Suppressed what husband said till now..

I know you love him, but ask yourself 'if he really loved you would he have done that?'
I would suggest you talk to other women that have /had manipulative partners.

Look after yourself.

 

You sound like you are paralyzed by FEAR! You fear him and his reaction if you confront him and stand up for your feelings. Thats why you are rationalizing/ relativizing the situation as 'maybe its not so bad'. In fact, he controls you and you know it. Imagine what he would be capable of if this would end up in court, in a child custody dispute, for example? Better keep pretending things are normal... You are stuck in a cage at the moment and will not be able to get out on your own. Seek help! Talk to people you can trust.

 

I totally agree with all of this. If you want to divorce him, and it's totally up to you obviously, you need to come up with a plan of action because he has a power that you surrender to.

I would contact a lawyer, even if you don't plan to pursue anything at this moment. Lawyers will give advice for free if you call and just ask a few questions.

Let people you trust know what is going on. If you remain quiet, no one will know what your story is/what he's doing, and won't be able to fully have your back if, for lack of better wording, sh*t goes down. Being quiet in a situation like this, where a spouse is behaving in an emotionally and physically abusive manner, is the absolute WORST thing to do.

Ask one of the advisors on here if they can point you in the direction of something helpful in this situation -- I feel like they probably have experience with it, and you can now speak to them directly on here.

Write down everything that is going on. Every time he put his hands on you. Every word he said that was hurtful/horrible. And write the dates to your best recollection. Email them to someone you trust. Email them to an advisor here. Email them to yourself, and then save/print them.

If he continues to get physical, call the police. This is where I would consult a lawyer. If it's not something that makes you want to get him arrested (though he should be punished for putting his hands on you in anger -- it's not normal, okay, or acceptable), but it should be documented so that if you do go to court and he tries to lie about things you've done, you have evidence backing up your own claims -- see if there's a way to report him without extreme consequence, unless it's needed.

Save a lot of money for yourself. Open a new bank account - don't tell him, and start wracking up the money. You might need it for:

a.) supporting yourself and your children

b.) paying for a lawyer that's good enough to
- get you everything you need monetarily
- allow you to split assets fairly
- not have an issue with the custody of your children
- make him pay for all of your legal fees since he's creating an intolerable environment, thus creating the need for a divorce, which is only the truth.

Please keep in mind, incase you're worried about it, that your husband cannot take custody of your children because you're questioning your sexuality. I see that you live in Australia, and I know your laws are pretty backwards regarding LGBT issues. Because of this, I would look to seek out lawyers/groups who are accepting to the LGBT community.

Ugh... men like your husband are so lucky they don't perforate my barrier. I eat people like that as a 100 calorie snack: too fast and usually just for fun.

Be safe. Good luck. Good vibes. (*hug*)

 

Hugs. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to be confused and feel obligated and still love your husband. I think we tend to romanticize things to punish ourselves for some reason. People change, and you are not a bad person for anything you are feeling. My husband is a good man in that he has never cheated, never raised a hand to me, was involved with our kids, and loved me very much. However there were times he called me names, put my feelings aside, made fun of me in public, and other "little things." I found a journal entry from 8 years ago where I wondered why I stayed, that I was tired of walking on eggshells. That's emotional abuse though neither of us wanted to admit it and he still doesn't. However I was happy enough and could have had much worse. (His words)

Pretend I didn't meet my woman. I would have thought that the way things were with us were just how long term marriages got...that people just became too busy with life to be affectionate or make love more than once every several months or go on dates. I would have thought well this is how he is, I am just too needy and unconsciously just resigned myself to being just happy enough.

But I did meet my woman and she completely turned my world inside out and sideways and made me think and feel things in such intensity I have never felt it before. In the short time I have known her she has shown me more passion and kindness through mostly emails than he has in 19 years in physical life. And it is not just her telling me what I need to hear. He can never give me that, and that doesn't make him a bad person, though he makes me feel bad for needing it. But I have decided that I am tired of being "happy enough I guess" and I want to be "holy f*** I didn't know life could be this amazing" kind of happy.

Mellie (hope she's doing ok!) posted an awesome essay a while ago by Cheryl Strayed. The essay is called The Truth that Lives There. Google it. Basically she says all the reasons why we can go, but ultimately it's enough to want to leave. That is very powerful and helpful to me and maybe it will help you.

Just be and breathe right now. One day your heart will tell you what it wants to do. One day you will find strength to decide and be ok with your answer whatever it is. Don't resent your friend, maybe she was trying to pretend it didn't happen to not embarrass you further. At least talk to het before you get angry about it.

Hang in there. You can't get to the end of it until you go through it.

 

Google switchboard. It's an Aussie telephone counselling service. Very very good. I've used them myself. They can give you someone to talk to, but also give you tangible assistance in contacting people you need to help you in your situation. It's a really good, free, service.

 

It's ok to love him. People who abuse often do love the people they are hurting, this is the hardest part for people who have not been abused to understand. That said its a twisted and controlling love. You probably feel that you deserve this for a reason, ex: if only I hadn't hurt him he wouldn't have done this. It's a very murky logical path. I really recommend you join a support group or some sort of therapy. It's very hard to see abuse without an outside perspective, because it feels so much like you deserve what's happening to you.

 

Yes, all of this. Do not keep this to yourself. Document it all and TELL people. Be your own advocate, and build a support network around yourself. Men get away with this behavior because they count on their wives just meekly taking it and not doing anything to help themselves or hold the abusive husband accountable. If you want this behavior to stop, you are going to have to stop it. He won't.

And you can do it. That's the secret they never want you to know...the power actually lies with you. You have the keys to the cage. He can't dominate you if you don't let him.

But, as in all things, please be safe. If he ever becomes physically violent with you again, leave the situation immediately. Get yourself and your children out of the environment and to a safe place. Find a counselor, get some support and advice, and formulate an escape plan. Even if you don't want to use it at this moment, have one mapped out and ready to execute if something goes down...because when it does, you won't have time to think about what to do; you are going to need to act quickly, so you will want to have a plan in place.

As Bunny45 says, it is very hard to see the abuse when you are in it, because you don't know any other way. That is very common. Victims of domestic abuse are often shocked when they are realize that they are victims. They are always the last to know. And they are surprised to learn that relationships can (and should) be very different than what they've experienced. It was the same with me. But knowledge is power, and once you know the truth, you can take action.

Sending you hugs. Stay safe! (*hug*)

 

I was in a sorta similar situation with my ex. I couldn't figure out how to leave him as I was vaguely dissatisfied...but I also thought that he was the best I'd ever have (I had an abusive childhood, that's why I thought nobody could ever love me). I also have kids. I was lucky, he initiated the divorce and I jumped for joy My kids survived it ok.

Your situation sounds scary and I think I understand why it's difficult to make a decision. New stuff is always difficult.

As for the repression...well...I only realized I liked women about two years ago. I was so deep in the closet that I lived in Narnia. But, now I can at least tell myself that I prefer women, even if I've never acted on it, and am currently struggling to figure out exactly what I want to do about that. I'm in a long term relationship with a man, so that muddies things a bit for me.

New stuff is hard. Whatever decision you make, it will be ok. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go ahead and take my own advice and fix my own world - lol.

 

Another great book is this: Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

Reading that book was kind of earth shattering for me. I could see my husband and I in it so clearly. While I was reading it, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years. I also felt a lot less crazy and confused. And actually to this day, I don't think "angry and controlling" is the most accurate overall descriptor of my ex (i read the book because someone I trust said READ THIS), but I totally identified with the contents anyway.

 

I second yeehaw's suggestion. That is a great book.