Do you ever get over your first gay love?

Iam still friends with him but we were never in a relationship, we love eachother but we both like girls as well, when we hang out we hook up sometimes.

 

You may not want to hear this, but I have never "gotten over" any love I've ever had (and I've had more than my share). They all haunt me to some degree.

Yes, with most, I see why it could not continue. With all, I see why it was not ideal. But no love is ideal (and I say this while being *utterly* thrilled with the woman with whom I've spent the past 30 years). And no love can continue. It is the nature of the Universe that everything comes to an end. But it is also in the nature of the Universe that everything is cyclic. And so I continue to love and to mourn lost love. To wish I could have had more. To celebrate what I do have.

Life is long and full of wonder, pain, and ecstasy. Drink in your pain...it's not going anywhere. But when you find love once more, your pain will become more manageable. Not gone; not even less. But more manageable.

 

I thought the same thing about my first love; that I'd never get over it. It has been more than a year, and I think I'm over it. Sometimes, something makes me think of him and I feel something. I don't wish him ill, but I sure as hell don't wish him well. Mostly, I reminisce on lessons learned and how I will never be the person I was in that relationship ever again. And that is good. I hate the me I was. I'd hate him for making me that way, but I honestly don't think he had the self awareness to realize how he manipulated me. It'd be like hating a fish for not being able to walk. And I never want to admit that I gave anyone the power over me to make me anything. This is about you and your question, however.

I don't think it is bad to remember how nice it was to have a feeling of safety and home linked with another person. The feelings that you had and miss are something you know you want. Now you know some of the things you need in a relationship. You also know some of the things you can't have by seeing what went wrong. The could have beens are tough, but to have been that way, one or both of you would have been different people. My ex and I could have been great if I was a different person, or if he was. I'm enough of a hopeless romantic to believe that most people deserve and will find someone who will have all the "needs" and none of the "can't haves".

So, my advice is to mourn. Mourn the relationship and what you hoped it'd be, what you though it would be. Take your time. Reflect and see the good and the bad. Take care of yourself while you do it. You deserve to be healthy and live a good life, even if it isn't what you want at that time. One day you may realize that you are thinking more about the younger you than your ex. And I think that is what they mean by having moved on. The story is about singular you again, not plural you.

*Note: I'm bi. I didn't think it really mattered if it was the first homosexual love, just the first love.

 

I'm with BiAnnika on this one. If you shared something important and meaningful why would it go away? Why would you want it to? I'm still friends with a lot of my exes despite having been with my husband for eighteen years. There's a picture of me and my first love in our living room. I once tried to take it down out of respect for my husband and he asked me not to. He said he loved how happy I looked in the picture and knew it was an important time in my life and he would prefer it stay. Actually he's come to be pretty good friends with quite a few of my exes. They're part of my life and so is he. If you shared something special look off into the middle distance and feel wistful from time to time. There's nothing wrong with that. The fact that it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real.

 

Now that I am in a loving relationship, I can understand very much how this could play out should it end (and it is always a possibility). Given my understanding of that possibility, I am engaging in this with a sense of deep friendship and common purpose.

Having learned a few things about relationships, I am deliberately keeping some distance between us in these early days. He and I both understand that, although we miss each other when we are absent from each other, this also forces us to think clearly about how we feel and to maintain our sense of self.

There is no getting over an intense love, but one can control to a certain extent how that love evolves so that, come what may, whether it lasts or not, there will be the memory of a beautiful and lingering friendship, with mutual respect, that endures.

 

I believe you don´t. But you do get over the feeling that not having them in your life is going to be the end of the world.

It´s a sweet memory and a nostalgic ´what if´ that stay..

 

My 1st gay (1and only so far) relationship lasted a year. I didn't know it could be like that....
I still think of her, wonder if she's happy. Certain songs take me right back to her, that time.
It was me that ended it, but it took me a long, long time to get over her.

