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Fell for her again..feeling miserable.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Soulstone, Feb 23, 2016.

  1. Soulstone

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    Hello everyone,
    My situation in short version - I am bisexual woman, married, with kids and am in love with my long term friend. She positions herself as straight, but I have a suspicion she is a closeted lesbian. We have been friends forever, but some years ago we got drunk and had sex..It continued in on/off mode for years while we both tried to figure out what is going on. After a lot of soulsearching I have come to terms with my sexuality and have accepted it. She has been doing the same, I guess. We both understand we have commitments, besides we don't want to loose each other's friendship. So we decided to stop it, but last week we had to go on a business trip together and..well, you can all guess what happenned. But the real problem isn't the fact it happened, but how it happened. We just couldn't stop, it was so intense and felt so right despite it is obviously wrong on so many levels. I think we are beginning to fall in love with each other..And that is a disaster.
    We had a long talk, lots of tears, hugs, and kisses. And decided we can't continue and need to stop. Once again..I don't know if I am able to stop at this point. I think about her all the time. Please tell me something what would put me back on track..
     
  2. YeahpIdk

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    Follow your hearts and live a life of blissful, irresistible sex.

    Sorry. I'm too jealous of this to give any helpful advice, lol. :slight_smile: Because honestly, how does one get "back on track" in this case? And frankly, who would want to?

    Not it!
     
  3. Soulstone

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    God, I know..But we are both afraid of it, she probably more than me. I know it's impossible to live a nice, traditional life after you felt something so powerful and real. She doesn't know that yet. I guess she thinks it's enough to decide something and then she will be back on track. But things don't just go away. She will think of me, and she will look at me and remember everything. And she will catch herself thinking -what if.. I've been there already. I guess the right thing to do is to give her time to realise that, to be her friend.
     
  4. Icecold3710

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    Hi. Isn't falling in love is the nicest feeling in the world? How could you be "back on track" after all those things happened.What did she say about the situation? coz if you both want to be together, then be with her and tell your family. I wouldn't mind the trouble if she is really worth it if i were you. You cannot be rational and logical when it comes to love. (*hug*)
     
  5. Soulstone

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    She thinks she can overcome it..she thinks she doesn't want a life with a woman. She wants to live traditional life with a man. She told me all that. I understand her very well, but I also know where is no way back. If she want to run and hide from it, it's her choice. But I don't think it will last, because she also told me she loved me and thinks of me every time she has sex with her man.. How can she still think she can live with him????
     
  6. Thirdtimecharm

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    I totally feel for you. I have been involved in somewhat of a similar situation except mine never turned physical (though I wished it would...) and my relationship spanned twenty years. Both of us married, kids, religion in the mix...anyway. Took me years and therapy but I finally came to term with my feelings for her and women in general. She, I believe is deeply closeted and will never accept her feelings and who she really is and what she wants in life. I tried so hard to be friends with her. That did not work and was a disaster. Things ended badly and we no longer have any friendship at all. Not only was I in love with her but she was my best friend. I finally got to the point that I accepted I can only control my behavior and am responsible for myself. You have to protect yourself and your heart. Those feelings won't go away but the intensity of them does weaken if distance is put between the two of you. I agree that you should live your life happy, in love and completely enjoying yourself...but everyone has their own timeline. Unfortunately one cannot be forced to being more open or accepting. And speaking from experience waiting for someone to come to the realization and more so openly accept what they truly desire (if even to themselves) is a hurtful process. Not that they are not worth waiting for...but YOU deserve to be happy and feel loved and fulfilled. Sometimes we have to move forward without someone to protect our own heart. Sending you hugs. Wishing you happiness in whatever path you chose. Just protect that precious heart of yours.
     
  7. Orchidea123

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    I truly feel for you - hang in there. You can only take care of yourself and time will tell. Your story brings tears to my eyes. Love is love - sometimes we don't know why or where it will take us. If she is thinking of you in her private moments, not sure how long she can stay with her situation and do nothing. But she has to choose on her own, then it's a true untainted decision.
    What you can do for yourself is step back for a while. Time and distance may weaken these feelings and make you happy with whatever life brings for you.
    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  8. Soulstone

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    Thank you, guys..It means a lot to me. I agree that everyone has it's own path and if she chooses to forget about it all and stay where she is, there is nothing I can do. Maybe it's for the best.
    I met her today.. I could see in her eyes she still wants me. Now I am afraid she will be unhappy in her relationships because of me. It's all so sad.
     
    #8 Soulstone, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
  9. Shadowsylke

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    She may think that now, but that can change. It may be that she is just not as far along on the self-realization and acceptance journey as you are. It sounds to me like she will eventually come to the same realization that you have. It's kind of inevitable...you can only suppress yourself and live a lie for so long. But how long it will take her is hard to say. Some people are VERY good at sticking their heads in the sand and ignoring truths.

    I predict that she won't be able to just stuff it all away and go back to a "normal" life (whatever that means). This will come back to bite her, for want of a better phrase. But how long you want to wait around for that is up to you. You can't make her choices for her. You can only do you.

    And one more thing: if she ends up being unhappy in her relationships, it won't be because of you. It will be because of her and what she is denying about herself. Don't take that on yourself. You have enough on your plate with your own life, you know?

    Hang in there!
     
  10. Soulstone

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    She is one of those people unfortunately. I've seen it before regarding other problems in her life. I understand there is nothing I can do to change that, but it makes me so sad..mainly because I know how good we could be. But now I am just another problem in her life. Nice.
     
  11. Icecold3710

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    Aww come here (*hug*) I am so sorry to hear that. You shouldn't blame yourself about it. We are responsible of our own happiness.Maybe it was difficult for her to accept any changes when it comes to her kids.How old are the kids?

    This is heartbreaking and i feel sorry for both of you.
     
  12. Soulstone

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    Thank you for your support..Her kids are actually older than mine, both teenagers. I am not saying it's easier for me and I am not ready to leave my marriage right now, but I am to explore and see, what could happen with us. I am open to the possibility to live my life with a woman. I am against cheating, but realise that you can't make decision like this in one day. She on the other hand wants to ignore the situation and that's the difference between us. We decided that last weekend was the last time we were together, from now on strictly friends. But I know she will probably change her mind after a few drinks and I will not be able to say no. And after she will ignore it again and I will feel stupid and used..
     
  13. Icecold3710

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    #13 Icecold3710, Feb 25, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
  14. Soulstone

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    I am not sure that would be the right thing to do..She is my friend after all. I just need to be careful and avoid potentially dangerous situations with her, at least for a while. It's going to be fine, I am sure!
     
  15. Orchidea123

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    Give her and yourself space and time. Hugs(*hug*)