Hi all, I am new to EC and am really thankful for all the open and honest dialogue on the EC forums. Thank you for being so willing to share your experiences and to guide others into becoming their true authentic selves (see....I'm learning!). I am going to dive into the deep end and ask a question about how best to deal with homophobic relatives. A brief background is that I have a 16 year old son who is out to his friends but not anyone else - including me - yet. It has been a rough year trying to figure everything out but he and I are in a good place now in that I think he is pretty sure I know and I have given him lots of hints that I support him and love him and will always be there for him. BUT, his extended family on his father's side are very open about their dislike for "those people". They have said some pretty hateful things in the past which I have not really countered b/c it would start a huge fight and at the time I was still uncertain about my son's sexuality so I took the easy road and was silent. To me, silence seemed the wisest choice at times since that meant the conversation would turn instead of it becoming an opportunity to verbally gay-bash within ear shot of my son. I have said that I completely disagree with conversion therapy and think it is horrific when that was brought up and that there were worse things than our son being gay when one of his aunts expressed her deep displeasure and shock at a picture of his on Facebook. Anyway, we don't see them often but we are planning a 2 week vacation to visit them this summer since his grandmother is turning 75. I am worried about how to handle anti-gay comments when they come up since "officially" my son is still hetero to most of the world and he has not formally confided in me. In the big picture, I know that everything will be ok since they love him deeply and as a consequence they will have to grow as people (yea!) if they want to continue to be in his life -- especially since he will NOT be closeted since he is a strong, confident, eloquent young man who happens to be gay and has already started on the path of accepting himself as worthy, lovable and fierce. What I am looking for is help with some phrases or statements I can use to either start priming his family for accepting my son as a gay man and/or phrases I can use to deflect the inquiries about girlfriends and his sexuality from those family members I don't have as strong a relationship with or are just too volatile. I would hate for this trip to possibly cause my son hurtful emotional wounds that might be avoided with some advise from you.
Hey - good on you. I wish I had the words to tell you what to say, but I can't handle my own very homophobic mother. And I have no hope for her growing as a person; if you have that hope, fantastic!! Keep up the conversations, maybe start some conversations ahead of time. As far as the girlfriend question, it's quite simple to say - I'm not interested in any girls. If he's more comfortable, maybe - I'm not currently interested in any girls. And really, 16-year-olds don't have to be dating or interested in dating. I have a 16-year-old who is straight and not dating. If it's true, he could say he's not interested in dating at this time or he's concentrating on school, or something like that. Regarding homophobic comments in general, I might suggest saying that you do not believe the same way. When I came out to my mom and she was - pretty raging, seriously - I told her that she didn't know who she was really hurting. Turns out, she actually did (one of my kids, and one of my nieces), but that's why I have no hope for growth from her. I do hope, though, that your family is not the same - that they may consider they are hurting someone dear to them. Keep being an awesome mom. That's what the kids need most. Best wishes.
IslandMom: I'm glad my parents are open-minded. My dad lost a cousin because his (dad's uncle and aunt) was against those people. That was in the 1990s when my dad came upon him..hanging...(he just gave up). Dad said that his parents and him had an arguement and he ran out of the house. Dad said that you have to be happy, and that is what mom and dad are doing with us - is dressing as a girl wrong? Mabe to BIGOTS, but most of my family it is okay. I do have an aunt with a BIGOT for a husband, but we don't talk to him...my aunt seperated from him and she know she has a gay child. Would you rather have a dead closeted child or a child who is alive and gay...?
You being so supportive is already a giant help for your son. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to tell you about getting his relatives to stop being as homophobic as that's pretty much the same situation I'm in when it comes to relatives from my father's side. Personally, I'll just let them figure it out on their own time and then keep my distances for a bit whenever they do find out, but that's not really the best solution for everyone, just personally the best of my options. When it comes to deflecting those comments, perhaps you could say that your son is too busy with schoolwork and other extracurricular activities (if he does have any). I do want to wish you good luck and hopefully the trip will be fairly smooth. Just remember that you're doing one of the best things a parent could do in this situation and I'm sure everybody on here would agree.
What is the cultural background (ethnicity/religion/location) of your husband's family? Why are they very homophobic? Homophobia is ultimately a product of ignorance and hearsay. Somethings you can do are being more vocal in supporting gay rights, which can be as simple as mentioning current events. I remember one of my high school friends who became Catholic after her marriage shared a very thoughtful article about how Christians should not conflate civil marriage with religious marriage. You could also use gender neutral terms when a relative describes "girlfriends", or you could be more explicit and say you wouldn't care who he dated girls or boys as long as they were [list of positive attributes]. Also, you might try to work on just supporting your son and maybe seeing if he will come out so you can be even more direct. ---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2016 at 10:16 PM ---------- Finally, please look into local groups that have meetings, especially PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), because they will give invaluable support and experiences.
What I find the best thing to do is turn it on its head. "Why do people choose to be gay?" A good response would be "When did you choose to be straight, do you think it's a choice to be straight?" Now, reasonable people would think about that and perhaps they might be a little more enlightened. If they're religiously motivated in their homophobia, be prepared for "God made everyone straight, they just chose to sin". If your son in particular comes up, and it's getting particularly heated, you can always shut the conversation down with something like "He's my son, I'll raise him how I see fit, as you did/do your children." Also, don't expect your son to say anything if it comes up, unless he's directly asked a question. In those situations, I know I don't want to say anything and I just want to run and hide in my bedroom, so you might be the lone rainbow warrior. Anyway, hope that helped a bit, good luck, and thanks for being such a great mum!
Thank you to those who have offered advise so far. I really appreciate it. You made me smile MaximusMike b/c if I was able to ask my son for his advise I think it would be very similar to yours. resu: My husband's family is Hispanic and live outside the US. I did look up our local PFLAG support group and they meet once a month. I am hoping to go soon. Their literature on their website has been very insightful.
Something I tend to say with relatives who don't know I'm gay when they ask me why I don't have a girlfriend is "why the big rush?" Instead of skating around his sexuality, why not ask him why they're in such a rush for him to settle down? He's only 16, and high school relationships rarely work out. With an aunt or something (if these are applicable of course) you could make a joke like "you sound like mom, always asking when we were going to settle down and have kids!", or alternatively, "imagine if we'd ended up with the guys we dated in high school? Thank god we grew up before we settled down". If you focus on their questions being ridiculous because of his age rather than his sexuality you can hopefully discourage them from constantly asking. Alternatively, he may just have to get used to extended family asking him. I still get it now and you'd think after years of saying "I'm focusing on my studies right now" they'd have worked it out. As for them being homophobic, wait until he tells them. Then they can deal with staying in his life or being cut out. It might be a good suggestion to avoid confronting them in person in case it escalates, but waiting until the drive home and bringing it up casually, and talking about how crazy it is that people still think like that in 2016. It's a good way of letting him know you don't agree with them while also reinforcing that you'll be accepting when he does eventually come out, plus you can always pass it off as just thinking their opinions are ridiculous rather than sticking up for him because you know he's gay. Hope that helps!