 

I think that these earlier so-called loves were often crushes, so it's important to discern whether or not it was love or a less mature type of infatuation. Yes, I got over them. It was almost always that the person possessed an intriguing quality, or a few of them. So, while I got over them, I still remember that quality, or those qualities, especially if of a visual sort.

 

The first woman I fell in love with I met when I was 14. I have loved her ever since. We don't have any sort of relationship right now and have not for three years and the intensity has weaned a bit but I still love her. Always will. Can't imagine a time in my life when I won't love her....difference now is that I don't long for her as I once did. She will always be a part of my heart.

 

Probably not - I don't want to at this moment as I am typing.
But very often I do want to completely forget her. It hasn't been long enough yet..

I'd like to think that if nothing happens between us, it is not going to be in this lifetime then, maybe in the next one.
I love her dearly and can not imagine if I never met her.
Some time in this universe it may happen, and I am at peace with any outcome in this lifetime.
Again, I sound zen, but who knows

 

Yes that person is always going to be Special because Thry were your first boyfriend they know things about you that no one else Do so it makes it feel so real!

 

My first girlfriend I regret letting her go, but I wanted to move cross country. So I never got over her because she was nicer than any other I have dated thus far. My 2nd and 3rd both proposed to me then cheated on me and that hurt me so deeply I haven't gotten over the betrayal. I dated a few since, but didn't love them and finally just gave up on dating. So I guess you could say I didn't get over my first loves and the first gf I think of often how she even complimented me for being so neat because of being intersex and therefore 'different'.

 

Yes, based on my experience I believe you can. I believe closure is very important. But sometimes getting closure and getting over your first love might a) be elusive, b) might take a lot of time and c) requires some soul searching on your part.

It took me more than 10 years to find total closure after my first love. Had I been more comfortable with myself at the time, I might have found it much sooner.

 

I *thought* I was in love with other married men twice, but then I met HIM and everything was different. I thought it would last forever, but then almost a year ago :
his wife figured it out
he panicked and bolted to save his marriage and his family
I went into a deep, suicidal depression
came out to my wife as a result
and now I'm trying to pick up the pieces with her because she is irreparably damaged by my physical and emotional infidelity
he is long gone
and I just exist from day to day.
I hope that one day I will get over him, but at this point I doubt I ever will.

******
i see you
your comments
your likes on our friend’s FB page
every time
it’s like a razor
a gut punch
you haunt me
my thoughts
my dreams
why
fucking why
these months last year
the happiest the most complete the most fulfilled
of my life
and you’ve now been gone more than twice as long as you were here
the thing is
i knew
i knew you would break my heart
from the beginning
i knew
you would destroy me
and i let you
i fucking let you
because that’s how much
i love you
still

*****

j’essaie de ne pas me laisser envahir par
la mélancolie
m’efforçant de
ne
pas
penser
à toi
lorsque
les images les souvenirs les odeurs tout tout tout fucking tout me rappelle de toi
en fin de compte je
ne peux
m’arrêter de
rêvasser
des premiers échanges de la première rencontre de cette aisance naturelle du premier baiser cette connaissance intime inée que nous avions que j’étais certain que nous partagerions pour
toujours
l’un
de
l’autre
et
je me demande si
toi aussi
tu
as parfois
ces mêmes pensées cette même nostalgie ce regret
de nous

 

Yup, that pretty much captures it.

 

Hi Nostalgic Loft,

I believed that you will in time, when you find your true love. For me, what matters is who will be the last person in my life.

 

It does take time. The first guy I ever met I fell in love with, we hung out all the time, doing things we both enjoyed, this went on for a good 3 years. He ended up moving say for work. It took me a while to get over him, we still talk via Facebook. We have ended up being good friends. I know everyone's first lve does not turn out this way but mine did. Keep you head held high, it takes time.

 

Yes. After a year, I couldn't imagine why I would ever like him.

 

No, you never do