Im completely confused if I'm straight or not

That happens to me ,I get urges and thats when I have to have relations with guys, It sounds like its stronger with you though, and I believe its because you never went that route.You may need to explore that side, it will help you figure out where your orientation is.

 

Its possible but then you need to find your trigger, something to bring you back to that place of passion and desire that has faded

 

See i still get those emotions with women and i dont feel they will go away. @ john

I'm just wondering why im getting so aroused by the thought of being with a man. Maybe it was always there? Maybe i triggered it when i started watching tranny porn. At first i was like no , im not about this life. So i shut that down for a while but i found myself going back to watch and eventually i started watching gay porn. Then at that point i was like what the hell? Now just the thought of having a guy i feel very aroused. It maybe bc i never had that experience ? But these emotions are way too strong and i feel i may enjoy the experience.

 

John im no expert at none of this but i've always had a high libido. With my experience with women it depends on our attraction to each other and chemistry in the bedroom. In my life , only two women have been amazing. I always remember them.

Just by imagining being with a young attractive guy, im aroused. So maybe you do have low libido. Or maybe you do need to give it a try with a guy like azreal suggested. Maybe you will get aroused more easily. Or you havent had the "one" awesome experience with a woman. Again im no expert!

 

I feel that this isn't an issue of sexual orientation but more of a compromise on your identity. Your body isn't vague on its feelings, whether for women or for men. You know how it feels. However your mind has expectations, perhaps expectations that have been constructed and strongly ingrained in you over many years that went unchallenged. Visions of a heterosexual marriage, maybe.

Think of it as a rebirthing experience. Try to embrace this part of you for the moment, it's the only way for you to discover if what you feel for men is truly genuine. Let go of the labels, the implications of "what they mean" or worries about your sexual orientation/identity. You don't have to experiment or do anything drastic. Just feel how you feel for the moment, you would have nothing to lose and only to gain. You say you are lost but by expressing these feelings you are on the right path to questioning and understanding yourself. I really wish you all the best.

 

John,

just take it day by day. Have u tried talking to a therapist? My family is catholic and if they ever find out I'm interested in guys, i think they will not claim me anymore. They definitely would harass the shit out of me. But im taking all these feelings day by day. Being able to express myself on here is priceless and when i go to bed i think and analyze things. Once you figure things out, theres life to live! I have had suicidal thoughts plenty of times and i still do but that's not the answer my friend!

 

It is possible to envision a future where your faith and your sexuality doesn't have to be at odds with each other. There are people in the LGBT community who shares your faith I am sure. In any case, any deity of good would never want you to harm yourself over something which you are naturally born with. I understand it may be hard to accept these truths about ourselves, but give yourself time and a chance. Please don't be too harsh on yourself. These feelings are natural and you've done nothing wrong.

 

OH MY GOD.
You've scared me.
Really. You're describing EXACTLY what I've felt during these 2 years.

I remember I used to count how many guys or girls I judged sexual attractive when I was hanging out. Just because I wanted to understand if I was more straight or more gay. It's a silly thing, but I'm sure you can get my point.

I always had crushes on guys and when I met/meet someone who showed/show a sort of an attraction toward me, I started/start to flirt as a consequence. Even though I didn't think I would have a relationship with him. I don't know why I act in this way with some guys, but believe me when I say I totally understand your point of view.

During my adolescence I felt something toward two girls - the first one when I was 14 and the second one when I was 17 - but I didn't get those attractions at all. I wasn't used to think about gays or bisexuals people, also because I knew they exist... but somewhere, in an undefined place far from me. and I thought I was straight.

I started fantasizing on having sex with one of them (actually even with two, three, four girls at the same time... LOL) later, but for me there's a big difference between what you think and what you actually do. I mean... I also like fantasize on orgies and on other stuffs, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'd enjoy them.

Anyway...
When I was 20 I had my first homosexual experience with the girl who is now my girlfriend, so now I identify my self as a bisexual woman because what I imagined ("How could it be having sex with a girl? I think it could be very interesting...") corrispond with what I had experience actually and I rather say it's even better because I am in love. And this is the weirdest thing to figure out, because I thought I would have never been able to love a girl.

What I can tell you is trying to not overthink about this matter, because is useless.
And I know at the beginning is almost impossible, but try to stop those thoughts when they start growing in your mind.
And "stopping" it isn't a synonim of "hiding", because if this thing make you feel anxious and uncomfortable you have to understand it more.

By the way, I'm curious to know a thing.
For you... would it be a problem founding out you're bisexual/gay?

 

I lived a period, which lasted almost 1 year, where I thought I was a true lesbian, because I didn't feel anything for guys in that moment. And then I had the confirmation that I'm not lesbian, but bisexual. Just to say life is complicated sometimes and it always changes the cards of your interior game.

Back to your answer, now I can understand more your struggle and the reasons that inhibit you.
I think the last two are the biggest ones, because you're talking about topics that have strong cultural roots and they're hard to remove. But the point is, would you like to eliminate them? Because in the last part of your message you said you prefer "to live in complete celibacy", so I guess the answer would be "No" again.

So I want to ask you another thing, but I hope it doesn't sounds too rude... if it was so, I hope you would apologize me:
If you are sure about the fact you won't neither have relationship with men nor give up your fear of hell because the religion has an important rule for you, why you're so worried?