Dating and Coming Out: Which one first?

Hey Thereishope (love the optimistic username!),

While there's no one right answer given how different each person's situation can be, here're my two cents for what they're worth:

I tried the online dating route before coming out and, for me, that essentially meant always "sort of looking behind your shoulder" as there was this nagging fear of being "outed". This essentially meant a lot of faceless (in my case fully-clothed) profiles, conversations which started off nicely and then petered off, too many fears and worries and "what ifs". I wouldn't say it was a complete loss because I made one friend out of that (he was struggling with being in the closet too) but looking at the hundreds of messages that went nowhere, I'd not say that it worth the time put into it.

Fast forward to the present, I'm out to a few people and have been trying the online dating bit again albeit now with a more upfront "this is who I am, this is what I look like, and this is what I'm looking for" approach. Factoring out the different ethnicity bit (as I'm a sharp minority in the area where I live, and I'm assuming you might not be), it's STILL a very steep uphill climb IF you're looking more for a friendly-relationship-before-sex kind of thing. Most people on apps and such are essentially looking for hook-ups. I'm glad to say I HAVE at least found a few people I'm now friends with (but not anything more) through these apps and sites but it still takes a lot of time and can very frequently be severely disheartening. However, when I've talked to other (white) people, even they report much the same experience except perhaps with a higher rate of success in getting to the "first meeting".

I'd be keen to see what others say but the "dating first and hoping to come out" scenario is a risky one because if you're not out it's going to knowingly or unknowingly color your entire dating experience. You might be overly careful or fearful or worried or cautious and that can be a very big mental strain. If you're out to at least a close family member or friend that can help. Does it help having other people to crib to when you're let down by a handsome fellow on such a site or have a bad date? Sure! But only upto a point. Because after a point in time you're going to have to navigate the dating landscape on your own.

As you mention, you're out to your therapist. Maybe that might suffice?

Good luck

 

I've been in your shoes about 3-4 years ago. I wasn't out yet I signed up for online dating. I went on a few dates with several guys. It didn't materialize but I got to meet a few great guys, one of which we're close friends to this day. Anyways, getting to meet them really built my support network and allowed me to normalize the gay experience and being around people who were out. I won't lie and say I wasn't scared to death of getting recognized on a date.

I will say though that dating while closeted is very hard to do. For one thing, your dating profile will be out there. For another, it's likely the person you go onba date with will be out and expect the same of you (if not eventually). It creates a power imbalance and puts the other person in an awkward spot: do they tell their friends about the date?

My first relationship with a guy lasted about 6 months and we were both closeted. As such, we never fully realized ourselves as true boyfriends. We hung out a lot - our families knew us as friends - texted all the time, etc. But we couldn't really get friendly with each other's family, really start to consider a future together, or be together in public under no pretenses of being straight.

After having been in an LTR I was basically out, and he out to everyone, I can tell you the out relationship was so much more satisfying and fulfilling. You can't truly have that in a closeted relationship.

Anyways, sorry, I don't really have a proper answer. There really isn't a right one: some people want a relationship before they come out (a "reason" to come out) others want to be out in order to build a stronger and more open relationship.

 

I have never used online dating and I would not even suggest using it in the first place. However, I would say it's best to come out first before you try dating of any kind. Like the above posters said, it's very difficult trying to be in a relationship while also trying to hide that relationship. It's especially not fair to the other guy if he's already out but you're not. It's too risky if you ask me.

 

I'm in the same boat. I've been questioning/in the closet for a few years and I finally was so sick of hiding that I joined a dating app and now my profile is out there. I chose the label "queer" on it because it feels less scary if people I know in real life saw that over "lesbian." But personally I kind of wish I was out while trying to date b/c I'm still nervous to even talk to other girls/get things started. I still feel like I'm hiding behind a wall while all these other people are out in the open. So I say it's more stressful and scarier to date while in the closet, but like you said, it feels more active to at least try to get out there and not let being in the closet totally get in the way. And also like guitar said, we can potentially make friends that will help us in the coming out process. Wish you the best !

 

I've dated while in the closet, but I guess i cheated a bit because she was in another town where I could be out with her and no one know
For the first time, I'm going to be out with a woman in my own town, and it's just a little scary tbh. I've started coming out, but in general no one in this town has a clue. So it's a very big deal for me.
I think, for your own sake, you need a few people who know, who you are out to, just to ease the pressure on yourself and remove that fear.

 

I just recently started using online dating apps. I personally think it is an okay place to start. Some people are able to go from being completely closeted to completely out without taking any steps in-between, which is amazingly brave and awesome, but I think that for many of us it doesn't happen that way. For me, coming out has been a process.

I'd like to start moving forward, but I'm not ready to shout it to the world yet. I don't think online dating is really very successful for starting a romantic relationship. It's possible, but it isn't likely. That being said, as others have stated, it can be a good place to make friends. I would suggest it as a first step. I've already found myself feeling frustrated with it though.

If you do decide to start out that way, remember that you are putting your face out there for others to see, and there is always a chance that you will run in to people you know. Just be prepared for that to happen, make sure you're ready.

Best of luck

 

I'm a member of an Aussie dating site and while there have been a few flakes (one in particular) I've made a few friends on there, and I'm dating a woman from there. I was very skeptical about anything happening from that site but I've been very pleasantly surprised. Note I say dating site, not app. It's one exclusively for women, which excludes troublesome males for the most part (the occasional one joins hoping to catch himself a lesbian but they don't last long lol) it also has the advantage of being able to pick and choose who sees your photo.

So don't write off dating sites completely but be very very careful. Check reviews first.

 

Hey, I see you got your answer already though, i like to put in my two cents. I was also in that situation when I first tried online dating, I wasn't exactly more open about myself and tried to make myself seem appealing (I was still in high school). It was definitely stressful because you have that constant worry about someone finding out about you being gay. I managed to find a few guys, but compare to now, it was pretty damn creepy! I was focused on one goal and that was sex, to be honest. it made me more aware of these stuff. When I did come out, I was more out there and it gave me more options and offered a lot more than I could credit for. It's a lot better then when I was back inside. It's your choice haha. I agree with most of these peeps have to say. You might find it weird at times because you'll see people that you might recognize and never know about.