asked me a few months ago if I will ever come out one day to him and i lied. I said no. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I love women. My connection, everything is so much stronger with them. I have little to know experience with relationships with women. But in my gut I know that I like women better. I think I always choose to label myself as bisexual by default....Bc I was married to a man and liked women. I had to be bi right? I can say now that there is a slight chance I might be bi with a strong preference for women, but I think I'm my heart I truly may be a lesbian. Saying that still is difficult for me. I am not ready to fully embrace its definition and apply it to myself openly. I am still in a process of discovery. What I know is that having an emotional relationship with a woman (I do have one now) is absolutely vital to my existence and feeds my soul. She feeds my soul. I never knew that a relationship with a woman that reciprocated the same feelings and kindness and love (I have had my issues with women over the years) is amazing and freeing and feels so good.

    It's a long story.
    But there is nothing like loving a woman. And that I have decided I need ....I require for myself for the rest of my life. What that looks like now and what it may look like twenty years from now I don't know...but I am along for the ride.

    I'm here to talk if you ever need an ear...I have been through a very similar situation to what your going through.

    Hang in there my dear...
     
  5. Icecold3710

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    Hi Orchidea123,

    why don't you write the pros and cons if you want to stay with your husband and weigh things, only you can decide on that factor. For your friend, why don't you just give her space and don't think to much about her. Try to divert your attentions to other women (just pretend that she doesnt matter to u now), who knows she will see or realize your worth once you don't give her that much attention. Change is what u need to have rooms for a new and better ones. You take care. (*hug*)